‘Diego’ Donuts & my mother’s other antics

We awoke to a brand-new day at our beautiful suite in Raffles hotel in Makati one late morning. My mother hurried up her six young grandchildren to fix themselves and get ready for breakfast. Instead, she spotted them having a picnic at a corner table.

“Diyos ko, Diego na naman? Hindi na ba kayo nagsawa sa Diego Donuts?” she told them.

The kids laughed. I was puzzled. It was then that I found out they were having J.Co Donuts for breakfast.

“J.Co, Diego, iisa yun,” she said, while laughing at herself, too.

You see, I have a funny mother. But she does not know she is funny especially when she says Eleven-7 instead of 7-Eleven. And with glee and excitement she will say, “O, maagang matulog at bukas magsha-shopping tayo sa Small of Asia.” 

She does not hide her follies to anyone — not even to the richest men on earth.

Once, my generous editor Joanne gave us front-row-seat tickets to the concert of Julio Iglesias. She had so much fun, considering it was the first concert of an international artist she saw. It became double fun because “Saron Cuneta,” take note, not Sharon in the language of my mother, had a duet with Julio Iglesias. But that’s not the end of the story. On our way out of the Araneta Coliseum after the concert, she accidentally stepped on the shoe of a tall, mestizo man. She looked up and flashed him a smile saying, “I’m sorry, sinta. I’m sorry talaga.” The man said with a smile, “No problem.”

I told her she just stepped on the foot of Don Jaime Zobel de Ayala. “Sino s’ya?” she asked me innocently. I explained that he is one of the richest men in the Philippines. She quickly quipped: “Eh ano naman ngayon. Ang amoy ba ng u*** naming dalawa ay mag-kaiba?”

I laughed so loud because I did not expect that humor and logic from my mother.

When I got an award from the CMMA in 2007, my mother went up with me to the stage to get my trophy. Then, picture taking. She proudly posed like she was the one who won. She got blinded by the flashbulbs. “Ay, p@&e!” she exclaimed when suddenly she dropped her perfumed sandalwood fan.

The cardinal beside us heard her loud and clear, perhaps even Inquirer publisher Marixi Prieto who received the award for my co-winner Michael Tan. I picked up her fan and she continued to cool herself on stage. And for the rest of the people on stage, she gave them her sweetest smile.

I always love to be with my Nanay, especially in public shows, because she is a whole caboodle of entertainment herself. Imagine her standing up in the middle of the orchestra section of the Main Theater of the CCP, pleading for a Stomp performer to get off the harness. “Diyos ko, toto, mahuhulog ka!” she said, her voice registering dread and excitement. And she stood up three times.

In another occasion, I brought my mother to the circus, well, to Cirque du Soleil at the Quirino Grandstand area. She knew she was watching a circus, almost half-expecting to see lions and tigers. But she saw Varekai performers. Her heart was leaping out of her chest as performers hopped from one slender bamboo pole to another. One contortionist fell off the stage. My mother stood up, “Diyos ko nasaktan ang bata.” The men and women around us were amazed at her. She stood up still and threatened to come near the stage to make sure the kid was not hurt.

I always explain to her the protocols inside the theater. She listens. But she gets carried away. And she gets involved in the catfight scenes she sees on screen — aloud! With meaningless expletives! Oh, no!

When she rode the self-operated elevator in a hospital near our house in Cabuyao for her check up, she had the misfortune of getting stuck alone in it for almost 20 minutes. She psyched up herself not to be afraid. She banged the elevator door so someone outside could open it — to no avail. So, what did Candida do? She opened her black bag with yellow ribbons given to her by Noynoy Aquino in 2010 — don’t say anything bad about the Aquinos and my mother will mark you for life — and sat on the floor to regal herself with an instant me-time picnic. No lights, only the incandescence of her cellphone guiding her in her every bite. A diabetic who is cautious about being low batt (her term for an episode of hypoglycemia), she knows not to leave the house without a packed lunch, Skyflakes, a can of Coke, a bar of chocolate and a bottle of mineral water. After her quick snack, she even managed to retouch her lips with her ubiquitous red lipistik.

When the elevator door opened, her first words to the operator were: “Electric fan! Bigyan mo ako ng electric fan! Kung hindi, ikaw naman ang ikukulong ko sa elevator!” But she was all bark. Later, the man who opened the elevator door walked out with a bar of chocolate. 

When she wants an appliance at home turned on, she says: “Patugtugin mo nga ang electric fan/aircon.”

When she asks for Bactroban, she says “Back-to-back.” Her Betadie is for, you guessed it right, Betadine. And the people in the house are expected to understand her right away.

But always, always, she has a very sympathetic heart. She and her best friends, women who are in their ‘70s, have a penchant for attending burials. “Mas mabuti nang makipaglibing. Kesa tayo ang ilibing,” is her usual line to her friends. One time, at the cemetery, she arrived a little bit late for the burial of a long-lost friend but just in time before the casket was to be bodily carried to the gravesite. She saw children and young men and women crying and thought they were the children and grandchildren of her friend. She went near them. Cried with them. She even hugged a young lady in her attempt to console her while they both cried.

While she was crying with the crowd, a close friend from another barrio tapped her from the back. “Candida, sino yang namatay?” her friend asked.

“Si Teta, kaibigan ko.”

Her friend quickly quipped: “Candida, hindi yan si Teta. Ayan pa ang karo nya, padating na.”

My mother slowly disintegrated from the crying crowd. She wiped her tears. Then she went to a corner and laughed out loud.

(E-mail me at bumbaki@yahoo.com. I am also on Twitter @bum_tenorio and Instagram @bum_tenorio. Have a blessed Sunday!)