The ‘Man Hi’

I always think I’ve seen the entire range of “man tics” when men greet each other in person, and yet I find endless variations on the garden variety “hi.” So I am on constant lookout, anticipating I’ll be entertained by the latest variety of one-word, two-letter man “hi”s. And just as often, men never fail to deliver. 

I grew up very close to a father and two brothers who are athletes, so we were surrounded by teammates most of the time. The sporting culture breeds a special kind of camaraderie — a brotherhood if you will, among people put in situations where failure to cover each other’s backs leads to loss. It is a culture that short-circuits the usually lengthy getting-to-know-you process and forges a tight family out of strangers. You’ve got people involuntarily sweating and spitting on each other and literally knowing the smell of each other’s stink because of being in close proximity all the time whether on court, in the field, or in the lockers. So after a certain sporting season break, when the men come together again you can tell how much they really missed each other by how elaborate or absurd their greetings are. 

I’ve seen this “dance,” which can look like two ninjas circling. Men who spot each other from afar slowly approach and then stop as soon as they come within striking distance. They then cross-step sideways away from each other in a circle as though prepping for a fight, right leg over left leg, until — well — they get tired of it and jump each other for a bear hug and say, “Kumusta, pare?” The first time I saw it, I truly believed the men were poised for a brawl — some grudge fight between two martial artists, what with the ninja dance steps and all. But as it happened, it was simply two besties showing how much they had missed each other.

 A variation of this is what I call “shadow boxing” — two men intently miming a boxing match, complete with sound effects. It is quite entertaining but it does get old fast because it stretches on too long. I suspect this happens because no one wants to “lose,” so it becomes a Mexican standoff.

 I have also seen on more than one occasion the “rock band” battle. I guess it’s the greeting of choice for the musically inclined. Two men in Fully Booked bookstore passed each other in the fiction section and, after several grunts of surprise, they both assumed guitarist stances and then proceeded to play air guitar with the requisite head banging for probably a minute before giving each other a man hug and a “long time no play, pare.”

 My brothers’ greeting of choice is a string of expletives, curses and insults about the just-seen friend’s prominent physical attributes such as uling because golfing has given him a permanent tan; kalbo if his hair is thinning or hairline is receding; bano to those who are especially gifted athletes and leaders in their field; komang to one childhood friend who had broken his arm while on a bike accident they figured in together as little boys and many more unprintable “pet” (literally) names. Cruel? You should hear what they spew at my brothers — even Steven.

 I do enjoy these man quirks, having grown up with them, but there are a few moves I can’t take. One is the nipple twist, something I detest simply because it has got to hurt (too barbaric). Full-on floor wrestling is another one I wish they wouldn’t do because bones may break, especially at this age. The one I detest most is a move I saw at a hotel lobby, believe it or not, between two men in suits — wedding guests I presumed because they walked into a wedding reception after the dastardly deed. They did full-on humping (heavens!) for all to see. They’re not animals — or maybe they are — but they should reserve such amorous displays for the frat houses.

I’ve been told that women get annoying too: we get all giggly and loud when we bump into each other after a long absence. Yes, the voice decibels elevate and — yes — they sort of get screechy, and there are a dozen air kisses blown and endless hugs and genuine cries of affection: “I’ve missed you so much!” and a sprinkling of white lies: “You look great,” or “You haven’t aged,” or “What a gorgeous handbag” or “You lost weight; did you have lipo?” And I agree: we get annoying, but not vulgar and improper, and most importantly, not utterly pointless. We don’t ninja dance or shadow box — ever.

Why do men like to make themselves look stupid doing these things? I suspect it’s because they’re not prone to honest emotional displays of affection, as women are wont to be — something that comes naturally and comfortably to us. Their elaborate exchange of greetings must come from many things shared over the years and from real affection. The whole spectrum of dances and mimes must be replacements for words and other verbal cues — un-macho displays, all. After seeing many such moves over the years, I think that the more elaborate the greeting, the greater the fondness between men. So much so that the ordinary handshake seems to be reserved for the newly acquainted.

But why not the simple man hug between close friends instead of those Indian war dances or what seem like seizures? If a man hug is not enough, how about adding two back slaps to make it manlier? Still not enough? According to collegehumor.com here are 10 other ways to greet another guy:

 1. The Half-Hug, With Back Pat:

Technique: Start with the classic handshake, and then twist the hand into the thumb-around shake. Quickly pull the other guy closer to you and reach around him. Pat firmly on his back, as if he’s choking on steak. Make sure to lower your shoulder and use it as a blocker- this prevents any actual or full hug. Cool Rating: 4/5 Handshakes. Appropriate With: Friends, cousins or brothers. Never Use: With your boss.



2. The Full Hug


Technique: Keeping your head as far away from the other man’s head as possible, grab and embrace. Remember to pat the back and let go immediately to increase the image of heterosexuality (if that’s your preference). Never Use: With your professor, your tennis instructor or the tow truck guy. Cool Rating: 1/5 Handshakes. Appropriate With: Dad, grandpa or a member of the rescue team at the end of your episode of I Shouldn’t Be Alive. 



3. The Kiss


Technique: Wince and air kiss at least one foot away from this freakish European. Talk yourself down by explaining that you had to do it to respect his culture. If he turns out to be from New Jersey, take an immediate Silkwood (the movie) shower. Never Use: That’s right, never use. 

Cool Rating: 0/5 Handshakes. Appropriate With: A Russian diplomat. 



4. Fists


Technique: Without smiling, extend your fist forward. If receiving, punch the other fist firmly. Never make an “ouch” face. Never Use: With the author of this article. 
Cool Rating: 5/5 Handshakes. Appropriate With: Any other cool friends, professional athletes (if you yourself are a professional athlete. If not, back off, stalker)
.

5. The Point


Technique: Extend pointer finger at your friend of choice. Aim towards his chest, not the head. A smile is acceptable, but not a laugh. Nod gently.
 Never Use: Never use on a friend with a hairlip, facial deformity or Rocky Dennis’ disease. Also Never Use: If your name is Chad. Too predictable. Cool Rating: 3.5/5 Handshakes. Appropriate With: Any friend who is farther than 10 feet away and you are too lazy to actually walk over to. 

 


6. The Classic Shake


Technique: If you know how to read and still haven’t learned how to shake hands, you might be lamer than me. 
Never Use: After sex. Cool Rating: 1/5 Handshakes. Appropriate With: A business associate or someone you just met. 



7. The High-Five


Technique: Put your hand up. Got it? If you are tall and want to rub it in the face of your short friend, put your hand up as high as you can. Never jump, unless you are on the 49ers. Never Use: In front of anyone who might miss the tongue-in-cheek value of this classic ‘80s move. Cool Rating: 3/5 Handshakes. Appropriate With: Anyone who has just scored a touchdown. 



 8. The Shake Variation (Twists & Turns)

Technique: After an initial classic shake, contort your hand to your liking. Never pull away with a snap. Never Use: On someone with Carpal Tunnel. Cool Rating: 2/5 Handshakes. Appropriate With: The guy who is not quite a friend but more than an acquaintance. 



9. The Hang-Loose Sign


Technique: Extend thumb and pinky and rotate wrist. Look stoned. Never Use: After 1982. 
Cool Rating: 0/5 Handshakes. Appropriate With: Spicoli 
of Fast Times at Ridgemont High.

10. The Enos


Technique: Made famous by Deputy Enos Strate of Dukes of Hazzard, circa 1980. When someone extends a “’slap-me-five’ hand, slap down a thumbs-up. Keep an idiotic smile plastered on your face and stay oblivious to your retardation. Never Use: Outside of Hazzard County.  Cool Rating: 0/5 Handshakes.  Appropriate With: Cotter Davenport, Roscoe P. Coltrane, Boss Hogg, Jimmy Carter. 


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Thank you for your letters. You may reach me at cecilelilles@yahoo.com.