Jail house and garden

Ever wondered how to festoon a jail cell window? What are the fashionable accessories and colors for accentuating penitentiary apparel? How many sets of silverware, doilies, candelabras and placemats can be used at a correctional institute mess hall dinner? When do you – and when don’t you – have to invite the warden and all the fellow inmates of your cellblock? Don’t look now, but if the United States Securities and Exchange Commission really stick to their "blazing guns," Martha Stewart may soon be answering those questions.

Initially investigated for insider trading, Little Miss Perfect Homemaker Martha is now being indicted on several counts, including perjury and conspiracy to obstruct justice and commit securities fraud. Stewart and her stockbroker fell under scrutiny when, a day after selling huge chunks of shares of her publicly-listed company, the share prices fell at an alarming rate. As the government spokesperson was explaining, it’s the apparent lying and falsity that’s being punished. Several years in jail are a distinct possibility.

Let’s see how real that threat becomes. While Wall Street white-collar criminals do get their comeuppance and some really end up "doing time" (as in the case of Mr. Boesky); the celebrity status of Martha does create waves of a different order. Winona Ryder, Hugh Grant, O.J. Simpson, Robert Downey Jr., and so on; the charges vary, but even when the guilty verdict did come in, how many actually went behind bars and how many did community service? Just thinking about Martha’s day in court, can you imagine what kind of media circus will ensue? All eyes will be on her impeccably chosen wardrobe and demeanor. People will anticipate the well-timed tears that will trickle down her cheeks and what hanky she’ll use to dab them away. "Smear-able" makeup, or "ice maiden" and steely composure?

Martha becomes another prime example of what I call the SOS syndrome. Style Over Substance; it’s the sickness that plagues our era. In a future installment, I’ll go into more detail about how this disease permeates us here in the Philippines as well; but for now, let’s just observe that here is a woman who many regard as having written the Bible on how to be imaginative within one’s home. To women all over the world, she epitomized stylish and classy homemaking. In the same manner that Amy Vanderbilt represented manners and gentility to another generation, Martha Stewart was the name for today when it came to entertaining at home, and practical yet innovative housekeeping. We may not all have a Cape Cod rest house or a Newport home by the beach; but women just took to her suggestions on how to utilize space and spruce up one’s home. How many Filipino coffee tables and libraries would have at least one Martha publication?

And yet, if we are to believe the charges, when the chips fell and the company began to experience fiduciary problems, Martha colluded with her stockbroker to create a personal windfall, one at the expense of the thousands of people who had invested in her financial empire. Lying about the true financial picture of her company, she apparently showed that when it came to values, she’s as deep as a serving tray or an infant’s wading pool. Never mind that some may have put their life savings into her company’s stocks, believing in the public persona that had been carefully cultivated and packaged throughout the years. In true 21st-century fashion, it was all style, with no substance.

Grooming regi-Men?

How vain are men today? I can only speak for myself, as the people of Kerastasse (a L’Oreal product) asked me recently if I followed some grooming regimen. This got me thinking that as with most things, vanity is relative.

Do I sneak a glance at every mirror I pass? I’d be lying if I said no, but at the same time, I do try to make it as quick and unnoticed as possible. There obviously is a stigma attached to looking like some modern day Narcissus; especially when I’m more than aware that at the most, am just checking that I still look half way decent and well-groomed, and am not deluded enough to think "Yup, still drop dead gorgeous."

That bloated attitude I’ll leave to some of the male movie stars and models I’ve encountered in the course of writing for this newspaper and the magazine, People Asia. The big test would be sitting across them with a big mirror behind my back. It’s amazing to note how many times I’d look up to ask some question or make some comment and find their eyes riveted to their own image. Comes with the territory, I guess.

What personal concept I have of grooming and skincare comes with paranoia and love, courtesy of my late mother. With a due date of late March, for some unfathomable reason, I entered this world mid-April. For making her go through that ordeal, she’d constantly warn me, "You were practically a prune when you came out and you’re cursed for life with very dry skin, so if we run out of tracing paper, we can use your body. Always use moisturizers and don’t tempt fate with constant sun exposure." It sure made me sound like I was made of kindling, ready to spontaneously ignite if not smeared with SPF 45.

Then, as I grew older, I noticed how, on some days, she’d get virgin olive oil from the kitchen and actually dab it on her face, leaving it there for 15 minutes. We’d joke and call it her "salad days" (10 points to those who got Shakespeare’s Anthony and Cleopatra reference). She’d talk about how the olive tree is the Mediterranean’s tree of life; it’s fruit possessing nourishing and moisturizing qualities.

Ergo, I was pleased to discover that L’Occitane now carries a premium olive oil based line. From regular soaps to soaps with bits of branch that possess exfoliating properties, gentle daily shampoos and facial creams and regular shower creams, and even massage and bath oils; you name it and they have it. Lush’s extra virgin olive oil soap is a conversation piece in itself, but with dried leaves and bark embedded in the soap, be forewarned that as you expend the bar, the bits come off on your hand, and end up floating in one’s sink or shower floor. But consistently, the really fresh, clean scent of olive oil comes through with these products.

Blame my Mom, but I’m a sucker when it comes to these olive oil- based products. So thanks to L’Occitane and Lush, I do have a regimen of sorts when it comes to skincare. And thanks Mom, but at least I don’t have to bring in the ground pepper, vinegar or Caesar dressing to make this regimen look complete. I may still end up with parchment skin and marbled legs, but it won’t be for lack of trying to avoid that fate.

(E-mail the author at peopleasia@qinet.net)