Bully stories
Bullying has been a constant subject in the news lately. There is our giant neighbor in the east who has been ominously “serenading” us with its own version of the classic Simon & Garfunkel hit Scarborough Fair (or should I say Scarborough Shoal). Except that they are not really interested in parsley, sage, rosemary, or thyme but rather in precious minerals, natural gas, petroleum, and oil. (One of the funniest jokes I’ve recently heard is how China is now expanding their ownership claims to include not just the rest of the Philippines but also Jessica Sanchez after hearing her sing on American Idol.) Then there was the so-called “Thrilla in NAIA” which apparently involved bullies bullying each other on the baggage carousel over cell phone photos and left luggage. Invariably, these stories reached my kids and they began to ask me questions which frankly left me speechless. First and foremost was the question of how should they react if they’re bullied? I managed to get away without giving them any serious answers by joking about it, but it did leave me pondering on what my kids should really do if they’re bullied.
If my children ever got picked on, my first impulse would probably be to tell them to strike back immediately (and secondly to challenge the other kids’ parents to a fight). And in our wrestling and mixed martial arts-infested entertainment landscape today, it’s probably an answer that many kids would understand and accept easily. But apart from it being immature, I also recall what a friend told me once when we were in high school on why he avoided fights like the plague. My friend was certainly neither a sissy nor was he by any means weak or small. He said that he avoided fights because he was too handsome! He explained that because he was too pretty, even if he managed to land a hundred punches on the other guy, it would take only one hit to his face for him to be on the losing end. I know my friend was only half-serious when he said that, but I think that it captured one reality that, as a parent today, sends shivers up my spine: It indeed could take just one freak blow to seriously hurt my children and/or to ruin their future. On the other hand, is it also right or realistic to tell our kids to just take the abuse? There are, of course, a lot of very good advice from psychologists and child experts out there. I want, however, to be able to give a more personal response to my kids. And so, I look back at my own childhood and try to recall how I dealt with bullying then. I think that every child encounters some amount of bullying at one time or another and I was no exception. Fortunately, however, I seemed to have been able to get by reasonably well by using the following (anti) bully tactics.
• Talk your way out of trouble. Adults call it diplomacy, but in the end it is about letting your tongue and not your fists get you out of a jam. When I was in second grade, I remember somehow convincing one of the toughest boys in our class that I was a black belt in karate but was sworn to secrecy by my master. And so while he pestered the other boys, he left me alone. Once, he even muttered to me that it was unfair that I knew martial arts. Thinking about it now, I don’t know how he believed such a ridiculous story. I think it helped that I tried to make friends with everyone in a low-key manner. I noticed that the first ones that the bullies targeted were those who were perceived to be KSP (Kulang Sa Pansin) or OA (Overacting). Behaving in a subdued manner made me a lesser target. It also made me credible enough so that even the bullies listened to what I said.
• Don’t show fear to bullies. Sometime in fifth grade, some boys approached me and said that although they thought I was okay, they saw a need to toughen me up. As was the practice then when challenging someone to a fight, they took me to the washroom. There were three of them, but I think only one of them was up to it. The two others were really just kibitzers. I instinctively knew this and so I just stoically stood there and stared at him. After a while, they just smiled and let me go. When their leader didn’t see me beg, cry, or show fear, I guess that he figured it wasn’t fun anymore and that I might even fight back. When I got home that day, I did cry but in the privacy of my room. They never bothered me again.
• If you really have to fight, do it inside the ring. The one and only time I ever got into a fight was in my final year in grade school. I didn’t have any choice as the bully tried to scrub my face with silkscreen film (he did similar things to other boys). It lasted for only a few seconds and I acquitted myself quite well. But since he also got a few licks of his own, his reputation was still intact. And with his blood lust somewhat sated, he never also bothered me again. Had the fight gone on longer, however, I may not have been so lucky. Fortunately, there was a teacher nearby who quickly broke things up.
If our kids have no other way out but to make a stand, then I think that we should tell them to try to control the environment so that the stakes don’t get too high. Better yet, try to change the game and funnel the aggression into something that is not violent. Instead of a fistfight, for example, challenge the bully to a no-holds-barred one-on-one game of basketball instead.
How about you? What are your bully stories and how do you want your kids to cope with bullying?
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Please e-mail your reactions to kindergartendad@yahoo.com.
