The bland leading the bland

There’s no business like show business — but when it comes to actual winners, we may forget who actually won in these awards shows. The water-cooler gossip is all about who wore what.

Sadly, though the show itself failed to excite with Neil Patrick Harris at the helm (unfunny, off-color jokes about Thai sex workers, song numbers not by NPH — what were they thinking?!), even the red carpet seemed to be a bland landscape of tulle. This is the Emmys! Where TV stars come to celebrate and movie stars come to slum. Where are the crazy gowns and see-through dresses? (We see what you did there, Julianne Hough.)

We like our red carpets rare, please — juicy and a little bit bloody. This crop of celebs were so tame and well-done, it’s all a little bland.

Heidi Klum

CELINE: I don’t know whether this is bad or good. So when in doubt, it’s bad.

BEA: I like her take on RoboCop’s mom. Very now. (FYI: The RoboCop reboot is slated for release early next year. I know Millennials reading this will be like, “Robo-whut?!” which makes me hate life.)

Paula Abdul

C: I am so sure she was wasted to wear this monstrosity.

B: Plot twist! Paula is RoboCop.

Lena Dunham

C: Why? Is there someone else under her skirt?

B: Prada? Pra-don’t.

Connie Britton

C: It may seem to have that worst-dressed thing going on. Call me sentimental but it reminds me of the elaborate gowns that I drooled over in India. The velvet is a bit much, though, for the current season.

B: Connie Britton can do no wrong! Friday Night Lights! Friday Night Lights! OK, I’m calm. I took my pills.

Jessica Lange

C: This is an American Horror story.

B: I like it. But then I liked Ursula from The Little Mermaid.

Julianne Hough

C: Somehow I think her ex Ryan Seacrest paid her stylist to make her look like a beta mermaid.

B: Did Jessica Lange give her a heads-up on matching outfits? Because this is way too Little Mermaid for my taste. Kudos for wearing a bathing suit to the Emmys, though.

Tina Fey

C: Or rather, Tina Yay! A red carpet 10.

B: She looks like someone’s sexy mother-in-law at a bar mitzvah. (Which is a good thing!)

Claire Danes

C: This washes her out like Tide with extra bleach.

B: And … gives her granny-cleavage. A dress that gives you waist-low boobs does you no favors, Danes.

Allison Williams

C: As boring as her character in Girls.

B: Blands don’t have more fun.

Christina Hendricks

C: This should be a lackluster dress but on this goddess it celebrates her curves without being tarty.

B: She makes Old Hollywood new again.

Julianna Margulies

C: Very non-Hollywood, which is a good thing.

B: Now, this is wallpaper I would wear.

Kate Mara

C: My absolute favorite! Girlfriend did the pale well.

B: White on! Girl, you did good.

Kerry Washington

C: It’s not a full-on scandal, but there is nothing juicy about this. Again, every year there is a doily dress to rock the red carpet boat.

B: Reminds me of my mother’s living-room wallpaper. 

Zooey Deschanel

C: Only this would look good on her.

B: Classic, retro and sweet — just like her.

Jessica Pare

C: She is the mermaid that fell short. At least she’s got flippers on.

B: This is the most unflattering thing I’ve seen today. (And this is coming from someone wearing a ratty, five-year-old sleep shirt on an unmade bed.)