What husbands want their wives to know (if they’re listening)

Men and women are completely different creatures who have wildly different sets of values and responses to situations. Recently, I was with a group of men who I encouraged to air their sentiments so I could transmit them to the women who oftentimes can be clueless why men act the way they do. Many wives label the men as insensitive, unfeeling, inconsiderate, egoistic, useless, corny, to name a few.

Here’s a list of what some husbands want their wives to know about them. This is certainly not universal for all men nor for all women but some of you can relate to many of the truths expressed in the next few paragraphs.

1. Men don’t enjoy shopping the way you do so don’t bring them shopping with you unless they genuinely enjoy it. Men shop differently from women. Men shop for a need while women just need to shop (for many women, it’s therapeutic, a stress buster that elevates their mood or a way to displace negative emotions). When men shop, they know where to get it, and when they’re done, they leave. Women have a general idea of what they need (most of the time, they don’t). They derive pleasure going from store to store and buy what they find along the way, even if they don’t need it (they always think they will one day). The poor husband is bored to death wishing he was watching a sports channel in the comfort of his Lazy Boy rather than tailing his wife who tries on five pairs of shoes and then ends up buying none of the above because she needs to see what other styles they have in the other stores. A middle ground would be to do only directed, as-needed shopping when you are with your spouse. Any leisure shopping is better done alone, with your girlfriends or your daughter. Or, you can agree for him to pick you up after a prescribed number of hours in the mall but allow him to do an activity of his choice (like go to a car shop, stay in the bar for a drink, watch TV or even a movie).

2. Most men want you to know it doesn’t matter to them what you choose to wear so can you please spare them the agony of being asked? Women love to ask for their husband’s opinion e.g., which dress looks better on them, the blue one or the red one? The worse part is when he answers "the red one" and you turn around and choose the blue one! Actually, the men who feel upset about being asked are those who have experienced their opinions being rejected. Women need to know that if they ask for their husband’s opinion and do not respect it, it makes him feel rejected. It makes him wonder why you even bothered to ask if you were going to go ahead and select what you wanted after all. Actually, what men don’t realize is that when the woman asks for his opinion, she is actually seeking reassurance or approval. Women are wired differently from men; they need to be constantly reassured verbally and through actions that they are loved by their spouses. If every time you ask for your husband’s opinion you select his choice and reinforce to him how great his taste is, he would be more than happy to help you select anytime you ask.

A girlfriend of mine once brought her husband shopping with her to buy a dress. She made him pick out a dress for her. It wasn’t particularly her taste but she bought it anyway and when she used it in a party, she received several compliments about the dress to which she would answer within earshot of her husband, "Thank you! My husband picked it out for me!" She kept complimenting her husband about his good taste. Now, do you think every time she wants to go shopping, she has any trouble dragging her husband with her? Not at all, because he receives his psychic reward in knowing his opinions are valid and valued.

3. Husbands want to tell their wives they are not mind readers. Say what you mean and mean what you say, say the men. These are the usual verbal and thought patterns of a woman:

She says: I don’t really care... (She cares!)

She says: I’m getting fat na, noh? (Don’t ever say yes! She wants assurance that she is the sexiest woman for you!)

She says: Tell me the truth! (She means, watch out!)

She says: Oh darling, you don’t have to do that! (She means you do!)

She says: Oh dear, you don’t have to buy that for me, it’s too expensive! (It’s not. She means if you buy it for her its proof that you love her.)

A patient of mine relates that one time she had an out-of-town trip early in the morning and she told her husband he didn’t have to wake up to take her to the airport with the driver. To her extreme delight, her husband made the effort to wake up early to take her. The gesture made her feel so elated and so well-loved. I asked her if she really did not want her husband to wake up for her when she told him so and she said, "Of course I wanted him to! I was just trying him to see if he cared enough for me. I would have been depressed on my way to the airport if he did not wake up for me."

How often do women try their husbands by saying or acting the opposite way to see if their husbands will "get the hint" and respond in the manner she wants him to? Most men are not mind-readers and it confuses them to play mind games like this with them. To the men, however, I say that this is the true nature of women. Men need to build up their sensitivity in picking up these subtleties if they want peace and love on the home front. If you go one step beyond what is required of you, your woman will go two steps beyond for you. Love begets love.

4. Allow men their sanctuaries. I saw a comic strip in a magazine of a man reading a newspaper with a caption underneath, "Do we really need to save our marriage while I’m reading the newspaper?" Men need to retreat to a place or activity where they will relax and not be disturbed. For many men, it’s watching TV, for others, it’s their hobby room, for some, it’s gardening, or being in the music room listening to TV. Yet for others, it’s going to the gym or playing golf or badminton. I remember growing up seeing my Dad, who is a pilot, coming home after a long flight. The first thing he would do was to give my Mom attention and then recover from lack of sleep. Then he would retreat to his hobby of building model planes. My mother never disturbed him when he was in his sanctuary except to give him a kiss and a hug occasionally when she would pass by as he worked. If she needed to talk to my dad about any problem, she would never interrupt him while he was in his sanctuary. She would carefully select the best moment, usually within the bedroom confines (I guess after intimate moments when the man is most open emotionally and is most attuned to his spouse.)

Wife should never criticize husband for the activities he finds maximal pleasure with because life is all about a pain or pleasure principle. A man will move towards pleasure and move away from pain. If you constantly give the man pleasure through your positive words and compliments, he will want to spend more time with you. Couples should figure out how to integrate each other into each other’s activities or find a parallel activity for the wife to engage in while husband engages in his relaxation activity.

5. Don’t choreograph his moves. If you want your husband to be intimate with you, don’t tell him, "Embrace me, naman!" or "Hold my hand. You never hold my hand." Just set the mood for a romantic evening by wearing something you know will turn him on like wearing high cut shorts or a neckline that exposes your cleavage or a sexy, hot lingerie. Read a sexy magazine with him to ignite his fire or offer to massage him and let your hands wander. Vary the rooms where you make love to alter the ambience. In other words, seduce him subtly; never demand for sex. Get creative with it so sex does not become boring and predictable. He will not need to desire any other woman if you keep re-creating that woman inside of you.

Of course, the easiest thing is for couples to slip into a boring routine of mere survival because there are nuances of career, children and finances. But since you are in that relationship, you can choose to do nothing and be miserable or you can choose to be creative and happy. In a life where you have vowed to be married for better or for worse, I would choose to be married for better.