Friend to the end?

Dear Marc,

Five months ago I decided to let go of my dearest friend in college ’cause I felt like she didn’t need me anymore. You see, she has a new best friend and I can see how she really cares about her...and it hurts me deeply. I tried to befriend her new best friend and we even became close (as they say, if you can’t beat ’em, join ’em). But in the end, I got tired of my role, and I let her go. I deleted her number from my phonebook, I changed my SIM card... I just wanted to forget everything! I feel so sorry for myself but I had to do it. I just want my friend to be happyYou think I did the right thing? I miss her sooo much! Waaahhhh!!! Please help me. — Cher

Now by saying that this girl was your best friend in college, I assume that you are probably in your 20s by now. If you don’t mind my saying so, don’t you think you’re acting just a little bit immature? The days of ditching friends completely for no apparent reason should have gone out around the same time as your Barbie dolls.

OK, so you’re not as close to her as you used to be, and that’s a shame, but it’s also a part of life that we meet new people and sometimes don’t see old friends as often as we’d like. Remember that best friend you had in grade school? When was the last time you saw her? Didn’t you in fact lose touch with a lot of them when you went to college and met this new "best friend" that you are mourning now?

This doesn’t make you or them necessarily bad people; it’s just a matter of new environments. When you were in grade school, you saw the same people all the time, and formed bonds and friendships due to being thrown together every day. You found those that you got along the most with, and explored each other’s personalities and lives until you preferred their company over others at school. They became your best friends.

School eventually ends, and you swear loyalty to your friends even if you go to different colleges, etc. In college, however, you are surrounded by a different environment and new people. You unconsciously start the process of making new friends all over again. Maybe chatting with the person next to you or meeting people through old school friends. This doesn’t mean you’ve forgotten those old friends from school, but you don’t see them as often and you feel the need to make new friends in this new place and time of your life.

Now that you remember all of this, maybe you can begin to understand why your friend, having left college, has met a new friend. This doesn’t mean that she has forgotten you — it’s just that in her new workplace surroundings, she has met another person that she sees more often and can relate to in this new environment. It’s good that you made friends with this new friend of hers, and became close, but don’t hold a grudge against your friend for spending more time with her. I’m sure she still values your friendship, in the same way you still value the friendship of old friends from grade school even if you don’t see each other very often.

My suggestion is to remain her good friend and try and see each other when you can. Don’t get jealous of her new friend in the same way you shouldn’t be jealous of an ex-boyfriend’s new girlfriend. Instead, move on with your life and meet new people. If your friendship is as strong as you think it is, then it will eventually stand the test of time. In the meantime, take separate paths but don’t go deleting numbers and severing all contact. Your friendship is worth a lot more than a petty and childish ditching like that. — Marc

* * * Impeachment Trials

Dear Marc,

It’s so nice for you to have your own advice column in Young Star. I hope you can help me with this problem (though it’s not that big!).

I’m a third year high school student, and a high officer of our student council (treasurer). Our president, a senior who has been a close friend of mine for some time, is facing difficulties in his presidency. Our principal sees him as irresponsible and incompetent; though he doesn’t know about it, he’s facing a petition for impeachment, and I’m a top contender for his replacement (since the vice president is a CAT officer, he cannot assume the presidency). One more blow and he’s out.

My problem is, out of respect, I want him to finish his one-year term, which will expire by August next school year. How should I break the news to him? And if he were indeed impeached, would I assume the presidency?

Hope you could help me here. This really boggles my mind.

Thanks and more power. — Penca

So what kind of difficulties is your friend facing? Do you think the principal is correct in thinking of him as irresponsible and incompetent? If he’s a bit of a lazy slacker and you don’t think he can do the job, then maybe the impeachment is valid. However, if there are serious problems that he has had to face, and he has dealt with them as best he could, then maybe he just needs to be cut a little bit of slack and given another chance.

The best thing you can do as his friend is to approach him and tell him about the impending impeachment. Broach the subject as a friend, not a school officer, and discuss his thoughts and feelings on the issue. If he doesn’t seem to care that much about it, then maybe you can ask if he wants to stay on as president. If he doesn’t, then tell him your position as a possible replacement candidate.

What’s very important is to make it clear that you support him in whichever decision he makes, and that you’re not trying to convince him to step down so that you can take his place. Otherwise he may think you are trying to push him out of the way to further your own goals, which is a fast way to lose a good friend.

If he wants to keep his position and take things seriously, then it should be your duty as a fellow officer, and more importantly, as a supportive friend, to do what you can to help him. Maybe give him some advice on how he can improve his presidency, or just act as a sounding board for his ideas. Try and keep him on track with what he needs to do, and perhaps even have a word with your principal and explain his side of the situation.

If you discuss both of these options with him, then I think he can make the decision for you. Either he knuckles down, and with your help and support becomes a better president, or else he might gracefully step down, and nominate you as a candidate to replace him. Show him your intention of friendship and support, and if he’s as true a friend as you are, then he should do the same in return. — Marc

* * * A Four Letter Word That Starts With L

Hi Marc,

I am one of your avid readers. I always make it a point to read your column every Friday. I hope you can help me with my problem. How do you know if you are really falling in love with a girl? I saw this girl at school, and since then I haven’t been able to get her off my mind. I think of her 24/7. I can’t even sleep. Am I in love with her? Please answer my question. And just for your additional information, I’m already 21.

Thanks. God bless. — Jessey

Jessey, they say that love is a four-letter word. What you’re suffering from is another four-letter word that is often confused with love. It’s called lust.

Don’t worry, I’m not accusing you of a slobbering sex-driven lust (although there is always that possibility... but you’re not that kind of guy, I hope), but rather an infatuation-type lust. Kind of like the crushes we used to have on our friend’s older sister when we hit puberty (apologies go out to my old friends with the hot sisters).

"But no! This is different!" I hear you exclaim. Are you so sure? Think about it for a moment. You see this girl around school, but you don’t really know her, now do you? What you’re attracted to are her looks, and possibly the way she appears to interact with others. However, just because she’s cute and friendly doesn’t mean she’s your soul mate.

So why is she always in your every waking thought (and probably the occasional censored sleeping thoughts too)? To be honest, I’m not entirely sure why Cupid belts us over the head with a quiver full of arrows from time to time like this. Perhaps it just comes at a time when we feel the need for companionship, and so, lacking any suitable candidate that fits the looks/personality bill among our roster of friends, we look for a muse to put on a pedestal.

See a girl that looks like the woman of your dreams, and then in your mind you can make her just that. You can imagine how wonderful it would be to be together, she would understand you, have the same sense of humor, get along great with your friends and family...

Hate to burst the bubble at this point, but reality needs to bite in. Sure, it’s possible that she is all of this. What is also likely though is that she has her own faults and flaws, possibly has a completely different sense of humor and hates your friends but falls in love with your sister.

OK, so maybe that’s a bit extreme, but what I’m trying to get at is that you should try and get to know someone before you even begin to think about "loving" them. If you want to admire from afar, that’s fine, but you have to realize that people are often a lot different in person. Sometimes the ones that look only OK from afar are the real treasures up close. — Marc

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