The 2002 Black-Hole of Fame Awards
January 26, 2003 | 12:00am
Who am I not to join the rush of those looking back at the year that was? Here’s my abridged version, made to evince a laugh or two, a knowing nod, or just poke gentle fun at our city and its denizens. And please, no super-sensitive onion-skinned reactions; the following are used as points of departure for humor or objective observations.
Today’s first award goes to the Metro Manila Film Festival, not for the obvious Dekada debacle, but for the glorious inroads it has made over the last two years to becoming pan-provincial. That’s the only way to explain how it’s subtly become the Metro Manila/Pampanga Festival. In 2001, we saw the film entry of the presidential son/vice governor make the cut, so 2002 had the governor following suit. Is there a governor general of Pampanga or some showbiz mayor? The 2003 Festival is up this December and the 2004 version may no longer have Gloria ruling as president!
Who conceptualized last year’s Pampanga entry? I can almost imagine the pre-prod meetings. "Lapu-Lapu has double initial L’s, so let’s look for a star who also has the double L? Then for leading lady, let’s maintain the double initial standard and cast Joyce." Hey, why did you stop there? The film might have gone down the annals of Philippine film trivia if you maintained that standard for casting the whole film. Get Alvin Anson, Piolo Pascual, Bernard Bonnin, Ruby Rodriguez, Princess Punzalan, Gerry Geronimo to do a documentary type introduction to the film, Klaudia Koronel, and last but not the least, given those box-office figures, Pong Pagong as fellow sea creature to Lapu-Lapu.
The second award is for Design and it goes to the architectural firm that designed Greenbelt 3–when it rains. And the prize? Shower caps for all the designers that we can stretch down to their collective necks. Come on, great concept, which I recalled was trying to create a Malate-type feel here in Makati and maintaining an outdoorsy feel and ambience while in a mall, and it works.
But did we have to get so literal? Malate is a pain when it’s pouring, so did we have to replicate that here in a mall environment? What was it to create sufficient overhang on the roofs to protect the walkways of the mall’s upper floors? People don’t look up while walking, so nothing would have been lost aesthetically by making such provisions. I saw the ludicrous spectacle of security guards doubling, tripling, even quadrupling their duties by acting as umbrella holders, floor moppers and shopping bag carriers, ferrying patrons of Tavern the few steps it would take to reach Sentro and vice versa. Excuse me! You didn’t remember it rains practically half the year? Or were we supposed to park our cars in the basement and still bring our umbrellas with us, just in case we want to move within the various levels of the mall. I’m told this oversight is now being corrected. I certainly hope so, as Greenbelt 3 does have much to offer and it would be a shame to have the same scenario being created when the real rainy season arrives later in the year.
The third award handed out today goes to Father of the Year Michael Jackson. No, it is not true that the Philippine All-Celebrity Parenting Convention of 2003 is getting him to deliver the keynote speech from a third floor balcony. They’re doing it from the sixth floor balcony; and it is being touted as "20 glorious minutes of barely intelligible high-pitched sound waves and unfinished sentences coupled with baby juggling, glass curtain fetish and a revival of that old time favorite, moon-walking... on his sunspots."
What is it with the world at large that can’t we just lock him up in a recording studio and throw away the key? Or can’t President George W. Bush threaten Iraq and North Korea by appointing MJ as weapons inspector? He may not be nuclear, but he can always claim to be a physicist; studying "velocity and gravity pull versus airheadedness of parent of a descending infant." He can probably still make great music but give me a break, is there anything else we need him for? You can throw away the key, as he doesn’t do concerts anymore (he won’t show up anyway). And other than whitening products (hmmm, maybe he does have a future in this region), what company would still touch him to endorse their products. At least, we now know what he’d like to touch.
Next award is the "High Tech Expectations Coupled with Low High Jinks Reality" Award which goes out to the Mummy Returns. Live walk through at Rockwell’s Power Plant. I’m sorry, but I remembered the two Mummy movies for their special effects, great sets and tongue-in-cheek dialogue and acting, a "youngish Indiana Jones series for my kids" in the making.
So, I fully expected this straight from Hollywood roadshow to have Universal Studios theme park values and sensibilities. The sets are fine and the costumes true to the film, but how are the scares created? Uh, I know it’s letting the cat (Egyptian, no less) out of the bag, but it’s by costumed characters hiding behind corners, jumping out and making you "bulaga." Duhhh! How cheesy is that. They’ll even stomp their feet or follow you for a few steps in the hope of scaring you. Okay, you got the younger kids fooled as they don’t know any better; but other than the catacomb wall that leans over, what was the hype all about? The time I walked through, one character was even rushing to put his headgear back on as it was probably hot or too tight and we had already reached his section. I don’t know, but even my eight-year-old felt a tad let down.
Not sure if this sideshow is making money for the people who brought it in; but if it is, Mother Lily should take the cue. No royalties to pay, and earmarked for the more masa-based malls, she could come up with the Mano Po! Ang Bahay ni Lola walk through. Creaky rocking chairs, a special appearance by the Tiyanak, Kris Aquino hosting in Cantonese, and the sets and costumes swathed in red could signify both blood and gore, and the favorite colors of us Chinese-Filipinos. You can even maintain the red motif, but in polka dots for the Chinese New Year chamber of cracked crab claws (just go to any Chinese family’s lauriat reunion and you’ll know what I mean). And just like Mummy Returns, you hire all these people to spring out from blind corners, aparadors and Chinese screens, scaring the be-jesus (or in this case, be-Confucius?) out of the paying patrons.
Secretary Mar Roxas clued me in on the following fact. In the information communication technology world, one of the leading publications is the Asian Call Center Review; and in 2002, the Philippines was voted "numero uno" for the region when it comes to operating in the English language (India, a former English colony, came in second). So let’s reserve an award for those doing the utmost (Not!) for helping us keep that ranking, whether in grammar, diction or spelling. It’s a toss-up between the texting phenomenon on one hand (great for undoing most everything we learned about spelling), and the "It’s a Magic!" commercial (yup, I’ve already heard kids exclaim this during Little League baseball games, thinking they’ve stumbled onto grammatical nirvana).
The last award still needs some thought. Naturally, it’s for the Couple of the Year and bets are still open as to who’ll make the final pair. This is where I’ll need your votes and opinions. The ever expanding list of nominees now includes Jules and Assunta, Mahal and what’s his name (OK, someone reminded me, Jimboy), GMA and Nani, Nani and MJ (not the gloved one who’s Father of the Year, nor the one playing for the Washington Wizards, this is the Miami based one), Kris and Joey, Lualhati and Rey, Kate and Rod, Claudine and Raymart. Suggest other nominees or cast your votes... now.
For those who can recall the "expert, genius, hero" piece I wrote, which then expanded to include "icon" and "reinvent", let’s now add the title "chef." You know, how these terms are used at the drop of a pin in this Age of Hype and media/PR frenzy. Apparently, the simplest thing in Manila is to put someone in a kitchen and that someone automatically earns the sobriquet of "Chef."
I checked and the American Culinary Federation has a very detailed point system (Europe has one that’s even more complicated), and a hierarchical table, which is strictly adhered to, less one overstates his or her qualifications. There are Executive Chefs, Personal Chefs, Sous Chefs, Pastry Chefs, Culinarians. And the "cooks" working under these ranked individuals are called "commis." Within the commis, there are even three levels. The system does allow for those who may have not undergone formal education, substituting this with said point system, based on years of service in a food service institution.
Bottom rung of the ranked classes are the culinarians and just to give you an example of what it takes is to be a culinarian, read on; "an entry level culinary professional... responsible to prepare and cook sauces, cold fish, soups and stocks, meats, vegetables, eggs and other food items. Possesses a basic knowledge of food safety and sanitation, culinary nutrition and supervisory management."
Whoa! So you really have to earn your "toque," not just pull it off a rack and plant it on your head. Wonder how many of the "chefs" we have here would hold up under proper scrutiny.
E-mail the author at: peopleasia@qinet.net
Today’s first award goes to the Metro Manila Film Festival, not for the obvious Dekada debacle, but for the glorious inroads it has made over the last two years to becoming pan-provincial. That’s the only way to explain how it’s subtly become the Metro Manila/Pampanga Festival. In 2001, we saw the film entry of the presidential son/vice governor make the cut, so 2002 had the governor following suit. Is there a governor general of Pampanga or some showbiz mayor? The 2003 Festival is up this December and the 2004 version may no longer have Gloria ruling as president!
Who conceptualized last year’s Pampanga entry? I can almost imagine the pre-prod meetings. "Lapu-Lapu has double initial L’s, so let’s look for a star who also has the double L? Then for leading lady, let’s maintain the double initial standard and cast Joyce." Hey, why did you stop there? The film might have gone down the annals of Philippine film trivia if you maintained that standard for casting the whole film. Get Alvin Anson, Piolo Pascual, Bernard Bonnin, Ruby Rodriguez, Princess Punzalan, Gerry Geronimo to do a documentary type introduction to the film, Klaudia Koronel, and last but not the least, given those box-office figures, Pong Pagong as fellow sea creature to Lapu-Lapu.
The second award is for Design and it goes to the architectural firm that designed Greenbelt 3–when it rains. And the prize? Shower caps for all the designers that we can stretch down to their collective necks. Come on, great concept, which I recalled was trying to create a Malate-type feel here in Makati and maintaining an outdoorsy feel and ambience while in a mall, and it works.
But did we have to get so literal? Malate is a pain when it’s pouring, so did we have to replicate that here in a mall environment? What was it to create sufficient overhang on the roofs to protect the walkways of the mall’s upper floors? People don’t look up while walking, so nothing would have been lost aesthetically by making such provisions. I saw the ludicrous spectacle of security guards doubling, tripling, even quadrupling their duties by acting as umbrella holders, floor moppers and shopping bag carriers, ferrying patrons of Tavern the few steps it would take to reach Sentro and vice versa. Excuse me! You didn’t remember it rains practically half the year? Or were we supposed to park our cars in the basement and still bring our umbrellas with us, just in case we want to move within the various levels of the mall. I’m told this oversight is now being corrected. I certainly hope so, as Greenbelt 3 does have much to offer and it would be a shame to have the same scenario being created when the real rainy season arrives later in the year.
The third award handed out today goes to Father of the Year Michael Jackson. No, it is not true that the Philippine All-Celebrity Parenting Convention of 2003 is getting him to deliver the keynote speech from a third floor balcony. They’re doing it from the sixth floor balcony; and it is being touted as "20 glorious minutes of barely intelligible high-pitched sound waves and unfinished sentences coupled with baby juggling, glass curtain fetish and a revival of that old time favorite, moon-walking... on his sunspots."
What is it with the world at large that can’t we just lock him up in a recording studio and throw away the key? Or can’t President George W. Bush threaten Iraq and North Korea by appointing MJ as weapons inspector? He may not be nuclear, but he can always claim to be a physicist; studying "velocity and gravity pull versus airheadedness of parent of a descending infant." He can probably still make great music but give me a break, is there anything else we need him for? You can throw away the key, as he doesn’t do concerts anymore (he won’t show up anyway). And other than whitening products (hmmm, maybe he does have a future in this region), what company would still touch him to endorse their products. At least, we now know what he’d like to touch.
Next award is the "High Tech Expectations Coupled with Low High Jinks Reality" Award which goes out to the Mummy Returns. Live walk through at Rockwell’s Power Plant. I’m sorry, but I remembered the two Mummy movies for their special effects, great sets and tongue-in-cheek dialogue and acting, a "youngish Indiana Jones series for my kids" in the making.
So, I fully expected this straight from Hollywood roadshow to have Universal Studios theme park values and sensibilities. The sets are fine and the costumes true to the film, but how are the scares created? Uh, I know it’s letting the cat (Egyptian, no less) out of the bag, but it’s by costumed characters hiding behind corners, jumping out and making you "bulaga." Duhhh! How cheesy is that. They’ll even stomp their feet or follow you for a few steps in the hope of scaring you. Okay, you got the younger kids fooled as they don’t know any better; but other than the catacomb wall that leans over, what was the hype all about? The time I walked through, one character was even rushing to put his headgear back on as it was probably hot or too tight and we had already reached his section. I don’t know, but even my eight-year-old felt a tad let down.
Not sure if this sideshow is making money for the people who brought it in; but if it is, Mother Lily should take the cue. No royalties to pay, and earmarked for the more masa-based malls, she could come up with the Mano Po! Ang Bahay ni Lola walk through. Creaky rocking chairs, a special appearance by the Tiyanak, Kris Aquino hosting in Cantonese, and the sets and costumes swathed in red could signify both blood and gore, and the favorite colors of us Chinese-Filipinos. You can even maintain the red motif, but in polka dots for the Chinese New Year chamber of cracked crab claws (just go to any Chinese family’s lauriat reunion and you’ll know what I mean). And just like Mummy Returns, you hire all these people to spring out from blind corners, aparadors and Chinese screens, scaring the be-jesus (or in this case, be-Confucius?) out of the paying patrons.
Secretary Mar Roxas clued me in on the following fact. In the information communication technology world, one of the leading publications is the Asian Call Center Review; and in 2002, the Philippines was voted "numero uno" for the region when it comes to operating in the English language (India, a former English colony, came in second). So let’s reserve an award for those doing the utmost (Not!) for helping us keep that ranking, whether in grammar, diction or spelling. It’s a toss-up between the texting phenomenon on one hand (great for undoing most everything we learned about spelling), and the "It’s a Magic!" commercial (yup, I’ve already heard kids exclaim this during Little League baseball games, thinking they’ve stumbled onto grammatical nirvana).
The last award still needs some thought. Naturally, it’s for the Couple of the Year and bets are still open as to who’ll make the final pair. This is where I’ll need your votes and opinions. The ever expanding list of nominees now includes Jules and Assunta, Mahal and what’s his name (OK, someone reminded me, Jimboy), GMA and Nani, Nani and MJ (not the gloved one who’s Father of the Year, nor the one playing for the Washington Wizards, this is the Miami based one), Kris and Joey, Lualhati and Rey, Kate and Rod, Claudine and Raymart. Suggest other nominees or cast your votes... now.
I checked and the American Culinary Federation has a very detailed point system (Europe has one that’s even more complicated), and a hierarchical table, which is strictly adhered to, less one overstates his or her qualifications. There are Executive Chefs, Personal Chefs, Sous Chefs, Pastry Chefs, Culinarians. And the "cooks" working under these ranked individuals are called "commis." Within the commis, there are even three levels. The system does allow for those who may have not undergone formal education, substituting this with said point system, based on years of service in a food service institution.
Bottom rung of the ranked classes are the culinarians and just to give you an example of what it takes is to be a culinarian, read on; "an entry level culinary professional... responsible to prepare and cook sauces, cold fish, soups and stocks, meats, vegetables, eggs and other food items. Possesses a basic knowledge of food safety and sanitation, culinary nutrition and supervisory management."
Whoa! So you really have to earn your "toque," not just pull it off a rack and plant it on your head. Wonder how many of the "chefs" we have here would hold up under proper scrutiny.
E-mail the author at: peopleasia@qinet.net
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