Understandably, dating times are hard. No thanks to the slim pickin’ phenomenon, you are deeply engrossed in terribly horrifying situations the average folk would find plain sick. And yet you’re convinced it’s the only plausible way to keep that glimmer of a chance at possible couplehood.
Are you:
• Fervently scheming to steal your best friend’s schnookums away from her, attributing it to the fact that he’s actually better for you, believing that he secretly digs you too?
• Considering an alternative career in a remote nunnery somewhere, determined to revolutionize the Sound of Music into some filthy, R-rated musical?
•Contemplating a homosexual lifestyle… trying your darn best to get aroused by another woman’s chest area instead of throwing a jealous fit that your boobs don’t jiggle the same way?
• Having your folks remodel your room for the long haul…since you always felt the need to be the hero and dedicate your life to taking care of the elderly (did you say your parents were barely past the age of 40?)?
• Starting to find your first cousin oddly attractive. (No pun intended, Madam President.)
Talk about going off the deep end.
For all you 21st century gals out there, surely you’ve done the whole "driver seat" thing, taking initiative, steering the whole relationship game in your favor by being the great hunter. Phone calls, far from subtle hints, the most seductive dress, flickering eyelashes, enticing perfume.
Some tend to do more than succeed and get the man of their dreams. Others go in with wishy-washy intentions, have their fun, then fall face down with a lot more baggage than expected (too bad Anna Nicole Smith and her knockers weren’t smart enough to hide the fact that she was only in it for the old man’s stash of cash). Then there are those who are brave enough to try, but not blessed enough to get far.
Whatever the case, this particular brand of woman deserves an A+ for sheer effort to break away from anything conventional. And if any of the above is your plight in life at this point–all the luck to you. At least you can’t be faulted for not trying.
As for those of you who are clearly trapped in civilizations past, willing to conform to the cut and dried rules of the Brady Bunch "a boy must ask a girl out, not the other way around" cult–you obviously have no right to throw the towel in. Hell, you haven’t even broken into a sweat yet!
Sure, you’ve experienced the occasional heartbreak here and there, the he-doesn’t-even-know-that-I-exist kind. It’s not completely your fault that your belief system has you sit and wait for things to happen. It’s so naïve. So innocent. A definite candidate for martyrdom.
Well here’s a tip for you Maria Clara clones who refuse to pick up that phone and call Mr. Hunky Dory! Instead of just sitting your pretty little heads watching throngs of testosterone pass you by without having your way with them, why not be a little more interactive… albeit quite delicately, waving those lovely lace fans across your withdrawn glances.
Imagine having dibs on the goings-on in that masculine head? Think Mel Gibson in What Women Want without the unnecessary jibber-jabber (the city lights in the male brain aren’t half as lit and loud as those of the ever-so-complex feminine cerebrum.)
With the help of a whole array of charmingly honest guys–from single to not so single, boyish to manly, artistic to calculated, reserved to outgoing–who were all promised 100 percent anonymity (so as not to be ostracized by the rest of mankind for that brief moment of weakness and utter truth)…I proudly present:
The quintessential art of ‘He likes me, he likes me not’
(Tips dispelled by men to the detriment of Machismo as we know it, rehashed by a woman… for the sake of her conventional kind).
Gone is the era of Mr. Neanderthal taking a bat to Ms. Cavewoman’s head as a true sign of love and devotion. And although the way of the tide still traditionally dictates that the boys get to pick out the girls, something definitely went amiss with the rules somewhere. Men have learned the art of subtlety (surprisingly). Hints and tricks have become hard to read. "I never meant to lead you on…" has become a staple in any man’s verbal diet. Forming the right partnership has become such a task!
Without the throbbing head injury or the sore black eye from that blasted wooden club… how can the woman of today tell if a man likes her or not?
Enough of this history crap. Let’s get down to the here and now. Chauvinism out the door, humanity in. Men, believe it or not, have a sensitive, fragile side to them.
Even if it’s just to get the girl.
So here are a few surefire signs, riveting knee—buckling moments, displayed by the opposite sex, all for the love of the game…and the "like" of the chick.
Losing it… composure, that is!
"There was this girl I found really cute at a bar one night. I approached her, all nervous, getting ready to merely ask for her name. Instead, I blurted out ‘will you marry me?’… I was mortified!" – Wordsworth*, 31, Talent Agent
DIAGNOSIS: Unlikely nervousness
Guys usually tend to act all cool and collected. Abnormal behavior is easily detectable.
SOME SYMPTOMS:
• Never-ending sweat
• Stuttering
• Jittery Demeanor
• Clumsiness
• Tends to agree with everything you say
HE LIKES YOU…
…When his sweaty palm tends to brush your arm every so often, accompanied by some semblance of a compliment such as "Um, um, um, nice blouse!"…when you’re actually wearing a dress.
HE LIKES YOU NOT…
…When his sweaty palm grabs your shirt, wipes the moisture off his hand, and grabs your girl friend’s hand.
Attention... all yours!
"I’d definitely laugh at all her jokes…even if they weren’t all that funny." –Funny Bone*, 27, Sportscaster
DIAGNOSIS: All-around attentiveness
SYMPTOMS:
• Not taking notice of anyone else in the room
• Forever checking on whether you need a drink when you’re out
• All your jokes somehow garner wild laughter with him
• He values your opinion on everything
• If you ask him for the moon, he may just apply to NASA
HE LIKES YOU…
…When you tell him you’ve got a headache, he combs the metro for a 24-hour drugstore at 3 a.m.
HE LIKES YOU NOT…
…When you tell him you’ve got a headache, he blurts out "Oh, that’s nice!" and continues chatting it up with the pretty waitress.
It’s the little things that count
"I love going away with the scent that she leaves behind. And I always tell her how great she smells." –Whiffman*, 23, Account Executive
DIAGNOSIS: Notices the little things that normally don’t matter to men
SYMPTOMS:
• He knows the exact color of your eyes
• Your "good hair day" will never go unnoticed
• He compliments you on your new nail polish
• He can tell when you’re bothered about something through the crinkle in your forehead
• He’ll take you to a romantic movie because he knows it’s your favorite thing
HE LIKES YOU…
…When he gets you a red tank top… to match the color of your brand-new Indian Summer hair tint.
HE LIKES YOU NOT…
…When he doesn’t even realize you’ve dyed your hair bright red.
Stop and stare awhile
"My brother and I have a ‘double eye-contact’ strategy. The initial glance is just to check her out. The second time means we’re interested." –Gazer*, 24, Businessman
DIAGNOSIS: Can’t help but stare out of sheer infatuation
SYMPTOMS:
• Constant stolen glances
• Lots of eye contact
• Smiling for no apparent reason
• Sighing
HE LIKES YOU…
…When you catch him looking at you…without taking a moment to blink.
HE LIKES YOU NOT…
…When you catch him looking at you…without taking a moment to tell you that you’ve got an annoying booger up your nose.
Later, dude
"I would definitely give up quality time with the boys for her."–Smart Kid*, 19, Student
DIAGNOSIS: No real schedule of his own
SYMPTOMS:
• Will spend all his free time with you
• Can easily give up a night out with the guys
• Constantly asking you out
• Texts just to check on you
• He can chat with you on the phone for hours
HE LIKES YOU…
…When you decline an invitation to a Saturday night out, he’ll cancel his whole week’s plans and wait for your availability schedule.
HE LIKES YOU NOT…
…When you decline an invitation to a Saturday night out, it wouldn’t bug him in the least because your sister already said YES…and you know she’s really more his type.
Call the cops!
"Is stalking an option?"
–Dreggy*, 33, Stockbroker
DIAGNOSIS: Will not leave you alone!
SYMPTOMS:
•He’ll befriend all your buds
•He’s got spies telling him your every move
•He starts a fan club in your honor
•He seems to be everywhere you are
•He sits outside your house every night, hoping to catch a glance of you from your bay window
•He texts you things like "I want to have your children…"
•He calls you at least 20 times a day
•He’s told your mother when your wedding day with him is
•He’s carved your initials onto his chest
HE LIKES YOU…
…You think?!
HE LIKES YOU NOT…
…You should be so blessed for a guy like this to like you not!!!
These are the signs of the dating times.
So guys do have a softer side to them. If they fancy you. In all honesty, these signs aren’t the least bit difficult to pick up on. Unless you go looking for something that really isn’t there.
If the stolen glance isn’t directed your way, don’t try and stay on its path. And if it is, make sure it’s not from some psychotic who’s ready to have you mummified so he can keep you to himself for all eternity. When you’re 100 percent sure he’s into you…the ball then lies in your court to reciprocate.
Just don’t go crying to your mother when all the sweetness fades years down the line. Sure, when the chase is on, the calls come in, the flowers are abundant, and the praises are innumerable and unmatched. Sadly, nobody ever promised you forever in that department. One can only hope…
And if all is lost, you can still always turn lesbian.
(*The names of these men/boys/cowards have been changed in order to protect their, um, manhood... we wouldn’t want them openly admitting all that mush and sacrificing all-out Machismo, now, would we?!)