‘Can my marriage still be saved?’
February 8, 2004 | 12:00am
Dear Dr. Jao,
Good day.
I am a medical intern at present, my problem is my husband who is also a medical intern. After clerkship, my husband decided to undergo his internship in another hospital. I was left in another hospital with my two children aged eight years old and five years old. After two months of being away from each other, I noticed a big change in him. One day he talked to me and asked me not to bother him, not to text him and not to ask about his whereabouts. Then I found out that he had a medical technologist girlfriend in the same hospital where he was having his internship.
The change in him was so abrupt. He became irresponsible and cold and no longer would say, "I love you" and other caring words. He stopped sleeping beside me and started sleeping in another room. I asked him what wrong had I done towards him and his response was that he doesn’t want me to bother him anymore.
Please help me. I hope you can advise me on what to do. I just want to save my family.
Medwife95
Dear Medwife95,
I’m sorry to hear about the infidelity of your doctor spouse. I understand your desire to save your family especially with your two young children who are still in their formative years.
Don’t lose hope. The fact that he has not left your home and he has requested some emotional space is indicative that perhaps he is confused himself and that he needs time to think things out. Give him that space and time, perhaps a month or two.
Then the next step is to ask him to have a dialogue with you during which you can tell him the information that you know about his illicit affair.
Don’t be on the war path during this dialogue. Keep your cool. It is important that during this talk you relay to him that you are willing to start anew and forget the past for the sake of your children and for the sake of your love for each other.
Look for an ally, a common friend perhaps who can convince him that the marriage can still be saved. Maybe this ally can influence him that marital therapy will be beneficial at this point for both of you.
Try to look deep within yourself so that you can be more aware of your faults. mannerisms, attitudes, etc. that may have peeved your husband and in some way, led to his drifting away. Self-awareness of one’s shortcomings is the first step towards initiating some change in yourself. Getting negative feedback from your close friends about yourself is another way of finding out your faults.
Going through internship and being a parent is tough. Both of you are undergoing a lot of stress as medical trainees and this "rough sailing" is just the beginning for a career path that you both chose. Your working hours are not the normal 8-a.m. to-5-p.m. office hours. You go into 24, sometimes even 48 to 72 hours duty. This is what partners of medical practitioners should learn to understand. This is why learning to have short quality time with each other is crucial for marriages with doctors.
I hope you can get some emotional support from your family and friends during this crisis. Having your in-laws as allies might be of great help.
And of course, don’t forget yourself during this time of emotional turmoil in your married life. Fix yourself and try to look alluring.
Leave notes of endearment on his bed, on the door of his room or in the mirror in his bathroom to remind him of your loving care.
Cook his favorite viand when he’s in the house. Some men prefer their wives’ cooking. Try to anticipate his needs and prepare these things even before he asks for them. Men love pampering.
Try going out of town with your kids. Having fun as a family may just pave the way for reconciliation.
Remember that getting into heated arguments is a no-no.
If after you have followed all of my tips and you still have not bridged the widening gap between you and your husband and he ends up choosing the other woman, you should not lose face and instead pick up the shattered pieces of your self-esteem.
Yes, depression will set in for some time. But this emotional wound will heal through time with the emotional support of people who care for you. You’ve got to be strong for yourself and your two kids.
I certainly hope you succeed in your quest of saving your family. Good luck to you, Medwife95.
Last Dec. 21, 2003, my article entitled, A Tale of Hope featured the sad plight of an ex-convict, Tranquilino Tabile Jr. Luckily, this article was read by his siblings who are now looking for him and hoping for a happy reunion with him. His brother and sister sought me out the office of the Department of Psychiatry and Behavioral Medicine at the Philippine General Hospital and set a meeting with me last Friday. His sister however failed to come last Friday but she left her contact numbers. So Tranquilino Tabile Jr. here are the contact numbers where you can reach your brother and sister: Randolf Tabile, #13 Caestebanan, Banna, 2908 Ilocos Norte, mobile phone no. 0920-7898418; Ofelia Tabile, mobile phone no. 0920-3342831. I am hoping to hear from you, too, so that I can give feedback on your condition to those who have helped you.
(Send your letters to The Philippine Star c/o Allure section or send them directly to Suite 506 Medico Bldg., Lourdes St. cor. San Miguel Ave., Pasig; fax no. 631-38-77; tel. no. 633-38-93; Suite 309 Medical Arts Bldg., St. Luke’s Medical Center, E. Rodriguez Ave., Quezon City; telefax: 723-11-03; e-mail address: ninahalili_allure2001@yahoo)
Good day.
I am a medical intern at present, my problem is my husband who is also a medical intern. After clerkship, my husband decided to undergo his internship in another hospital. I was left in another hospital with my two children aged eight years old and five years old. After two months of being away from each other, I noticed a big change in him. One day he talked to me and asked me not to bother him, not to text him and not to ask about his whereabouts. Then I found out that he had a medical technologist girlfriend in the same hospital where he was having his internship.
The change in him was so abrupt. He became irresponsible and cold and no longer would say, "I love you" and other caring words. He stopped sleeping beside me and started sleeping in another room. I asked him what wrong had I done towards him and his response was that he doesn’t want me to bother him anymore.
Please help me. I hope you can advise me on what to do. I just want to save my family.
Medwife95
I’m sorry to hear about the infidelity of your doctor spouse. I understand your desire to save your family especially with your two young children who are still in their formative years.
Don’t lose hope. The fact that he has not left your home and he has requested some emotional space is indicative that perhaps he is confused himself and that he needs time to think things out. Give him that space and time, perhaps a month or two.
Then the next step is to ask him to have a dialogue with you during which you can tell him the information that you know about his illicit affair.
Don’t be on the war path during this dialogue. Keep your cool. It is important that during this talk you relay to him that you are willing to start anew and forget the past for the sake of your children and for the sake of your love for each other.
Look for an ally, a common friend perhaps who can convince him that the marriage can still be saved. Maybe this ally can influence him that marital therapy will be beneficial at this point for both of you.
Try to look deep within yourself so that you can be more aware of your faults. mannerisms, attitudes, etc. that may have peeved your husband and in some way, led to his drifting away. Self-awareness of one’s shortcomings is the first step towards initiating some change in yourself. Getting negative feedback from your close friends about yourself is another way of finding out your faults.
Going through internship and being a parent is tough. Both of you are undergoing a lot of stress as medical trainees and this "rough sailing" is just the beginning for a career path that you both chose. Your working hours are not the normal 8-a.m. to-5-p.m. office hours. You go into 24, sometimes even 48 to 72 hours duty. This is what partners of medical practitioners should learn to understand. This is why learning to have short quality time with each other is crucial for marriages with doctors.
I hope you can get some emotional support from your family and friends during this crisis. Having your in-laws as allies might be of great help.
And of course, don’t forget yourself during this time of emotional turmoil in your married life. Fix yourself and try to look alluring.
Leave notes of endearment on his bed, on the door of his room or in the mirror in his bathroom to remind him of your loving care.
Cook his favorite viand when he’s in the house. Some men prefer their wives’ cooking. Try to anticipate his needs and prepare these things even before he asks for them. Men love pampering.
Try going out of town with your kids. Having fun as a family may just pave the way for reconciliation.
Remember that getting into heated arguments is a no-no.
If after you have followed all of my tips and you still have not bridged the widening gap between you and your husband and he ends up choosing the other woman, you should not lose face and instead pick up the shattered pieces of your self-esteem.
Yes, depression will set in for some time. But this emotional wound will heal through time with the emotional support of people who care for you. You’ve got to be strong for yourself and your two kids.
I certainly hope you succeed in your quest of saving your family. Good luck to you, Medwife95.
(Send your letters to The Philippine Star c/o Allure section or send them directly to Suite 506 Medico Bldg., Lourdes St. cor. San Miguel Ave., Pasig; fax no. 631-38-77; tel. no. 633-38-93; Suite 309 Medical Arts Bldg., St. Luke’s Medical Center, E. Rodriguez Ave., Quezon City; telefax: 723-11-03; e-mail address: ninahalili_allure2001@yahoo)
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