The working mom anxiety
April 18, 2004 | 12:00am
Dear Dr. Jao,
What can you say about a working mother? Will her relationship with her children and husband suffer if she works in order to help meet the needs of the family?
Maricar
With the present economic crisis, moms from the lower and middle class are forced into the working arena to help augment their husbands’ income. The working mom’s relationship with her family may be affected in terms of the length of time spent with the husband and children. However, the quality of the relationship need not suffer, especially if the husband is at work and the children are in school at almost the same time that the mom is working.
It is imperative, however, for moms with younger children to leave them in the care of nurturing and caring surrogate parents, perhaps the grandparents, aunts or yayas. This will definitely lessen the so-called working mom’s anxiety. Finding a job with flexible working hours is another way that working moms can ensure they can be with their children during the particular time that their company is most needed. Another way is good time management and organization. In the US, there are a lot of working parents with small kids and they seem to manage even without the help of their extended families who are, most of the time, also employed. Some are able to arrange that the mom is home when the father is at work and when the father gets home, that is the time that the mom leaves for her job.
Some mothers feel that they are in a way abandoning their children and that they become less "good" mothers if they get employed. The higher the mother’s educational attainment, it is said that their guilt feelings intensify because they have gained more knowledge of the ideal way of mothering through their education. They have more expectations of themselves as moms. It is expected that they keep their homes clean and tidy, that they feed nutritious meals to the family and even to their pets, to take care of running errands for the household at the same time, they have to meet a certain level of professional performance. So the more expectations they put on themselves, the working moms become more anxious and feel less adequate and more guilty.
A good way of coping with the working mom’s guilt is by changing one’s way of thinking. Don’t always think of the negative things about your mothering. Think of the positive things that you have contributed to your family as a result of your job. You don’t have to be beside your children or your husband every second. You can still be a model mom and wife even if you’re employed. You will realize that your children still will listen to what you say and they will follow what you want them to do. Even if you are at the workplace you can call at the house once in a while and even if you can’t check on them that often your kids will still know that you love them and that getting a job is one way of showing your love and care for them. By setting priorities, you can be more structured and organized and less stressed out. You don’t have to change the rules of the house if you start working. Continue with your discipline approach and you’ll see that your children will appreciate your guidance when they get older.
If you still have that working mom anxiety despite having done my previous suggestions, another way of coping is by starting a support group. Talking with other working moms and hearing about their various coping styles is beneficial. It’s time to enjoy your motherhood!
(Send your letters to The Philippine Star c/o Allure Section or send them directly to Suite 506 Medico Bldg., Lourdes St. cor. San Miguel Ave., Pasig; fax no. 631-38-77; tel. no. 633-38-93; Suite 309 Medical Arts Bldg., St. Luke’s Medical Center, E. Rodriguez Ave., Quezon City; telefax: 723-11-03; e-mail address: ninahalili_allure2001@yahoo)
What can you say about a working mother? Will her relationship with her children and husband suffer if she works in order to help meet the needs of the family?
Maricar
With the present economic crisis, moms from the lower and middle class are forced into the working arena to help augment their husbands’ income. The working mom’s relationship with her family may be affected in terms of the length of time spent with the husband and children. However, the quality of the relationship need not suffer, especially if the husband is at work and the children are in school at almost the same time that the mom is working.
It is imperative, however, for moms with younger children to leave them in the care of nurturing and caring surrogate parents, perhaps the grandparents, aunts or yayas. This will definitely lessen the so-called working mom’s anxiety. Finding a job with flexible working hours is another way that working moms can ensure they can be with their children during the particular time that their company is most needed. Another way is good time management and organization. In the US, there are a lot of working parents with small kids and they seem to manage even without the help of their extended families who are, most of the time, also employed. Some are able to arrange that the mom is home when the father is at work and when the father gets home, that is the time that the mom leaves for her job.
Some mothers feel that they are in a way abandoning their children and that they become less "good" mothers if they get employed. The higher the mother’s educational attainment, it is said that their guilt feelings intensify because they have gained more knowledge of the ideal way of mothering through their education. They have more expectations of themselves as moms. It is expected that they keep their homes clean and tidy, that they feed nutritious meals to the family and even to their pets, to take care of running errands for the household at the same time, they have to meet a certain level of professional performance. So the more expectations they put on themselves, the working moms become more anxious and feel less adequate and more guilty.
A good way of coping with the working mom’s guilt is by changing one’s way of thinking. Don’t always think of the negative things about your mothering. Think of the positive things that you have contributed to your family as a result of your job. You don’t have to be beside your children or your husband every second. You can still be a model mom and wife even if you’re employed. You will realize that your children still will listen to what you say and they will follow what you want them to do. Even if you are at the workplace you can call at the house once in a while and even if you can’t check on them that often your kids will still know that you love them and that getting a job is one way of showing your love and care for them. By setting priorities, you can be more structured and organized and less stressed out. You don’t have to change the rules of the house if you start working. Continue with your discipline approach and you’ll see that your children will appreciate your guidance when they get older.
If you still have that working mom anxiety despite having done my previous suggestions, another way of coping is by starting a support group. Talking with other working moms and hearing about their various coping styles is beneficial. It’s time to enjoy your motherhood!
(Send your letters to The Philippine Star c/o Allure Section or send them directly to Suite 506 Medico Bldg., Lourdes St. cor. San Miguel Ave., Pasig; fax no. 631-38-77; tel. no. 633-38-93; Suite 309 Medical Arts Bldg., St. Luke’s Medical Center, E. Rodriguez Ave., Quezon City; telefax: 723-11-03; e-mail address: ninahalili_allure2001@yahoo)
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