In more than 25 years of flying, I’ve never actually ordered and paid for anything on board beyond a snack sandwich and a bag of mixed nuts (alas, there’s no such thing as a free lunch on some airlines, not anymore). Let’s just say that while I think nothing of clicking a desktop mouse on an impulse, committing myself to the purchase of a $1,000 computer online (and saving the guilt for later, as the bills come through the decidedly non-digital door), I can be very discerning in the air, taking my sweet time to pull the plastic from my wallet – maybe because, like most guys, I hate toting bags on the one hand, and can’t wait for four to six weeks’ delivery, on the other.
But that takes nothing away from the fun of window-shopping on the printed page – again, a safer venture than doing the same thing on the clickable screen. A catalog brings a veritable market, a cornucopia of exotic goods, to your fingertips – and not just goods you can find in the department store, but very often gadgets you’d been wishing someone made but thought no one did. That’s the special appeal of a catalog like the SkyMall one I got on Northwest – a compendium you could cruise through of other mini-catalogs from such gadget havens and purveyors of pleasure as The Sharper Image, Hammacher Schlemmer, Diversions, Gadget Universe, TigerDirect – you get the idea.
It must be the Dick Tracy boy in me – I was, indeed, a card-carrying member of the Dick Tracy Club (make that the Boni Ave., Mandaluyong chapter) more than 40 years ago, ecstatic to receive my ID card and a pair of plastic handcuffs in the mail but even more enthralled by the prospects of a radio-telephone you could wear on your wrist, with a live camera image to boot. They don’t have it in SkyMall, but there are a hundred other distractions to make you go "Ooooh" and "Dang, how’d they do that?"
Take, for example, Item No. #12271G, the Emergency TV and Weather Radio with Hand-Crank Power, a device designed to ensure that you can watch American Idol, Pinoy Big Brother, or Unang Hirit through a week-long brownout in a Signal No. 3 typhoon – for as long as you (or, more likely, your hapless maid) can crank up the juice. It can even "recharge your cell phone with the included universal adapter set," making me wonder if the hand-crank-powered cell phone itself – a sleek, subtle, silver-gray gizmo tethered to a bicycle wheel or a water pump – can be too far off.
Few things appeal more to guys than formidable figures – I mean, numbers – and #75296G, the World’s Brightest Flashlight, promises to be an irresistible conversation piece, what with 15,000,000 candlepower (yup, that’s 15 million) available to you at the flick of a switch. Imagine swaggering into your next party, casually toting a vodka tonic in one hand and the World’s Brightest Flashlight in the other. It doesn’t take two minutes before someone – hopefully that doe-eyed beauty you’ve sidled up to – can’t help asking, "What’s that you got?" Coolly, you take a sip of your drink before swinging it up to her eyes and saying (memorize this first from the accompanying brochure): "Babe, there’s no earthly darkness this H4 quartz halogen bulb cannot penetrate." Linger on the last word and smooth out your hair before adding, in a gravelly whisper, "The hardened glass chimney adds strength along the length of the bulb for extra shatter-resistance. An adjustable stand allows you to position the spotlight for hands-free use, and it has a sturdy carry handle." If she hasn’t dumped her wine on you yet and looks eager or confounded enough to welcome a demonstration, resist the urge to flick the switch and show your lady-love what 15 million candlepower looks like. Save her retinas for your next date.
And what can I say about #72763G, the Precise Portion Pet Feeder, which promises to "dispense precise pet food portions so that your pets follow their recommended diet, even if you are not home during feeding time." I don’t think my marmalade tomcat Chippy will take to it too kindly, having been used to Friskies on demand, 24/7, in unlimited doses. I wonder, though, if the same dispenser will do wonders for me, as far as rations of rice and ramen are concerned.
For the financially precocious, there’s #71365G, the Children’s ATM Bank – an exact replica of an ATM, which "helps children learn money management as they maintain a savings account up to $999.99. The machine accepts real coin-and currency-deposits and gives up-to-date account information on its screen. Young depositors have their own ATM card and PIN for checking account balance." Goodness, how times indeed have changed. When we were kids, "money management" meant asking for a peso and getting ten centavos, along with a five-minute lecture on frugality. This kiddie ATM’s a neat idea – I just hope it comes with a stack of play money – but for that truly authentic ATM experience, and for the lofty purpose of character development, it should require kids to line up 20 at a time, each one waiting for his or her turn; and then, when the 18th or 19th kid finally comes to the machine, nearly apoplectic with impatience, the ATM eats up his card, and flashes him a phone number to call. If the kid’s smart, he’ll give the mini-bank a good kick.
Now here’s a great idea for flood-prone Camanavans (that’s people of Caloocan, Malabon, Navotas, and Valenzuela to the acronymically challenged): Item #ECA126G, the Motorized Snack Float. "No need to paddle around or get out of the water for a cold drink or snack," claims the catalog, "make ‘em come to you! Motorized tip-proof float operates by remote control – just press a button and it zips right to you." It’d be perfect if it worked with small kids, cats, and other strays.
For sheer nerve, it’s hard to beat #TK231NG, the Cyclone WashMate II, "the most compact washing machine in the world, no bigger than an oversized water bucket!" No need to squint and look again, because – yegads, it is an oversized water bucket (balde, to you and me), but a motorized one, with a base that electronically twists this way and that. "Four liters of water and 15 minutes is all it takes to wash a load!" And, let’s not forget, $79.95 plus shipping.
Back to Dick Tracy. I have secret stalker tendencies, and there’s been many a time when I would’ve appreciated having #TS242G, the Secret Agent Spy Ear, which allows you to "secretly hear a whisper from across the room without anyone knowing you’re even listening." Its possibilities boggle the mind. Imagine eavesdropping on titillating conversations like "O, ano’ng ulam niyo mamaya?" "Sarciadong dalagang bukid, kayo?" "E sinigang sa bayabas sana pero panay bubot pa ’yung bayabas sa puno namin!"
Think machines control your life too much? The Sleeptracker, #19302G, will put you back in the driver’s seat. It’s an alarm wristwatch that does something no other alarms have even imagined doing – wake you up not when you should, but when, well, when you usually wake up. The Sleeptracker "tracks your sleep patterns to awaken you at your optimal time," says the catalog. This means it’ll keep a record of when you usually wake up – and then wake you up at that time. Neat, huh? Huh?
Tired of sticking mice onto flypaper, or watching them writhe in the throes of rat poisoning? Then do the humane and 21st century thing, and electrocute them out of sight with #AGI101G, the Rat Zapper, a high-tech shoebox open at one end, with bait and certain extermination on the other. "Never touch a dead rodent again! A flashing light will tell you when it’s time to empty the unit and replace the bait." If you’re not too fond of cleaning your kitchen and have rats for company like some people have grandchildren over on a Sunday, you’ll need #AGI102G, the Rat Zapper Ultra, which can send 30 rodents to the Great Perya in the Sky in one sitting. Interestingly enough, the ad right beside it shows another blue box – Item #WGN106G, the 6.0 Liter Fridge/Warmer, great for cooling or warming food on the road. Uhm, enjoy your picnic, but just make sure you don’t get it mixed up with the Rat Zapper Ultra, okay?
I’ll give the Cleverness Award, however, to #50488G, the Extra Large Realistic Boulder – a hollow plastic-composite rock you can use to cover unsightly yard problems like pipes and well covers. But then we Pinoys don’t have unsightly yard problems, just unsightly yards – heck, we don’t even have yards, just unsightly problems. I wish they made supersized versions of these camouflage covers – so we could drag them, bayanihan-style, to the Batasan and similar eyesores.
Ah, catalogs. Show me a gadget that’ll exterminate the rats in our political system – never mind being humane – and I’ll whip out that credit card faster than you can say "Charter change!"