Reunions, deaths and remembrances

"We should stop meeting like this," is a common expression not only of lovers meeting in the dark, but also of people who occasionally see each other during wakes and funerals of former co-workers, relatives and friends. Phone numbers are jotted down and plans to get together are done.

But promises of keeping in touch or "I will call you" remain unfulfilled. It’s back to the daily grind and concerns of making a living. Then someone dies and the whole cycle is repeated.

This is especially so of a particular age group (e.g., 50 and above) who, to use airport parlance, are in the waiting lounge if not in the departure area. Though very much excited about keeping in touch, the business of attending to the needs of daily life can be quite demanding. Remembering can be quite difficult too if one is undergoing menopause or if one has other pressing needs like looking for the monthly amortizations for cars and homes, paying medical insurance and educational bills.

Getting together is fun and people always look forward to this. Aside from the highly publicized high school and college reunions, there are clan gatherings where relatives from all over eagerly anticipate the appearance of a favorite niece, uncle, tita, lolo and lola. Excited questions like whatever happened to so and so, or how long has it been since you last saw Johnny or Mary pop up like crazy.

But then there are other kinds of reunions and get-togethers that are to be avoided rather than attended. These are during wakes and funerals which are wake-up calls to our own mortality. Unlike other gatherings where laughter is commonly heard, there is the solemn atmosphere and the mood in general is somber.

As someone puts it, people past a certain age are living on borrowed time. More so if these people have grown-up children and have seen the deaths of parents (either their own or those of friends). When we were young, it was hard to understand why our parents insisted on taking us to wakes of their friends who – if ever we knew them – did not mean so much to us. Now, we know better. It is the feeling of loss, of having a part of you die whenever a friend or a relative passes away.

Just this year alone, a friend commented that her social life consisted of attending the wakes of her friends’ parents who were in their seventies, eighties or nineties. This was aside from saying her final goodbyes to friends who went ahead to the Great Beyond. Almost every week was devoted to going around Metro Manila memorial homes just to pay her last respects. This is obligatory especially when the deceased’s children are close friends whose parents played a major part in the visitor’s growing-up years.

Memories have a way of coming back. Who would ever forget those days without cellphones and MRT, when the kids and their best friends went to school with Dad acting as designated driver? It was he who had to go back and forth from school and at times, if the children had to attend parties, be the acting chaperon as well. Then there was dear Mom taking care of the needs of everyone during reviews for exams. Her kitchen was a beehive of activity for her sons, daughters and their bosom buddies who had to be nourished to make their brains work properly.

In as much as one wants to have eternal life for loved ones, there is the feeling of surrender and acceptance as old ones pass away. Nostalgia creeps in as one reminisces those wonderful moments spent in the company of the departed.

Take the case of two elderly matrons who, with newspaper on hand, walked into my Mother’s wake. Reading the obit section of the newspaper, they mentioned Mommy’s maiden name and presented themselves as distant cousins and her gangmates of yore. It was like traveling through time with stories of their youth. Somehow they lost contact until they read the morning papers. For these two ladies, counting those who were still around and keeping if not renewing ties matter a lot.

Reminiscing about the past is one wonderful aspect of wakes where one encounters familiar faces and long-lost relatives. With the deceased playing a central part in the conversations, again, questions like how long has it been since the last time we saw you, how old are your kids, where are they now (referring to relatives and friends who might have migrated elsewhere) are the most common ones. Catching up with the latest on anything and everything that have something to do with kith and kin is not unusual in this kind of gathering.

What a pleasant surprise to find out that young boy the visitor once held in her arms is now all grown up. The look of disbelief is clearly visible. At the same time there is the acknowledgment of time flying by. There is the sad thought that one is advancing in years. This is evident with the cocktail of vitamins and pills taken after every meal and the increasing grade of eyeglasses that have to be worn when old faded photos are taken out.

There are certain no-nos in wakes that are duly observed to avoid stress and conflicts. These pertain to present partners (who by the way are discreetly introduced) and politics, especially if the bereaved and visitors belong to different political persuasions. Again, without being disrespectful to the dead and members of the family, inheritance talks are done in hushed voices and nodding of the heads pointing to which favorite relative would get the lion’s share.

Another no-no is questioning how come another name was mentioned in the obituary for the one who passed away. Relationships that went sour or for other reasons were no longer there are better left unmentioned. Visitors not in the know had better not say anything that might offend present company.

In a country like ours where divorce is not allowed, reading the name of a loving companion a few inches below the name of the real wife has become common place. There are no fast rules on how one goes about this kind of sticky situation. Extending condolences to whomever is the legitimate surviving spouse can pose a problem especially if both parties are present.

Many reasons abound as to why people have grown apart but wakes and funerals have a way of putting them back together. Consoling a person for the loss of a loved one heals wounds and at times, takes away the anger and resentments from strained relationships. Furthermore, though sad they may be, these occasions are good for renewing old friendships and reaching out to people who mean the world to us.

Staying an hour or so in funeral parlors gives time to reflect on what really counts in life. The presence of expensive floral wreaths sent by politicians who barely knew the departed but have sent flowers just the same in the name of public relations does not matter. During these times, one cannot help but be thankful for all the blessings received and the chance to know people who came, cared and shared in the moment of grief.