Women your mother should warn you about
February 21, 2007 | 12:00am
A Manhattan florist was a guest on the Today show’s pre-Valentine’s Day television episode last week. She showcased several gorgeous flower arrangements, then explained to Al Roker, everyone’s favorite weatherman, that men need to focus not only on aesthetic value when picking out flowers for loved ones but must also consider the meaning that each type of flower signifies. Roker, obviously discombobulated by this piece of information, broke into some weird body English  a form of rain dance, maybe  in utter disbelief. He said, "You mean it’s not enough that we trouble ourselves with choosing the most beautiful flowers, now we also have to memorize their meanings?" The florist replied, "Absolutely, because some flowers, apparently  yellow roses in particular  mean that the giver is ‘just not that into you.’"
This is stretching our luck here. Shouldn’t we just be happy and appreciative each time we receive flowers? Really, the woman who stresses herself out over what meaning her flowers convey ought to get a life. Who has time for this? Life is way too short to be whiny over a bunch of ill-meaning, albeit gorgeous, flowers. If this scenario happened to you over Valentine’s Day, if your girlfriend threw a temper tantrum because the variety of flowers you gave her was inappropriate, don’t change the bouquet  change the girlfriend!
This got me thinking of the types of women we should collectively warn our sons about.
Miss Rabid Feminist. This woman, more often than not, blames all of society’s ills on men. She is convinced that the best thing a man can do to improve himself is to grow a pair of ovaries. She also believes that women are the world’s saviors and have the power to create a Utopian society by successfully subduing men. This woman is easy to spot. She’s the one who thinks she has done you a great favor by agreeing to go out with you. Avoid her at all costs.
Miss Take. She’s out for your money  pure and simple. Miss Take is the ultimate in high main-tenance. She expects a man to finance her entire life as remuneration for her services to him  those we dare not enumerate here. She is convinced that a man should pay for drinks, dinner, tips, flowers, jewelry, hair salon services, manicure and pedicure, clothing and accessories and, much later, her entire family’s grocery and utility bills as well. And she feels absolutely no guilt or compulsion to reciprocate even in the tiniest of measures. She is greed personified. Run as fast as you can in the opposite direction, unless, of course, you do have that much money to burn or she does look like that Indian actress, Aishwarya Rai. Then you may argue your case after all.
Miss Romance. The woman who obsesses about the meaning of flowers falls in this category. She is the type who lives in a fantasy world of romance novels and princes charming. She truly believes that Richard Gere’s Edward Lewis character in Pretty Woman will one day come charging into her life, if not atop a white horse, then in that same white stretch limo to offer her a problem-free existence forever. Miss Romance expects to be taken care of and will, once reality sinks in, most likely turn into a nag. Sprint to freedom!
Miss Elusive. This woman is closely allied to Miss Romance but with an additional dark side. She is one of the "walking wounded"  someone who has been hurt in past relationships and so subconsciously avoids or sabotages new relationships. Your association with her will be one of utter frustration, as first she shows great interest in you, but then very quickly runs away, only to repeat this vicious cycle over and over again. Miss Elusive is the queen of mixed messages. She will flirt with you and date you but will never let you get past "friend" status. What you will get is a million excuses for her unavailability, all calculated to deceive herself that she just doesn’t have time for a relationship. The danger is men love a good challenge, so they fall for this one hook, line and sinker. Save yourself the heartache; don’t get involved.
Miss Angry. Like Miss Rabid Feminist, Miss Angry doesn’t like men. They rattle off all the wrongs and misdeeds of every man they’ve ever encountered. This can normally be traced to dysfunctional relationships with their father figures while they were growing up. To Miss Angry, there is no such thing as a nice guy. Her simmering anger for men may explode at any moment like an erupting volcano. Unless you’re a sucker for lots of screaming and drama, stay away.
Miss Insecure. This woman seems great at the onset because she appears very nice and accommodating. But her insecurities don’t take long to surface. She’s the type who will call you every other hour, asking you "where this relationship is going," or because she "just wants to hear your voice." She needs constant reassurance that she’s attractive. She is clingy and needy. She compulsively agonizes that you’re going to leave her at any moment for "someone better." This kind of thing gets creepy really fast.
Miss Bitch. These are the sulkers, pouters, and temper-tantrum throwers of the female world. They are unpleasant people who treat fellow humans shabbily. They are self-centered and insensitive. Most Miss Bitches qualify as Miss Takes as well. They are usually good-looking and well-dressed. You can usually identify them by the scowls on their faces as they imperiously strut around.
Miss Me. A close relative of Miss Bitch, Miss Me is focused entirely on herself. She needs to be the constant center of attention. She is selfish and self-indulgent. She is a self-serving narcissist who was raised as "daddy’s little girl." If you can handle spoiled brats, this one’s your girl.
Miss Desperate. She is, on the average, nearing middle age. Whether it’s her biological clock ticking, or because she is the last among her friends to snag a man, Miss Desperate wants to get married  yesterday! Watch out!
Miss Tease. You can spot Miss Tease a mile away because she flirts with anything in trousers. Her agenda is usually to sponge off of older men but she won’t hesitate to reel you in just for the heck of it. She’ll work on you and will just as quickly walk away. Call it power tripping. This is her game and she’s darn good at it. She craves male attention and if somebody better comes along, she’ll dump you in a heartbeat.
Miss Controlling. She is very subtle, this one. Before you know it, she will be calling all the shots in what you once thought was your life. She will tell you what to wear, where to go, who to talk to, who among your friends are okay, what you can eat  everything. She’s the type who will make your mother her best friend to gain access to your innermost circle. If you try to stand up for yourself, she will act up in more ways than one and will resort to every imaginable female tactic until you succumb to her demands. Bail now or forever hold your peace.
Didn’t I just catalog the entire female population of the universe? Does it mean therefore that what they say about nobody ever being good enough for our own children is categorically true? Moreover, is who our children choose to be with any of our business? I honestly don’t think so. Do you?
This is stretching our luck here. Shouldn’t we just be happy and appreciative each time we receive flowers? Really, the woman who stresses herself out over what meaning her flowers convey ought to get a life. Who has time for this? Life is way too short to be whiny over a bunch of ill-meaning, albeit gorgeous, flowers. If this scenario happened to you over Valentine’s Day, if your girlfriend threw a temper tantrum because the variety of flowers you gave her was inappropriate, don’t change the bouquet  change the girlfriend!
This got me thinking of the types of women we should collectively warn our sons about.
Miss Rabid Feminist. This woman, more often than not, blames all of society’s ills on men. She is convinced that the best thing a man can do to improve himself is to grow a pair of ovaries. She also believes that women are the world’s saviors and have the power to create a Utopian society by successfully subduing men. This woman is easy to spot. She’s the one who thinks she has done you a great favor by agreeing to go out with you. Avoid her at all costs.
Miss Take. She’s out for your money  pure and simple. Miss Take is the ultimate in high main-tenance. She expects a man to finance her entire life as remuneration for her services to him  those we dare not enumerate here. She is convinced that a man should pay for drinks, dinner, tips, flowers, jewelry, hair salon services, manicure and pedicure, clothing and accessories and, much later, her entire family’s grocery and utility bills as well. And she feels absolutely no guilt or compulsion to reciprocate even in the tiniest of measures. She is greed personified. Run as fast as you can in the opposite direction, unless, of course, you do have that much money to burn or she does look like that Indian actress, Aishwarya Rai. Then you may argue your case after all.
Miss Romance. The woman who obsesses about the meaning of flowers falls in this category. She is the type who lives in a fantasy world of romance novels and princes charming. She truly believes that Richard Gere’s Edward Lewis character in Pretty Woman will one day come charging into her life, if not atop a white horse, then in that same white stretch limo to offer her a problem-free existence forever. Miss Romance expects to be taken care of and will, once reality sinks in, most likely turn into a nag. Sprint to freedom!
Miss Elusive. This woman is closely allied to Miss Romance but with an additional dark side. She is one of the "walking wounded"  someone who has been hurt in past relationships and so subconsciously avoids or sabotages new relationships. Your association with her will be one of utter frustration, as first she shows great interest in you, but then very quickly runs away, only to repeat this vicious cycle over and over again. Miss Elusive is the queen of mixed messages. She will flirt with you and date you but will never let you get past "friend" status. What you will get is a million excuses for her unavailability, all calculated to deceive herself that she just doesn’t have time for a relationship. The danger is men love a good challenge, so they fall for this one hook, line and sinker. Save yourself the heartache; don’t get involved.
Miss Angry. Like Miss Rabid Feminist, Miss Angry doesn’t like men. They rattle off all the wrongs and misdeeds of every man they’ve ever encountered. This can normally be traced to dysfunctional relationships with their father figures while they were growing up. To Miss Angry, there is no such thing as a nice guy. Her simmering anger for men may explode at any moment like an erupting volcano. Unless you’re a sucker for lots of screaming and drama, stay away.
Miss Insecure. This woman seems great at the onset because she appears very nice and accommodating. But her insecurities don’t take long to surface. She’s the type who will call you every other hour, asking you "where this relationship is going," or because she "just wants to hear your voice." She needs constant reassurance that she’s attractive. She is clingy and needy. She compulsively agonizes that you’re going to leave her at any moment for "someone better." This kind of thing gets creepy really fast.
Miss Bitch. These are the sulkers, pouters, and temper-tantrum throwers of the female world. They are unpleasant people who treat fellow humans shabbily. They are self-centered and insensitive. Most Miss Bitches qualify as Miss Takes as well. They are usually good-looking and well-dressed. You can usually identify them by the scowls on their faces as they imperiously strut around.
Miss Me. A close relative of Miss Bitch, Miss Me is focused entirely on herself. She needs to be the constant center of attention. She is selfish and self-indulgent. She is a self-serving narcissist who was raised as "daddy’s little girl." If you can handle spoiled brats, this one’s your girl.
Miss Desperate. She is, on the average, nearing middle age. Whether it’s her biological clock ticking, or because she is the last among her friends to snag a man, Miss Desperate wants to get married  yesterday! Watch out!
Miss Tease. You can spot Miss Tease a mile away because she flirts with anything in trousers. Her agenda is usually to sponge off of older men but she won’t hesitate to reel you in just for the heck of it. She’ll work on you and will just as quickly walk away. Call it power tripping. This is her game and she’s darn good at it. She craves male attention and if somebody better comes along, she’ll dump you in a heartbeat.
Miss Controlling. She is very subtle, this one. Before you know it, she will be calling all the shots in what you once thought was your life. She will tell you what to wear, where to go, who to talk to, who among your friends are okay, what you can eat  everything. She’s the type who will make your mother her best friend to gain access to your innermost circle. If you try to stand up for yourself, she will act up in more ways than one and will resort to every imaginable female tactic until you succumb to her demands. Bail now or forever hold your peace.
Didn’t I just catalog the entire female population of the universe? Does it mean therefore that what they say about nobody ever being good enough for our own children is categorically true? Moreover, is who our children choose to be with any of our business? I honestly don’t think so. Do you?
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