'No formula, no timeline': Self-love in the time of grief and loss

MANILA, Philippines — The loss of a loved one is always a painful part of life. Each person deals with grief differently, said grief counselor, psychologist and book author Dr. Philson Manuel.

In a wellness talk that he gave recently at Aeternitas Chapels and Columbarium titled "Lingap: Self-care in the time of grief and loss,” he explained that with grief, there is no cookie-cutter approach, no timeline, and it could be complicated and overwhelming. “It is not a linear process, there is no formula. You can’t say that you will cry for 30 minutes and then you will be okay.” 

The hardest parts of grieving are felt during the first week of a loved one's passing away, he said. That's the time reality sinks in with the realization that you can no longer be with that person. The first year is also challenging because of events and milestones that can really make you miss the loved one. Imagine, birthdays, anniversaries, Christmas and New Year’s Day that you used to celebrate with that person.

Manuel added, “You can’t say, in two months okay na ako. For some clients, it takes five years before they can say they are okay. It will take as long as it takes.”

Manuel quotes Marvel character Vision who said, "‘What is grief, if not love persevering.’ 'Yung pagmamahal mo sa tao andun pa din, your love endures and that is why it hurts. Because wala na 'yung physical presence nu'ng tao.”  

Time to heal

Healing needs self-care, he explained. “You can start with the physical aspect, with simple things like getting out of bed, taking a bath and eating even if you don’t have an appetite. Exercise even if you don’t feel motivated to do it. Small acts of self-care are okay. This is also modelling behavior if you have children, because grief also affects them.”

Mental self-care means giving yourself permission to feel sad, and even to cry. “It is okay to miss a person. Minsan, maaalala mo because you are eating their favorite dish. Even a commercial can remind you of the loved one. That is fine. Give yourself some time and cry if you must. If you are feeling overwhelmed, seek help. Don’t isolate yourself, seek social support and acknowledge your feelings.”

As you move on in your stages of grief, Manuel advises creating new rituals to help you cope with the loss. “Maybe when you are eating in a restaurant that you used to go to, you can have an extra place setting for the departed member of the family. If you are traveling, you can tie a handkerchief of your loved one to your bag to symbolize that the relationship continues even if the person died.”

Other practices that could help in your healing journey is prayer and journaling. “Grieving can be difficult, but as you grieve that is a new chapter that is unfolding and you still have responsibilities and roles. Don’t be hard on yourself; be kind to yourself even,” he advised.

While the strong emotions connected with grieving needs to be addressed in a personal way, the support from the community is valuable in helping to process the experience of grief in order to move forward. “The grief process is mostly done alone but that doesn’t mean walang contribution ang communitv. The role of the community can be found in the Filipino values of pagdadamayan, pakikiramay and pakiki-isa," said Manuel.

Space for serenity

The loss of a loved one is a somber affair and while bereaved families are left to cope with the grief, there are also details that need to face for a fitting send-off for the Great Beyond. There's the challenge of ensuring that all the funeral details are made and guests at the wake are well-received.
 
The staff at Aeternitas Chapels and Columbarium aim to ease the mundane details of organizing a wake and burial or inurnment of a deceased loved one. Its brightly-lit space, garden-themed atrium and spacious chapels let bereaved families spend more quality time as they pay their respects to their deceased loved one.  
 
Named after the Greek goddess of Eternity, the game-changing structure has comfortable family rooms that come with basic homey amenities and offers a bespoke butler service that will take care of the tasks needed for a stress-free wake. The whole concept is designed by Aeternitas founder and chairman Orly Francisco to offer a feeling of peace and serenity and help the family focus on their fond remembrances of their loved one.

Aeternitas thoughtfully considered some concerns that may also come up during such a time for family members. There is a business center on the ground floor in case one needs to print, send an e-mail, or do other office tasks. In case one needs to make a quick meeting or need some quiet break, Café O on the same floor offers hot and cold coffee concoctions and delightful pastries.   

Meanwhile, on the upper floors of Aeternitas are the vault areas sunlit by large windows with a view of the Sierra Madre range.

Aeternitas Chapels and Columbarium is located at Commonwealth Avenue, Quezon City.

RELATED: Quezon City columbarium consoles bereaved with hotel-like amenities, service