Touch me in the moaning

More anticipated than the next chapter of the Kris-James soap opera, welcome back to the fourth stage of flirting: the language of touch, where men know all the dirty words.

Before I enlighten my fellow Martians on how to flirt without using their private parts, I am glad to report that my female readership has finally increased to four. Unfortunately, I have to protect her identity lest she lose her job at the facial care clinic. I am so touched by your obsession with my column that I would like to touch you back. However, I am afraid that I might be interviewed on The S Files.

The use of touch in flirting requires a swift hand, a delicate touch, and a pair of testicles as thick as titanium, especially if the touching is performed in a public place. In fact, one requires a certain level of maturity to determine which public areas are appropriate for touch-flirting to occur. So, for the blissfully ignorant male, please take this self-examination.

It is okay to touch-flirt:

a) at a sperm donor bank;

b) at a nude beach;

c) in line at a women’s restroom.

If you know the right answer, then there’s a good parole officer that I can recommend to you.

In the event that your answer incriminates you, you might be comforted to know that all mammals touch each other when they are a-courting. Blue whales rub each other with their flippers. Butterflies stroke and rub each other’s stomachs. Dolphins like to nibble. Moles rub noses. Dogs lick. And chimpanzees kiss, hug, pat and hold hands. Most mammals generally like to stroke each other prior to copulation. Based on hearsay, there are also many single, lonely bachelors who enjoy a good stroke even without copulation, which also unfortunately prevents them from receiving communion on Sundays. And as for me, I have to admit to a couple of intimate moments that involved licking, but it has always been my dog Tofu who took the lead. Although Tofu only takes the lead after I rub him.

Upon the advice of my editor, there will be no licking, stroking or stomach-rubbing involved in this column (which originally was to have been written over nine parts and include reader participation). So instead I want to elaborate on the signature "Sideswipe sablay," "Oops, nahulog yung panyo ko" and "Don’t worry, I’m a gynecologist" touch-flirting moves that I have learned and been incarcerated for. Alas, well-placed DOMs have issued a temporary restraining order preventing me from revealing any more of their trade secrets. To keep my job with The Philippine STAR, I have scaled back this month’s touch-flirting to focus on "pa-simple" techniques that you can apply on any female whose response to your touch-flirting moves isn’t always "pa-keees naman, koya."

According to Dr. Helen Fisher, author of The Anatomy of Love, flirt-touching should be carried out with more caution than skincare clinics in hiring their receptionists. All social forms of touching should involve "intention cues," a.k.a. "pa-timbre" moves to give women adequate time to run away if they are wearing high heels or to turn their lipsticks into lethal assault weapons. Flirt-touching is a delicate three-step process where the woman is constantly testing the density of your titanium testicles. And unlike the 2006 nursing exam, there will be no retake.

Step 1: Lean on Me. Before any touching moves can occur, Dr. Fisher says the preliminary step is to "close the gap" — by leaning in towards your intended target. Leaning subtly changes the amount of interpersonal space between you and the woman and can be used to gauge her interest in you. This is similar to playing patintero, except that you can be arrested for trespassing. There are designated distances for "closing the gap," which Pinoy men follow as strictly as they follow the yellow lanes on EDSA. But for the two law-abiding male citizens out there, take your time while closing the gap with the woman. Start off at the edge of her personal zone (a.k.a. "The Vic Sotto Zone"), which is about a distance of four feet, while keeping your body turned away from her at an angle of roughly 45 degrees. The advantage of this angled body position is that it is less threatening for the woman. More importantly, from a 45-degree angle, you can use your peripheral vision to check and see if she is getting ready to stab you with her lipstick. Remember that you are ill-advised to come any closer to her than four feet unless she gives you written permission or if you are Ramon Revilla.

If you move closer than four feet from her and she screams "Security!" that means you have yet to engage her interest enough to let you into her "personal zone." One way to make her feel comfortable is to assure her of your benevolent motives. For example, make her think that you may have had a vasectomy or that you might be potentially gay before you inch any closer. A clue to how comfortable she feels in your presence can be found in her eyes — if her eyes dilate as you come near her, this indicates that you might be more attractive than Vic Sotto. If her eyes narrow as you come near her, this indicates that she feels slightly threatened by your presence and that you need to back away slightly until she is sure you are gay. If her eyes turn white, she starts foaming at mouth and then she starts to moan like a caged beast, run away as fast and as far as your chicken legs will take you and don’t look back.

Now, assuming the woman has let you into her personal zone (a.k.a. the "Ramon Revilla Zone," within 18 inches to two feet), you may want to check if the woman is really willing to "close the gap" or if she has just suffered a bout of temporary insanity. If you think your success with "closing the gap" with her is better than Team Unity’s chances of sweeping the senatorial elections, try swaying slightly back. If she is interested enough to continue flirting with you, then the woman will try to unconsciously close the gap by leaning towards you. And remember, the key word here is unconscious.

Step 2: Arm-ageddon. Inevitably, the man will eventually make contact with the woman’s larger and preferably less sensitive extremities. These include her arm or her shoulder or her back, but try to avoid touching her in areas where cellulite likes to congregate. If you touch any of these congregations, there is a great possibility that she will use whatever cellulite she has left to crush any organs you have reserved for procreation.

During my last reading of the anti-sexual harassment law, the safest place to touch a woman without fear of excessive fines is on the arm. Even a brief, light touch of her arm can elicit a wellspring of reactions from the woman. If she feels that your touch is meant to draw her attention, to express your support or to emphasize a point, this may prompt her to express a reciprocal interest in intimacy. She may not touch your arms, but you should watch out for her positive body language signals — such as increased eye contact, moving into your Ramon Revilla Zone and touching your excess cellulite. She may even rub your nose, but only if she is a mole.

However, if the woman pulls away from your arm touch, uses her free elbow to dislodge several of your teeth and then proceeds to throws up all over you until her intestines come out, this may indicate a negative reaction. If a woman reacts this way to you, then you are much better off rubbing up against my dog Tofu. He will only throw up his last meal all over you.

Step 3: Handa ka na ba? If you have touched her several times on the arm and she fails to report you to the proper authorities, then you can move on to the next step: a hand touch. Remember that a hand touch, unless it is a handshake, a high five, or if she is giving you the finger, is much more personal than an arm touch. By touching or holding a woman’s hand, you are opening negotiations with her towards a higher degree of intimacy, so just be ready to face a sexual harassment suit.

If you hold her hand, and she doesn’t experience a sudden rush of adrenalin shooting into her hand powerful enough to crush your hand bones into talcum powder, and if your testicles are still made of titanium at this point, then it is time to employ more aggressive touch-flirting measures. You can first try rubbing your foot against her foot, and if she doesn’t stab you in the toe with her five-inch heel, this means you can still further elevate the touch-flirting process. If you successfully rub your foot against hers, your testicles are likely to expand two more feet in diameter. If this happens to you, wait for a few minutes as you regain your center of gravity, then try to rub your knee against her knee or your thigh against her thigh. Now you have moved from touch-flirting to seduction because there is no longer anything ambiguous about this signal. After this, I am not sure what happens because all I know after this point is what my yaya tells me.

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For comments, suggestions, or if you want to know my dog Tofu’s vital statistics, please e-mail ledesma.rj@gmail.com or visit www.rjledesma.com.