Hoggypotter saves the day

I live in what we fondly refer to as "The Royal Orphanage" in a home in Makati together with my foster family the Dayrits, whose beloved parents Tita Mila and Tito Ting passed away nearly 10 years ago from lung cancer. I have been adopted by this family for almost 12 years now. (By the way, my loving parents in Laguna did not really give me up for adoption as they lovingly wait for my happy return to the province every weekend.)

The Orphanage – filled with loving memories, traditions and family values that are conscientiously observed – is not only an abode of kindness and compassion but of hilarious humor as well. It really is true that laughter is the best cure and I attest that perhaps this is one dynamic trait that has helped us through life’s many trials. We believe, as the line in Disney’s cartoon Madeline, "We love our bread, we love our butter but most of all, we love each other." Friends are your family. (If you don’t have one, you could be part of ours.) And this goes for animals as well. Animals? Yes, animals!

Mark, whom we fondly call Papa Mark, the only male sibling among the four gregarious girls namely Jaqui, Michelle, Christine and Yvonne, has a penchant for taking care of pet pigs. In fact, he has always wanted to live in a farm with pigs, sheep, deer, dogs, goats, cows and chickens. But pigs remain his all time favorite thus he lovingly named his pet Hoggypotter (a.k.a. Hoggy or Hoggypot).

Imagine this: Papa Mark would walk around holding a leash with Hoggypot in tow. While other village residents walk their Great Danes, St. Bernards and Dalmatians as though strolling down the Champs Elysee in gay Paris, here comes our Papa Mark with his beloved Hoggypot sniffing the grass or rather eating the grass like a pig in search of truffles. Others find this "Que horror!" or "Que barbaridad." But not to us. (This bizarre kind of humor is also why we call ourselves the Addams Family.)

One day, my best friend Christine got a very desperate out-of-town text from Papa Mark: "Chris, please check on Hoggypot! Please! Mylene said he is sick and possibly dying." Distraught and alarmed, Christine, who was having her final golf practice with her pro Felix Fernando in Sta. Elena for the Gary Lising Tournament in two days, frantically organized a rescue operation. She rounded up her good old trusted security guard, gardener and drivers to check on Hoggy. Alas it was too late. The guard sadly phoned Christine, who was on the fairway, to say Hoggy "had been buried yesterday behind Sir Mark’s house, near the creek." Mark’s wife, Mama Mylene, tearfully claimed no one had the heart to inform Papa Mark about Hoggy’s sudden demise.

Christine, chairman of the Cinema Evaluation Board, true to form, turned the scenario into cinematic proportions. Thanks to her high tech cell phone, she simultaneously texted all the orphans and family friends about the breaking news, heartbreaking at that: "Dear orphans and friends, this is to announce the demise of Papa Mark’s beloved pet pig named Hoggypotter who succumbed to his death yesterday and was buried. The housekeeper concluded that poor Hoggy died of infection."

The response to this initial text was totally mind-boggling, downright hilarious and totally endearing. It just goes to show the solidarity and love of this family.

The first to respond was Michelle who texted: "Oh my gas! Dear Papa Mark, I’m so sorry about your pet baby boar. Please accept my condolences. Do you want me to have him preserved and stuffed up? We can keep his memory physically alive in our log cabin. May he rest in peace in Tagaytay Highlands."

Yvonne responded by texting: "This is heartbreaking. We must help find a replacement immediately."

Ate Jaqui, the eldest, texted: "Dear kapatids, I wish to call a special family council meeting to deliberate on this tragedy."

There you go, with my Dayrit family, there is a fine line between tragedy and comedy.

Then a disturbed Papa Mark sent this text and the plot thickened: "Seriously speaking, Hoggypot was fine the last two weeks. All of a sudden, nailibing kahapon? And no one at home bothered to tell me. I did notice that the household staff had been wanting to cook Hoggypot since I got him. Hhmmmm. Hoggypot was healthy and well fed with Salad Time lettuce every day. Then bigla "daw" may infection? The circumstances behind his death and burial seem sinister and mysterious to me. Come to think of it, only Butch, the katiwala, claimed he buried Hoggy and no other witnesses in sight."

Christine replied back: "I am bringing in the NBI for proper investigation. Even a pig deserves his day in court." (By this time, I was already panting, my urine sac exploding from laughing too much.)

Mike Mina, our global Pinoy friend from Brunei and the newest member of the Orphanage, said: "Baka pwede hukayin si Hoggy, timplahin ng maayos at itosta para maging (Perhaps we can exhume Hoggy. Marinate him and turn him into) crispy hoggy flakes. It will be an interesting blog entry for me!"

This received hilarious protest, particularly from me! Since I couldn’t take it any longer, I broke my silence and, in stitches, I texted everybody: "Ano kayo, mga gravediggers? Maawa kayo kay Hoggy. Karapatan nyang magkaroon ng disenteng libing. Tapos ipapahukay nyo? Pag nagmulto yan sige kayo. Hog-ghost ang kalalabasan ni Hoggy (What are you, gravediggers? Have pity on Hoggy. He has the right to a decent burial. Don’t have him exhumed or Hoggy’s ghost will haunt you)."

Jaqui was unrelenting: "That’s a good theme for our October birthday celebrants. Please seek their permission if it’s OK for them that it would be our Halloween theme.

Noah Manarang, another adopted member of the Orphanage and the family environmentalist, texted: "Let us pause for a moment of silence. You can light a candle if you wish as we, as one loving family, sing Ang Kawawang Baboy to the tune of Rhinestone Cowboy."

Then, finally, came acceptance from Papa Mark: "Dear family and friends, thank you for your overwhelming sympathy for the tragic death of Hoggypotter. Seriously speaking, my pet was a rare baby wild boar."

With Mark finally accepting the fate of his pet, Christine took the cue from there and immediately phoned our good friends Jake and Teena Gaw, also known as Tarzan and Jane because they are the owners of the fabulous Avilon Zoo in Montalban, Rizal. In a jiffy, everybody got this text from Christine: "We shall all spend our Sunday brunch at Avilon Zoo to choose a replacement for Hoggypot. Papa Mark will arrive in the airport at 10 a.m. and will go straight to Montalban. See you at Avilon."

All the orphans converged at the luxurious zoo and found Hoggypotter 2, a Sumatran pygmy. All is well at the Orphanage.

This is how we are at the Orphanage – we love each other so much to the point that we are so much into each other. We are so in tuned to each other that we share our sorrows and double our joys. Even the death of a pet and finding a replacement are breaking news. Imagine that. And some habits are never broken, each night, when Papa Mark comes home, he lovingly exclaims: "How’s my Hoggy?"

As the orphans continue to share the highs and lows of each other’s life, the saga of Hoggypotter continues...

(For your new beginnings, please e-mail me at bumbaki@yahoo.com or my.new.beginnings@gmail.com. You may also snail mail me at The Philippine STAR c/o Allure Section, R. Oca corner Railroad Streets, Port Area, Manila. Have a blessed Sunday.)