Silence as an enterprise

One of the things that baffle me in a man-woman relationship is the whole silent treatment phenomenon. Everyone who has been in a relationship is all too familiar with this typical scene:

Something bothers girl. Guy comes in the scene, totally unaware of girl’s angst. Guy notices girl is not minding him and asks, "What’s wrong?" Girl answers, "Nothing," and then stares in another direction, remaining silent. Guy then goes about his business. Girl goes "Hmmph" or sighs. Guy turns around and asks, "Anything wrong?" Girl says "Nothing" once again. Then silence. Girl mumbles something. Guy asks once more, "Are you sure there’s nothing wrong? Tell me." Girl screams, "I said NOTHING! Kulit mo ha," and looks away. Another 10 minutes of silence. Guy goes about doing his business again. Girl suddenly cries and says, "You don’t care." Guy goes, "Wha…?"

Yup, the dreaded S.T. (silent treatment) could be quite a drag, huh? Especially for us guys who always end up struggling and wondering what the heck is going on. It’s quite an ordeal for girls too, I would imagine. In their minds, they’re going, "Can’t this bozo get it? Doesn’t he know all I want is some TLC?" The one thing that baffles me about this whole syndrome is this: We all know the script, we all know the plot, we all know the storyline, we all know we don’t like it – and yet, we do it all the time.

I really don’t have the answer to this unexplained mystery. But what I do know is that this phenomenon speaks volumes about that inexplicably potent force in the world called silence.

The Power Of Silence

Silence is such an intriguing thing. At first, it seems to be nothing, but yet it’s something. Our first impression of silence is simply the lack of sound. But silence goes way beyond that. It can be an amazingly powerful thing. I should know, because when my wife goes silent on me, it’s a sign that something major is troubling her. And her silence drives me up the wall. Let’s face it. Whenever someone gives us the silent treatment, we all tend to go ballistic, even if the other person is not doing anything violent or aggressive. She’s just sitting there.

One of the other reasons why I am so intrigued with silence is because it’s very difficult to categorize it. It could be a good thing and it can be a bad thing. In corporate meetings, when someone in the group is too quiet, some people have a tendency to say, "Wala namang kino-contribute ‘yang si Rudy sa discussion – nakatunganga lang, walang imik." But when there’s an opinionated motor-mouth in the group, people have a tendency to say, "Tignan mo ‘yang si Juan, dakdak ng dakdak. Buti pa si Benny, tahimik lang." When you’re quiet, some people might conclude that you’ve got nothing in your head since you’ve got nothing to say. On the other hand, other people might say, "Silent water runs deep – ganun lang ‘yan, tahimik lang ‘yan, pero malalim mag-isip."

When you’re accused of doing something wrong, silence could be a good thing and a bad thing at the same. For instance, your constitutional right to remain silent is the very first thing that you are reminded about the moment you get arrested. On one hand, that’s a great thing – i.e., you are not compelled to say anything to anyone, lest your statement be taken against you in court. So under our system, you could shut your mouth from the time of apprehension until the end of trial and not have to admit to anything you are accused of. The system has given that right to all of us.

On the other hand, society always seems inclined to conclude that silence is proof of guilt. That’s why, even if we have all been given the right to remain silent, people who get arrested or who are accused of something always end up talking. These days, you can’t keep quiet when a question is thrown at you and expect people to believe that you don’t know a thing. Even when you say, "No comment," people will still press for an answer. If you really think about it, "No comment" is actually a comment in itself insofar as listeners are concerned.

When a showbiz girl is asked about her relationship with a guy, and she just keeps quiet or answers, "No comment," most people take that as an affirmative answer. In the movies, whenever there is a murder or crime, it’s the silent types – the Boo Radley characters – or the quiet ones who normally get suspected of committing the crime. So, whoever thinks silence is merely the lack of sound doesn’t know what he’s talking about.

Personally, I get impressed with silent people – especially those I deal with in the corporate world. In this day and age, it takes a lot of discipline to remain quiet. Because it’s so competitive, people often find it necessary to broadcast their accomplishments and make sure people know that they are working hard. But in my experience, I have observed that it’s the quiet ones who seem to go up much faster the corporate ladder than the noisy ones. Sure, there’s a saying that goes, "It’s the squeaky wheel that gets the oil." But the corollary to that is, "The squeaky wheel is the one that gets replaced."

From what I have observed, the quiet ones are usually the hardworking ones who quietly do their jobs while the noisy ones are blabbing away. Of course, that’s not always the case and there are instances when the noisy ones do have substance as well. But more often than not, it’s the quiet ones that get the job done and it’s the noisy ones that end up with a huge pile on their desk. The quiet ones are like sponges: They absorb everything they can and just apply everything they take in on their work. And sponges retain what they have absorbed for a long, long time. The noisy ones, on the other hand, are like leaking pipes. They drip, drip and drip until they run dry and they have nothing left. In the end, they have nothing to show.

Silent Treasure

In a recent interview, my boss Jack Madrid, who recently took over the reins of MTV Philippines, was asked what he really enjoyed the most. I was taken aback by his answer. He said, "You know, this may come as a surprise – but I really like being alone and just having a quiet moment." For someone who is always around people – and for someone who is a self-confessed Bruce Spingsteen fan —- I imagined Jack’s answer to be something like, "I enjoy parties and a lot of good music…" or "A good rock n’ roll concert…" or "Traveling…" No. The first thing that came to his mind was silence. And we may not really realize it – but that’s true for most of us as well. We just haven’t realized it.

In this day and age of endless ring tones, non-stop text beeps and relentless car horns, as well as constant yelling and screaming, silence is a treasure. Personally, silence is my biggest ally in this rough and crazy corporate jungle – and my biggest source of strength. Silence is my escape. And silence is my dial tone to God. At one point in any given day, I will see to it that I will have my five to 10 minutes of silence. And believe me, it’s tough. Every day, there are so many things that are going on – all at the same time. But to keep my sanity, I make the effort of getting that brief silent treasure. What I do sometimes is I just go out of the office, put my cell on silent mode, have lunch alone, and observe people. It’s very therapeutic for me. Or sometimes, I just take a walk outside the office, or go to a nearby chapel and just sit quietly. It’s my way of letting out all the burden and load that’s building up in me. Just as a dam fills with water and could very well overflow if you don’t allow some water to seep out, 10 minutes of silence could very well be the one thing that could spell the difference between you having a dreadful day and you having a fairly decent day. And you must agree – that’s a huge difference.

So guys, the next time your girlfriend, your wife or even your colleague gives you that dreaded silent treatment – just smile and enjoy the moment. Don’t get so uptight and nag her why she’s so quiet. It’s a rare moment of silence – cherish it and enjoy it. Because sooner or later, she’s going to open up anyway and she’ll tell you what an uncaring stiff (or a useless deadwood) you are. But by the time she does go ballistic, you would have already enjoyed that one brief and rare moment of peace and quiet.

And believe me, if you immerse yourself in that special moment, you’ll be able to handle the explosion a lot easier.

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Thanks for your letters, folks! You may e-mail me at rodnepo@yahoo.com.