Male bonding

"Why men have better friends"

Friendship between women: A woman didn’t come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend’s house. The man called his wife’s 10 best friends. None of them knew about it.

Friendship between men: A man didn’t come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend’s house. The women called her husband’s 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that he was still there.

Funny, right? But what is it really saying? Do men truly have it better when it comes to friendship? I am the wrong person to answer this question because I have heard one too many sad tales about female friendships gone wrong. There are close friendships that unravel because of a man — quite pathetic, indeed. There are high school all-girl cliques that implode because of juvenile intrigues. Some age-old female duos come undone because of divulged secrets. Substantial or negligible, the reasons are countless and they mostly come in various forms of betrayal.

I myself have only two girl-friends, by choice, and for whom I will do just about anything. My best friends are my two brothers; I can relate better to my father than to my mother; I find it overwhelming to be amongst large groups of women for long periods of time. These facts say a lot about my bias. But I do have plenty of female acquaintances who have busloads of very close girl-friends, so it does work for some. Even my own daughters, Francesca and Beatrice, have long-time friends who are selfless, supportive and nurturing ladies; truly more precious than jewels.

But what an insightful friend once said — "When three or more women get together, intrigue is sure to enter the picture" — is something that rings closer to the truth based on what life has, so far, taught me.

When I see men among their friends I am struck by the genuine camaraderie that their relationships are premised on. It is not a wonder that American anthropologist Lionel Tiger coined the term "male bonding" in 1969 to describe friendship between men, but curiously did not apply the term to women.

I have heard wise old folks say that friendship among men is usually based on shared activities instead of emotional sharing, which is more typical of female friendships. So when men get together they don’t really sit down over cups of espresso and say to each other, "Hey, let’s talk." They don’t get all personal and whiney. In the event that they do verbalize their innermost thoughts it is likely to come out as a one-liner, devoid of all drama and sentimentality. It is etched in stone that men don’t — under any circumstances, whether at gunpoint or at knifepoint — divulge their friends’ secrets. That is just not done. And if there might be one among their ranks who slips up on this cardinal male bonding rule, he is accused of being a traitor or gay and will forever be cast outside the circle of trust. This is the reason why male friendships are never severed because of chismis; they have the loyalty of Dobermans; they don’t tell on their kind, period.

When men hang out with their friends they are most likely to shoot hoops, play a round of golf, have poker night, do happy hour or watch World Cup football on a big screen. In fact a close friend’s grandfather once said that for a male bond to become unbreakable, they must commit a crime together. It may be petty — like breaking curfew as teens — or grave — like corporate embezzlement, maybe — but so long as it is committed together, their friendship is forever cemented. Women, on the other hand, must suffer emotionally together. He could have been joking but there has got to be an ounce of wisdom here.

In my limited observational capacity as a member of the opposite sex, here are some types of male friendships that I’ve witnessed.

The Buddy. He’s the all-around best friend, the go-to-guy who has withstood the test of time. He is best man at our guy’s wedding and godfather to his first child. Our guy and his buddy have weathered predicaments together and look forward to an entire lifetime of friendship.

The Wingman. Also known as The Sidekick, he’s the fair-weather friend or party pal. He serves as the foil to our guy’s hero persona. He is Robin to Batman, Timon to Pumba, Goose to Maverick. He is our guy’s good-time-Charlie. He needs Wingman’s assistance to snag dates, score girls‚ phone numbers, answer to his wife/girlfriend and cover for his indiscretions, drive him home in one piece if he drinks too much and massage his ego if and when it gets shattered.

The Dupree. If you saw the movie You, Me and Dupree, you get the picture; if not, go buy the DVD. Dupree is the loser type. Usually, he is our guy’s old high school classmate who never grew up and is therefore perpetually stuck in desperate times, professionally, financially, and emotionally. He is forever in need of babysitting and is happy the way he is. The Dupree is a major mooch. He never has money so he expects to get a free lunch every time.

The Court Jester. He’s the joker with a bottomless bag of wisecracks. Smart, quick-witted and armed with a great sense of humor, he’s the life of any party. His company is valued because of his amazing gift for drawing laughs. He therefore is never wanting for both male and female company.

The Man. He’s the idol and has, for one reason or another, earned our guy’s respect. Usually but not necessarily older in age, he serves as a mentor and our guy looks to him for advice and validation.

So, guys. Which type are you?