When faced with the issue of a spouse's infidelity, is it better for one to save the marriage or to give up on it?

Robert Young Jr., San Juan: Better to kiss and make up. You will find that love could be lovelier the second time around.

Lydia Reyes, Bataan: I’d rather give up on it. What’s the use of being together in one roof when your partner is unfaithful? You’d only be fooling yourself.

Consider all the factors

Ishmael Calata, Parañaque City: It took me time to discern how to answer this question. I even gave a few moments of prayer to be able to answer. And so, I’d say that I would go for saving the marriage depending on various bases for an approach in that direction, such as deciding for the sake of young children whose future will be compromised by the difficulties of having a broken family. Every means should be exhausted before giving up on it, if in my judgment there is still a chance. If nil, have that marriage annulled.

Norman Villamayor, Mandaluyong City: In such a case, questions that the couple would have to face include: Would you rather save the marriage and have two people miserable for the rest of their lives or give up on it and be hopeful that one or both recovers from the mistake and live their life to the fullest?

Eddie Yap, Kabankalan City: One must think 10 times before making a hasty decision of giving up on his or her marriage due to a partner’s infidelity. A drastic decision may result in a lifetime of regret especially if there are children involved.  One must check every angle, every possible reason why the spouse became unloyal. It might be one’s own fault after all. See your pastor, a confidante and a good friend or a marriage counselor. It is probable that they might see the “crack” in your married life that you failed to see.

Sahlee Reyes, Las Piñas City: Realizing that your spouse has been unfaithful will hit like a ton of bricks. But to get beyond the hurt, one mustn’t rush into a decision. The best would be to do some reflection and see what issues need to be recognized and dealt with. A wife must know that men are polygamous by nature. Kahit nakakainis, we have to accept that. Then, the couple must seek counseling; don’t try to get through coping with the unfaithfulness alone. Infidelity could be a symptom of other problems in the marriage. Denial, anger, depression and acceptance are part of the grieving process and though it may be hard to let go and forgive, do it anyway. It takes time to go beyond the pain. Lastly, you may have all the love in your heart, but unless you know how to show it, it’s useless.

Save the marriage

Alexander Raquepo, Ilocos Sur: I am for saving the marriage. There are many ways of recovering, refreshing and rejuvenating a marriage for it to be saved, especially when you have kids. Among others, a marriage counselor, pastor or your parish priest, friends, parents, relatives can be consulted about it.

Gerry del Cano, Muntinlupa City: Save the marriage, even if we have seen irreparable damage caused by infidelity.

Esperanza Totañes, Parañaque City: Everything that’s worth saving should be saved; it’s as simple as that.

Fortunato Aguirre, Bulacan: Infidelity is a serious sin against the sacred matrimony but for the sake of the children, one must try to forgive provided the offender shows a sincere atonement.

Move on

J.R. Mondonedo Jr., Parañaque City: The problem with Filipinos is that they want to save the marriage and be martyrs to their spouses, which I believe is wrong. It is better to move on and start a new life and be happy instead of being miserable with someone. As the saying goes, marriage can be better the second time around. If you want to save the marriage, be a martyr and be unhappy. Or, you can leave the marriage and be free and happy.

Gerii Calupitan, Muntinlupa City: Anyone who has read Indecent Proposal yes, the book will know what infidelity can do to a fairy tale marriage. I remember that my ex-wife Jo was like the leading lady (read: wealthy, pretty, intelligent and horny). She had a one-night stand with a lesbian and we quarreled so badly that I had to leave Mommy-doo’s Falcon Crest at 2 am. We were both crying as I alighted from her car. “I am sorry, Jo, I love you. I always have. But this is where we part ways for good,” were my final words. The epilogue: In 1993, Jo fell from the sky, in her mom’s chauffeured car. My wife Julie was in Rambo mode. Happily, Jo became the ninang of both Ghisleen and Sheldon. Forgive and just move on.

Should we sacrifice pride and honor?

Joe Nacilla, Las Piñas City: Millions of Filipino breadwinners left family behind in search of the pot of gold abroad to extricate them from poverty in our country. The sad part is that many have found out that their spouses were cheating on them. Their children have turned to drugs and prostitution in their absence. Their lives become a living hell, with broken homes and tragedies. Will you still want to save your marriage at the sacrifice of pride and honor? In such a case, one should be sent to the Mandaluyong Mental Hospital.

Germi Sison, Cabanatuan City: The question is likened to “Who would you follow? Jesus Christ’s teachings, or your pride?” It is of course a no-win decision in human concept but as a Christian, we must bear our cross. Save the marriage with prayers, but also accept giving it up if that is the reality. Life with Christ must go on despite heartbreaks.

The marriage is already tainted

J-Dub Wenceslao, Imus, Cavite: Infidelity comes after boredom, restlessness, hate, greed, lust, money or lack of it, and insecurity. If it happens to me, I would painstakingly give up the marriage since I believe it was already tainted and trust has been terribly compromised. As for the kids, that’s where the hardest part comes along. You need to be firm as parents for them, no matter what.

C.B. Fundales, Bulacan: Infidelity destroys trust, which is a basic element of a union. Keeping a marriage without trust isn’t normal; hence it’s more risky than giving up.

It depends

Dennis Acop, Baguio City: One can only attempt to answer the question from the perspective of his own values. Some of the reasons that could still salvage a marriage or totally ruin it following infidelity are the following: First, if the infidelity was not painful enough, perhaps the injured spouse can still forgive and try to forget. Still, this is not easy and it depends on the capacity of the injured spouse to go on despite the obvious hurt. Second, a strong force for deciding to remain as a couple could be the children. Some couples, especially the injured spouse, may find in his or her trunk of values the strength to sacrifice personal interest for the sake of the children. I personally know couples who have gone this path following an infidelity. Third, I have also seen strong faith in God as a powerful factor towards reparation and managing to stay together. I think it is very interesting to note that during a major life crisis, those who have found a force beyond themselves to lean on have gone on to manage their situations better than those who merely relied on themselves to resolve their internal issues.

Leandro Tolentino, Batangas City: Like a thief in the night, infidelity is met by indiscretion and it would be up to the spouse confronted by it to balance the situation as it happens.

Nestor Buñag, Mandaluyong City: This one’s tricky as disposition is to each his own. Mine is to save if there are offspring and the union is bound by Holy Matrimony; otherwise it would be live and let live. After all, live-in partners don’t exchange vows.

When love is gone

Jess Carpena, Metro Manila: If trust and love is gone, there is no better way but to end your marriage.

Leave if the spouse continues cheating

Valerie Joyce Go, Tacloban City: It depends. If they have children, then reconcile and save the marriage, but if the spouse is given a second chance but still continues cheating, then leave because it’s hopeless.

Ricardo Tolentino, Laoag City: A spouse’s infidelity should be viewed in two perspectives. If the wrongdoer totally stops the infidelity for the sake of the family, save the marriage.

If there are kids, save the marriage

Ignacio Anacta, Metro Manila: Wise men have said that marriage is arranged in heaven but many couples are making it a living hell on earth! Infidelity is one major reason why a marriage becomes a living hell. If there are kids, couples should work seriously to save the marriage! It has been proven that when couples split, the kids are the innocent victims and many end up violent, feeling the “me against the world” syndrome. For those who are single, please be informed that marriage is a serious business, and carry with it a lot of responsibility. Therefore enjoy your single-blessedness!

Cris Rivera, Rizal: Save the marriage for the childrens future and reputation. Any differences are reconcilable. Only an ego-maniac thinks it can’t be done.  

R. Milan, Las Piñas City: The rule of thumb is always to save the marriage, especially when there are children involved. But it should not end with the spouses just reconciling. Dig deep and determine what is causing the infidelity of a spouse and find solutions to the problem. If and when proven that a spouse is just a habitual irresponsibly infidel, by all means give up the marriage. The unfaithful spouse is not yet ready for a monogamous relationship.

Romeo Caubat, Masbate: It’s better to save the marriage for the sake of the children’s welfare. Besides, the church and the state is for family or marriage solidarity.

The more practical thing to do

C.K. Yeo, Iloilo City: It’s best to reconcile and save the marriage. Foremost reason is economics. It cost a lot of money to get married, to have a family, to raise kids and it will be more costly if you have two families to support. Be practical.  

Renato Taylan, Ilocos Norte: If I’m the aggrieved party, it’s better for me to save the marriage as long as the infidel is still physically and financially stable.

Edwin Castillo, Tanauan City: You have don’t have to prolong the agony so why make your life miserable? Legal separation or divorce is the alternative.

When a woman’s love changes course

Josh Pacatang, Dipolog City: The man’s infidelity that happens once in a while out of boredom does not actually harm the marriage. However, a woman’s infidelity, out of love for the third party, is a big deal that will break the marriage. When a woman’s love changes course, the marriage has to go.

Felix Ramento, Manila: The trouble is when it’s the woman who goes awry; para sa mga lalaking Pinoy ito ay di katanggap-tanggap at parang katapusan na ng mundo.

Infidelity is a serious sin

Felmar Rowell Singco, Allen, Northern Samar: It is better to give up on it. Infidelity is a serious sin; in fact, the most grave sin after murder. For a spouse to continue the marriage after such infidelity is very hard. And studies show that those infidel spouses will most likely do it again. So, cutting the ties is, for me, the better solution when a spouse cheats and become unfaithful to marital vows.

Mario Tejada, Ilocos Norte: Infidelity of either of the spouses is the only reason for divorce or nullification of marriage allowed by God, according to the Bible. To save the marriage is like condoning the grievous sin of adultery committed by the spouse. Save the family, but not the marriage.

THINKING OUT LOUD

Jonathan Cheng, Manila: Instead of making us feel safe and secure, why do police officers make us feel more endangered and unprotected?

Ryan Pahimulin, Rizal: The PCGG recently recovered P10 billion worth of shares of stock and their P261 million dividends. Nice job, eh?

Ferdinand Rafer, Manila: Tarpaulin streamers hung in Makati say, “Jojo Binay, be our next president”. Is there a clamor for him to be president or is he just fooling himself?

William Gonzaga, Marikina City: Many of us Inboxers wonder where Ludwig Aguinaldo is. Will the Phil. Star be kind enough to delve into Ludwig’s status? We, his Inbox family, would like to know any news about the no. 1 texter of the 2007 Inbox promo. (For the information of Mr. Gonzaga and others who posted the same query, Mr. Ludwig Aguinaldo was kind enough to inform us almost a year ago that he has opted to stop texting Inbox after a number of co-texters questioned him about his religious beliefs. In light of this, we’d like to appeal to members of this popular column to keep their comments above board and to refrain from making personal attacks. Thank you. Ed.)

THE WAY I SEE IT

Rey Doroja, Antipolo City: I am not a text addict but I would support Cong. Suarez’s proposal to tax text if he and all congressmen would give up pork and live with dignity.

Francis-Santos Viola, Quezon City: All these big-name criminals going free makes me wish for a real-life Dirty Harry. At least he can serve justice in a more permanent fashion.

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