Many of us look at those among us who are the brightest and most beautiful and believe that their lives are of utter perfection, unscathed by any form of hardship. We then reflect on our lives and feel like failures for not living up to theirs. The crux of life however is in realizing that all of us are not immune from pain and suffering, that all of us are faced with imperfections and crosses that are at times seemingly too great to carry, and that everyone has a story to share and learn from. This is Crisann Olives- Celdran’s story–a story of courage and faith that puts many of us to shame.
Even in a crowd of the glitziest and most beautiful, Crisann would easily stand out. I have known her for several years, as she is a close friend of my sisters. I have long marveled at her porcelain skin, her doll-like face and a figure that any couturier would desire to design for. So enchanting is she that Rajo Laurel often referred to her as his muse. But no one could ever begrudge Crisann her good fortune for hers is a demeanor so endearing, calm and pleasant that to wish her ill for her seeming perfection would seem sacrilegious. Her good fortune reached new heights when she married her long-time friend, Miguel Celdran.
Four months after she was married, Crisann was scheduled for a routine check-up. The attending physician detected a lump on her breast and recommended her to a surgeon, who immediately performed an excision biopsy. It only took a day for Crisann’s life to change completely. Tests proved that she had cancer and that a mastectomy would have to be performed immediately.
Crisann recalls, "I was surprisingly calm when the doctor told me those dreaded words, ‘You have cancer!’ It was like my defense mechanisms just shot up and shielded me from the emotional pain. Millions of thoughts flashed in my head: Would I be able to have children? Would I lose my hair? What would the future hold? Will I die? It was very hard on Miguel, though. He was just as shocked as I was but did his best to be brave. I remember him shouting as the medical staff wheeled me into the operating room, ‘Nuke ’em Crisann! You go, girl’!" If only it were all that easy.
The diagnosis of Crisann’s condition was not very encouraging. Although she was younger than most breast cancer patients, her cancer had gone beyond her breast, spreading to four of her lymph nodes. Crisann however, chose to remain optimistic. "Four out of my 12 lymph nodes were affected. That meant that those four brave lymph nodes were protecting the rest of my body from further infection. All of a sudden I saw four out of 12 as a good sign," she says.
After three months of rest, Crisann underwent chemotherapy and radiation. Chemotherapy was a great burden on Crisann both physically and emotionally. There were times that, as a result of her chemotherapy, Crisann’s body would be too weak to even get out of bed. Instead of sinking into depression, she would look forward to the days when she would feel relatively well enough to go about a normal life. And for these days she would be thankful.
Because of the inevitable loss of hair that results from undergoing chemo, Miguel took Crisann to a parlor for a buzz cut. In solidarity, Miguel had his hair "buzzed" as well.
The beautiful Crisann now had to contend not only with baldness but also with constant steroid-induced swelling on her face and considerable weight gain. She promptly turned to wearing wigs, hats, dark shades and over-sized shirts to camouflage her looks.
It has been about 39 months since the day that changed Crisann’s life forever. Her hair has grown back and she has lost much of the weight that she previously had packed. In dinners, hers is still the laughter that peals like a million little bells; hers are the eyes that radiate with wonderment and the face that seems perfect and pain-free.
"Being struck by cancer has taught me a great deal about humility," she muses. "I could never have survived the ordeal without the love and support of my friends, family and husband. The experience has given me a chance to reach out to other breast cancer patients. I have found incredibly brave women in my support group and as a result, I have chosen to serve as a counselor for a foundation called I CAN SERVE (a brainchild of Kara Magsanoc-Alikpala). The foundation’s aim is to empower breast cancer patients by giving them as much information as we can about the disease. We also give them moral support as they undergo treatments. We teach them how to look pretty in spite of their mastectomies and hair loss.
"I did not welcome cancer in my life. But it is here. I am not thrilled that I remind people every day that this can happen to anyone at any age. Now, I value every day that I am alive. I am not out of the woods yet. I have to wait five years before even beginning to consider having a child. But I leave everything to God. I have learned not to feel the need to be in control of everything. Having experienced cancer has changed my life completely and I can only respond to this change by turning something that is negative into something positive. This is why I choose to serve others who are experiencing for the first time what I have gone through."
Crisann carries the cross of living with cancer to this day, but she considers it a teacher and a gift rather than a burden because it has enriched her life beyond measure. She considers herself as being given a second chance at life–a life that she intends to live as meaningfully as she can. And that is what makes Crisann beautiful. She stares cancer in the face with the clearest, most honest eyes and has chosen love and optimism when it was so easy to become bitter and angry. Instead of cursing God for her affliction, she holds on to Him for strength.
In this imperfect life, one thing is certain. For every crisis there is a choice–a choice to make the best of our situation, or the choice to crumble and lose hope. Crisann to me is the brightest and loveliest of our little dinner set because she has returned the physical and emotional burns and lacerations that have inflicted her with love. A love that will keep her in perfect tranquillity no matter what the future holds.
(I CAN SERVE, tel. no. 687-3942; e-mail: icanserve@yahoo.com; Site: www.icanserve.com; address: P.O. Box 13107 Ortigas Post Office, Ortigas Center, Pasig, MM 1605.)
Modeling photos of Crisann by Joanne Zapanta-Andrada