What to do when your husband is fooling around

I discovered recently that my husband was having an affair. I was devastated, then angry, then confused. When is the right time to seek legal advice for legal separation or dissolution of marriage? When should a woman forgive and forget?

These were the anguished questions sent to me by a reader who has requested anonymity. She has been married for more than 25 years. Although there were strains in her marriage in the past, she and her husband managed to patch things up. Unfortunately, it was only recently that she was able to confirm her husband’s infidelity.

Normally, whenever I’m asked what should be done upon the discovery of the infidelity of a marital partner, I advise that the couple consult a psychiatrist or marriage counselor to determine whether they may still benefit from therapy. In this way, the couple may process their differences and repair their emotional bonding and trust towards each other and work towards reconciliation.

I feel that the right time to seek legal advice from a lawyer for legal separation or annulment is only when the option of reconciliation is deemed by the couple as an impossible task. This means, only when all attempts for reconciliation has been tried and exhausted. Attempts to save the marriage must first be done in order to prevent adverse effects on the children especially if the children are still very young.

In the marriage of our letter sender which has lasted for over two decades, there will be so many legal issues to settle like the separation of conjugal properties, the custody of their children and the financial support for the wife and children. Going through the process of legal separation or annulment may involve a difficult and long period. It may bring about emotional turmoil not only to the separating couple but also to their children.

Regarding our letter sender’s third question as to when a woman should forgive and forget, I am of the opinion that it will really depend on the woman’s personality and values on love and marriage. Why? Because there are some women who can forgive and forget their philandering husbands’ misdeeds. These women may be able to do so because of several reasons. A lot of "martyr type" women will accept their sad fate of forever waiting for their philandering husbands to come home in the wee hours of the morning, usually drunk and hostile towards them. They will try to stretch their patience regarding their husbands’ womanizing because of some secondary gain like their need to maintain their status as the legal wife. They may need to continue being the legitimate wife perhaps for obvious financial stability or even for political reasons. Some of such women’s reasons may be because of shame (hiya) since being separated and labeled as a separada may not be socially acceptable in their family, clan or community. Still, there are some women who are of the belief that their marriage is sacred and can only be terminated with the demise of one of the spouses. Such women will therefore stick it out, forgive and forget no matter what happens.

In addition, there are also women who cope with the pain of living with a philandering husband by rationalizing that anyway, the husband continues to come home to her and is a good provider. Usually, these are the women who have dedicated their lives to being full-time housewives, who have even given up their own circle of friends to focus their attention on their families and husbands and who cannot stand up on their own without the financial support of their husbands.

I just don’t know the kind of personality of our letter sender and what are her coping styles. If she is of the martyr type, she will eventually forgive and forget and be forever destined to a life of never-ending woes, for her spouse may not be able to change his philandering ways after all. If she is the kind of woman who wants a better married life, she will pursue the path of marriage counseling to achieve reconciliation and compromise. And if she is a woman who desires happiness and peace of mind, she may choose to end her mental anguish over the pervasive pattern of womanizing of her spouse and with the help of her lawyer and psychiatrist/psychologist, declare her own "state of rebellion" and liberate herself.

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Belated happy birthday to Rep. Jesli Lapus.

Congratulations to my son, Bernard and to his other successful batch mates of UPCM class 2003 for passing the board exam for physicians given last August.

Congratulations to Dr. Rene Samaniego of Makati Medical Center for topping the written portion of the diplomate exams for psychiatrists given by the Philippine Board of Psychiatry last Aug. 30.

(In case you have problems about love, looks and relationships, do send your letters to The Philippine Star c/o Allure Section or send them directly to Suite 506 Medico Bldg., Lourdes Street cor. San Miguel Ave., Pasig; fax no. 631-38-77; tel. no. 633-38-93; Suite 309 Medical Arts Bldg., St. Luke’s Medical Center, E. Rodriguez Ave., Quezon City; tele fax: 723-11-03; e-mail address: ninahalili_allure2001@yahool.com; ninahalilimd@yahoo.com)