15 steps to a beach body

I do not spend much time with Vanity. I live in a house with no mirrors. In lieu of a comb, I wear a hat. My clothes always match —black shirt, dark pants. Sometimes white shirt, darker pants. Flip-flops.

I’m old. I have been “out of the hunt” for so long, I don’t even know what I am looking for. I stopped caring about what is in fashion. I no longer feel the pressure of women’s eyes on me. As much as I may imagine what is beneath that skirt, I am beyond any efforts to actually try to get in there. Too old. Too lazy. Can’t be bothered. I am what I am and I do what I do.

Imagine my surprise when a fiery sprite in her late 30s commented that she wanted to ravage my calves. I looked down at my calves. I wondered if she was talking about cooking baby cows.

“These? Yes, I see what you mean, they are indeed in fine shape.  No, madam, I do not work out.”

I am just one of those people. I have a full-fledged gym on the floor just below where I live. Never been in it. Am I in shape? Probably not, but I feel great. And women want to sleep with my calves.

Shall I tell you about my good friend who got in a swimsuit and an evening gown and was crowned Mrs. Universe 2012? She hadn’t done a single squat or sit-up in years. She hadn’t been in a gym either.

How do we do this? Well, we have secrets. In the spirit of summer, I will share.

You see, this is the time of the year when Vanity comes seeping out from under the skins of even my least self-conscious friends.  My good friend Alvin puts it simply: “This is the only time of the year when shirts come off in public places. I may be one of those shirtless people, so I want to look good when that happens.”

So right around late February, he and my other pot-bellied friends start using gym cards. They dust off the bike and running shoes.  One month and change to get into Shirtless Shape.

Not me. Sure, when my shirt comes off, the panties stay on (on the ladies, I meant, not me). But I feel all the confidence from the sculpting of my daily workout: a regimen I built from years and years of shameless daydreaming and laziness.

Join me — you still have time — and you can work yourself out into Shirtless Summer Confidence:

1. The Pillow Press

As you first gain consciousness in the morning, take that pillow from between your legs — one hand gripping each end. Now place it squarely on your face. Cool and refreshing, isn’t it? In a moment, you are going to snooze, but first, adjust that pillow on your face.  While lying on your back, lift it up over your face until your arms are all-the-way stretched out above you. Exhale as you do so.

Now, since you are in a dreamy snoozing mood, fantasize. Imagine that the pillow is the heaviest block of cotton in recorded history.  Cleopatra is sitting on it right now. She must not fall! Imagine that it takes all of your Herculean strength to lift it. Now, slowly, with your arms shaking from the effort, inhale and slowly lower the pillow. Smell the sweet perfume of Cleopatra’s backside on your face. You will then exhale and shiver from the exertion as you lift it up again. Cleopatra waves to the crowd. Ten repetitions, maybe 12, then you can curl up and snooze. Dream of your own huge biceps and rippling chest. And of an Egyptian Diva sharing your bed.

2. The Leg Crane

Hear that? That’s the snooze alarm going off, it really must be time to get up. But wait, don’t get up yet!  Stretch! While on your back, stretch your legs as far from your torso as possible. It helps if you imagine that this actually makes you taller. Visualize the people at work marvelling at your taller self!

“Hey, you look taller today!”

“I do?”

“Yes, you do, are you wearing heels?”

“No, silly, it’s just my secret exercise regimen!”

Now without bending your knees, lift both legs until they are at a 45-degree angle. Your legs are cranes lifting 20 tons of metal beams. The workers must have time to unload the metal beams safely! Hold your leg-crane at that position and count to 50. (If you cannot count to 50, you are not yet fully awake, and you must snooze some more.) Lower your legs slowly. Can you do it again?  Sure, why not? Counting to 50 is fun — especially if you pretend you are counting the thousand-peso bills you hid in your underwear so that your wife would not find it. Smile as you do this. Oh, and feel the burn. Visualize the fat in your stomach fleeing from the burn!

Now you can get up. No, wait, you will not get up. Rather, you will roll off your bed and onto the floor. The ceiling is crashing down onto your bed! Roll like Indiana Jones and escape your doom!

3. Push-ups (yawn)

Ah, the floor. While here, you will embrace the wonderful world of push-ups. Pretend you are Richard Gere in An Officer and a Gentleman. You don’t want to get up. You want to stay on this cold floor and snooze. But you have to go to work. Why? Because — and say this out loud while crying: “I got nowhere else to go!” Now give us some push-ups! Fifteen should do it, but four will be fine.

4. Planking Like a Champ

Done? Not quite. Now you will embrace the even more wonderful world of planking — or, as I like to put it, “Not Doing Push-Ups Like a Champ.”

To properly “plank” all you have to do is to get into the starting position for push-ups. Get ready — are you ready? Now don’t do anything. What? That’s right, just stay there! Think of it as a big “F.U.” to push-ups. It looks like you are going to do it, but then you just don’t! You just hold that position for a minute — or until your core muscles are burning so much you think you might be having an orgasm. Except you are not having an orgasm, you are just experiencing the elation of not exercising in order to exercise.  Your mind is blown.

Collapse face-first onto the floor, then roll to your side and pretend you are a mermaid. Do it! Prop yourself up on your elbow and lift your torso off the floor so that your entire body is once again a straight “plank” from head to toe. Except you do not have toes, you have fins! This is “Side Planking,” and it is sheer lazy genius!  No wonder mermaids have such flat stomachs. Ever seen a mermaid with a pot belly? You haven’t.

5. Shower Squats

Wait, aren’t mermaids wet? Okay, you are off to the shower. As you stand there naked, notice your rear end and say to yourself “I KNOW this can be rounder!”

So you drop the soap, but you do not bend over to pick it up — NO! That would be too weird and vulnerable. Instead, you plant your feet firmly on the wet slippery tiles and squat to pick up the soap.  Exhale slowly as you straighten up, holding the soap high above your head like a trophy while saying “I got it! I got it!”  Then let it fall out of your hands again. Ten to 20 times should do it.  Sometimes the soap bounces off so you have to do lunges to reach it. This is all good.

By this time, your bar of soap should have a very interesting shape from the 10 to 20 dings on its edges from crashing onto the bathroom tiles. Think about taking a picture of this for Instagram.  Maybe later.

6. Telekinetic Tummy Tuck (TTT) while Toothbrushing

Now you must put on a pair of pants and brush your teeth. As you do so, imagine that you are a statue. The only living part of you is your toothbrushing arm and your mouth. Everything else must be perfectly statue still. As you do this, imagine the folds on your belly. Visualize them pouring over your belt like a sundae cone or a muffin. Now, use the sheer force of your will to take every fold and muffin top and tuck all of it back into your belt. You will feel your stomach flatten and your abs burning under all that fat. You will also feel the toothpaste start to foam and ooze out the side of your mouth.  Spit.

7. Walk Like a New Yorkah

Fully dressed, you walk down and out to the street — briskly. You walk everywhere — briskly. Pretend you are in New York. You are a New Yorker! You power walk everywhere! You also skip breakfast because you are running late. That’s what you get for snoozing and taking forever to get out of bed. You also spent like an hour in the shower, but worry not, because we are walking ever so briskly. We will not be late.

We will take a cab. In the cab, as you sit, you once again feel the muffin tops popping out over your belt. They must be stopped.  You are in transit, you have nothing else to do, so you might as well do this: using only your stomach muscles and the power of your imagination, you will once again command every last fold back into your belt.

8. The TTT at Work

At work, as you sit on your desk, you will do this yet again. In fact, the TTT is the exercise you will do most often — every time you are sitting and idle, you will do it. Sure, when no one is looking, you might do some more planking or soap squatting, but you are generally not risking that. The TTT is subtle, and no one can see you doing it. Stick with it. Don’t risk the memo.

9. One-Legged Queuing

At lunch, as you are queued to pay for your meal, stand on one leg.  Pretend you are Ozzy Lusth and you are on the TV show Survivor.  The challenge is for individual immunity, and you must stand on one leg for as long as you can. Balance. Focus! Feel the burn in your calves. Feel your entire core.

Feel everyone’s eyes on you. Hear the lunch lady say, “Excuse me, can I help you?” for the 11th time. Feel her eyes on you.

Smile, she wants you. She wants to make love to your calves.

Trust me. I am not part of the buff-and-ripped population, but I feel great, and these are my secrets. Do these every day, and you too will feel great.

But wait, there’s more! Ready to level up? Try these TTT combos: every time you sit idly and telekinetically tuck your tummy into your belt, you will visualize a few more things. As you stretch your core muscles, you will now stretch your imagination.

10. The Self-Esteem Stretch

Imagine you have perfect self-esteem. You have the ability to not care about peoples’ opinions because you are very happy with yourself. Can you imagine this? This is the true source of Shirtless Summer Confidence.

11. Sweet Home Diet

Imagine that you love where you live. Every day you wake up and you love the view. You step out to go to work and you love your neighborhood — the accessibility, the location, the nearby places to eat. You love coming home — it waits for you, secure, clean, comfy.

12. The Ultimate Stretch

Imagine that you love your job. Maybe you never bring it home, but you love it when you are there. You are good at it, and you have a ball with your co-workers. They are funny, they are interesting, and you like the pay.

13. You Are Hobby Man!

Imagine that you have hobbies — stamps, video games, sports, pretending to be a 19-year-old female on online dating sites — whatever floats your leisurely boat. Imagine you are never bored; that there is never a moment when you are sitting at home and wracking your brain trying to figure out what you want to do.  There is always something fun for you to do.

14. The Company Policy

Imagine that you enjoy the company of your friends, and they do yours. Even when there is no activity and you are just sitting on the couch like a trio of Homer Simpsons. Not for what you talk about, and not for what you do together. You just enjoy each others’ company, simple and pure. Imagine you finally understand the true meaning of “Hanging Out.”

15. Rinse and Repeat

You will do this until you believe it. All of it. In so doing, you may forget some of the earlier exercises, but that’s okay. Your abs will disappear, but your smile will not.

The Super Secret Law of Buddha at the Beach: Happy people can always take off their shirts.

It just works out that way for me, and I know it will for you. Now go and enjoy the confidence of a Shirtless Summer. Enjoy it all year round.