This year, do this

By this time, most people have issued their New Year’s resolutions — or NYRs for short. My intelligent guess is that a majority of the NYRs involve getting in shape, specifically, losing weight.

Lose 30 pounds, get a gym membership, actually go. Those that do not fall under that category will invariably have something to do with quitting things. Donuts, cigarettes, softdrinks, casual sex. 

And the last line of NYRs will involve the creation of new activities. Some of them because they are things we’ve been meaning to do, and some of them just to change things up and live a little more.

Call Mom, learn to surf, write more blog entries, take more pictures, be more spontaneous.

So perhaps it is safe to say that most NYRs revolve around THIS: a cessation of certain habits for the sake of better health so that we can finally do the things we dream of doing. All so we can feel better about ourselves at the end of the year and say, “Hey, Present-Me, look at Past-Me, compared to your impeccable polish, he is a bone-swinging Neanderthal!”

Fit into my favorite pair of jeans like it was 1991, rediscover my abs, get on TV, quadruple the likes on my Facebook page.

The Super Secret Law of The Serial Goal-Setter: “Having a goal is mandatory, reaching it is optional.”

This is what makes NYRs so much fun, isn’t it? It’s just more fun to dream than to actually do. To plan trips and not actually go. To lust after someone and not actually have to deal with their daddy-issues. (Louis CK said it best when he spoke about why he would rather stare at your girlfriend than be her boyfriend, but I cannot write his exact words here.)

Hey, here’s a common script: Person A declares the NYR, I wait a week or two, and then I ask about it.

The winner for most-common response goes to:  “I was able to do it for a while, and then (insert any challenge here) happened.”

Never surprising, but always fascinating. This is a big part of the NYR’s intense enthusiasm and optimism that I enjoy. Especially once it has gotten to the part where Steely Resolve has dissipated into inevitable Shoulder-Shrugging Failure.

NYR TIP NO. 1: WILL, NOT WON’T. Do not resolve to not do something anymore.

You see how confusing that sentence can be? My Dad used to say this: “Close your eyes and DO NOT THINK OF A PINK ELEPHANT. Go. Now open your eyes. What were you thinking of?”

My recommended first step is to think of things you WANT to do, and rephrase any “I will not” thoughts in your head. You cannot sit there and “not do” something. Once you realize that the only reason you are not doing something is because you are doing something else, you will intrinsically understand that for every one thing you are actually doing, there are a ton of things you are successfully “not doing.”

“I will not drink soft drinks” becomes “I will only drink non-carbonated drinks.” Avoiding simply takes more energy than just plain doing. “I will not feel angry” becomes “I will smile when I feel angry.” This year, make a habit of saying “Look what I did!” instead of “Look what I didn’t do,” because it just makes more sense. Nobody can see what you did not do.

NYR TIP NO. 2: SPECIFIC, NOT SWEEPING. Have a clue about what you are going to do. I really don’t mind if you start the year telling yourself that you are going to travel all over the world.  What I do mind is that when I ask you what specifically you had in mind, you tell me “I dunno, I’m just gonna do it.”

I recommend you take that extra step beyond blind optimism and figure out something that can be done (almost) as easily as you can say it. Something specific. Something small. Something you know you can do.  Pick a starting point. “I am going to travel all over the world” becomes “I will set aside 15 percent of my income monthly to build a travel fund.”

NYR TIP NO. 3: MEASURABLE, NOT DISPUTABLE. If you know what you mean, you will know when it is happening.

This is the immediate benefit of being specific with your intentions: you always know exactly what you are talking about. If 15 percent of your monthly income is a thousand bucks, and you deposit 900 into your travel fund, then you fell short. If you specifically say you will only drink plain water, and you drink a glass of juice, nobody has to stand there and humor you while you say, “No, it’s all right, because juice is mostly water!”

“I am going to lose weight.” How much weight?

“I am going to lose 30 pounds.” By when?

“I am going to lose 30 pounds by March 1.” Well, you could just catch the flu or lose your legs in a car accident…

“I am going to lose 30 pounds by March 1 through dieting.” So, like, you’re just not gonna eat?

“I am going to lose 30 pounds by March 1 by not eating meat and not eating at fastfood joints, and, uh, not drinking soda, and no potato chips and junk food, and stuff like that.” So, what are you going to eat?

“I am going to lose weight” becomes “My meals will only consist of water, fruits, vegetables, and grain until March 1.”

Now THIS is a commitment!

NYR TIP NO. 4: ACTIONS, NOT RESULTS. Results are only the potential consequences of your actions.

We all like to think we are “masters of our domain” — that we are judged by our results, and that we make things happen — but the truth is we have far less control than we think. Think a little harder and figure out which part of your life is really in your DIRECT CONTROL, and just focus on THIS.

Losing weight is not under our direct control, but choosing what we eat is! Getting a promotion is not under our direct control, but showing up for work every single day 15 minutes early is! 

Winning the lottery is not under our direct control, but buying a thousand tickets a week is.

“I will finally bang that hot barista I work with” becomes “I will ask her out every day.”  

I’m not saying this won’t creep her out, but hey, THIS is ACTION. It is positively phrased, measurable, simple, specific, and will definitely get her attention.

NYR TIP NO. 5: REAL, NOT WISHFUL. Sometimes simple is not enough.

In the comic strip Calvin & Hobbes, Calvin wishes for a million dollars and Hobbes wishes for a sandwich. Calvin laughs at Hobbes and his stupid little wish. At the end of the day, guess who gets his wish?

This thing you are resolving to do: Can it realistically happen? “I will do 300 pushups” is a simple statement, but most people can’t even count from one to 300 anymore. What you are more likely to end up doing is “approximately 300 pushups” — which will actually be about 39.

“I will try something new every day” is another sexy sentence that makes you sound like a Renaissance Man, but seriously, are you really that creative? Do you live in a melting pot of infinite cultures? 

SOMETHING NEW EVERY DAY?!? You’ll be out of ideas in two weeks. Sometimes it helps to put an end in sight or some kind of reasonable timeframe if you need to keep your NYR real.  In the case of weight loss-related resolutions, give yourself some time to execute your weight loss-inducing action, but don’t give yourself all year either. 

If you haven’t done anything all in a month, then you are probably not that keen on doing it at all.

NYR TIP NO. 6: LOVE, NOT GUILT. No matter what the resolution is, make it something that you really want to do.

Guilt-driven resolutions are designed to stop us from doing things: challenging ourselves to resist temptation rather that pushing ourselves to do more of the things we love.

Guilting yourself into a resolution makes me think of all the men who guilt themselves out of cheating on their girlfriends. It is simply the wrong mindset.

“I won’t cheat on my girl” is improperly phrased, unspecific and unproductive. Instead, resolve to love your mate with all your passion and energy. And if you find that you can’t do it, take a good look inside and realize that she ain’t the one.

Choose the resolution that you actually care about. Something exciting that you feel is actually going to move you forward and turn you into the person you are really trying to become.

“I resolve to give Tagalog movies a chance” becomes “I will brush my teeth twice a day.”

Yep, that last one is the one I am going with this year. Wish me luck and a steely resolve, then ask me about it in a couple of weeks.