Should we forgive?

Who has not experienced being hurt in a relationship? Who has not felt the pain of being taken for granted, disappointed, betrayed perhaps, or even abused? Who does not know the frustration of loving someone else, only to be hurt in return, oftentimes to the extent that we know we do not clearly deserve?

When the hurt rankles or when the hurt is so deep, when our frustration seems so intolerable we are almost at our wit’s end, there is one thing we can do to keep ourselves from further sinking into an abyss of despair – it is to unconditionally forgive the one who has hurt us.

But as we may well have experienced, to forgive is always easier said than done. Even if we know it is the right thing to do, the truth is that it is one of the most difficult things to do. To forgive someone who has caused us harm, distress or pain requires us to go against our natural inclination to avenge a wrong; it requires us to follow a different kind of reasoning that on the surface pretty much seems illogical. For indeed, we may wonder, why should we forgive someone who has treated us cruelly? In this world where tit for tat is the norm, making ourselves return meanness with forgiveness seems downright unfair.

Fr. Roy Macatangay, Parochial Vicar of the Parish of St. Francis Xavier in Nasugbu, Batangas, acknowledges the difficulty people have to grapple with before they can forgive.

"Forgiveness is not in human nature," Fr. Macatangay explains, "because our natural reaction as humans when we are hurt is to defend ourselves. This is why forgiveness can take time and why forgiveness is really God’s work. Because if we simply follow human logic, we probably will not choose to forgive."

Because we are required to rise above that natural inclination, Fr. Macatangay continues, forgiveness is thus something we must want to do or something we must consciously aspire to do; forgiveness is a choice, a decision.

We need to forgive because as Fr. Macatangay points out, forgiveness is the healer of relationships, the healer of both the person who forgives and the one who is forgiven.

"Forgiveness can make or break relationships," Fr. Macatangay explains. "If you forgive, you have nothing to lose; but if you do not forgive, you can lose everything. We should always aim for the ideal – striving our best to forgive – so that if we fall short, we at least will still find ourselves in a respectable level.

"The ultimate test that you have forgiven someone is when you do good to the person who hurt you; you do not wish him ill nor do you wish him harm. And you do this not out of a sense of responsibility or obligation but because you know it is the right thing to do."

But what exactly does forgiving mean? What exactly does it entail? Must one sacrifice one’s pride and self-respect just to forgive someone else?

"Forgiving is not the same as allowing yourself to be abused," Fr. Macatangay elaborates. "Forgiveness means that we do not wish ill of the one who has hurt us even if the pain of his hurt is still there. For example, in the case of battered women, asking to be physically separated from one’s spouse or seeking professional or legal help does not mean that the woman does not forgive her spouse. She must also help herself, so there is no contradiction there."

"Or," Fr. Macatangay cites another example, "if someone has hurt you, you do not have to be buddy-buddies with that person if you do not feel like it. It’s not even bad to feel that you would rather not see him. To forgive does not mean you will forget because the memory of the pain is still there. Despite this, however, you do not wish him ill. And should the time come that that person finds himself in dire need and you know your help can make a difference, you know you have forgiven him when you do help him. You know you have forgiven when you want to lead or bring that person to good. Forgiveness, in a word, is goodness."

But, Fr. Macatangay adds, "With forgiveness must also come repentance. There’s a difference between tolerating a vice and helping that person free himself from his vice. While it is true that the heart has its reasons and one can forgive repeatedly, the (offender) must also make amends; mere words or promises to change are empty."

"In the Lord’s Prayer," Fr. Macatangay says, "we ask, ‘Forgive us our sins as we forgive those who have sinned against us.’ This means that we will only be forgiven (to the extent) that we forgive." Or, to paraphrase Fr. Macatangay, we will only be happy to the extent that we forgive those who have done us wrong.

And this is precisely why we should we forgive – because we owe that much to ourselves. We must forgive because we deserve the pleasure of traveling through life unfettered and unshackled from hate, anger, resentment. Forgiveness allows us to travel through life light and easy.

We can hate someone else with a passion – even spend each of our waking time hating him – but that fire of hate will only consume us, not him, in the end. To refuse to forgive someone who has hurt us is to allow him the pleasure of continuing to hurt us.

To forgive is to choose to believe that love is far, far more deserving of our time and attention than hate, and that the only way to stop the cycle of hate is to answer it with love in return.

Only when we have forgiven can we say that we are truly free.

(E-mail reactions to annmondo@yahoo.com)