Small but terrible

Getting to small talk after a pickup line is like an actor running for office – just what the hell do you do once you finally get there?

As stalled as the opening of NAIA 3, welcome to the 12-inch remix of the third part in our flirting series: Talk (a.k.a. More Than Words). And for the sake of the dating-impaired, the past couple of columns focused on a flirting issue that is more troublesome than coming up with a senatorial slate for the United Opposition: the opening line. For those men who used my opening-line advice and suffered debilitating injury, I apologize for the lack of disclaimers. Unfortunately, my column does not cover medical insurance or accidental death. But for those lucky bastards who have crossed the opening-line threshold and survived this ordeal with less flak than the President attending the Il Divo concert, I commend you – this is a stage achieved only by male gynecologists, enlightened yogis and Vic Sotto.

However, small talk is not as unimportant as it seems to be. Because if the opening line is like adolescent circumcision, then small talk is like colonic irrigation – there is a potential for it to turn messy. Thus, to prevent the onset of verbal diarrhea, you want to keep small talk as short as possible before you reveal anything damaging about yourself, your stalker past and your yaya who is waiting outside the bar to take you home before curfew.

But even if you keep small talk short, what do you talk about? Do you even have to talk? Maybe you can just, I dunno, give her cash or load or something? Can’t you just look good? God knows how hard I’ve tried.

In a local study conducted among females in high school, college and office levels, the results showed that as a woman grows older, she places more importance on a man’s "socio-economic assets" versus his "physical aesthetics." So if you like to approach women who still get baon from their parents, you don’t really have to do much talking. You just have to look like Piolo Pascual. But even if you like to approach women who are preferably not old enough to give you baon, you still don’t have to do as much talking. And you don’t even have to look like Piolo Pascual. You only have to be as loaded as him.

The lesson we learned from this study is clear: Piolo Pascual is the Anti-Christ.

But for the rest of us who resemble Piolo’s behind, we are given only a few scant minutes to impress a woman before she shoots you with a Taser. Given this, I never think of it as small talk. I think of it as a credit investigation (i.e., "I earn 10 percent commission on drinks as a macho dancer when I am not writing humor columns.") slash medical examinations (i.e., "Yes, it is swollen and discolored, but I am now taking stronger antibiotics."). So when I go out to a bar, I always make it a point to always come prepared with my passbook and my latest prostate exam results. That way, you know she is not rejecting you per se, she is just rejecting your inability to pay for your credit card bills and your unusually small left testicle. But not the fact that you look like Piolo’s behind.

But little did the indebted, unusually small left-testicled man realize – after she showed the picture of his left testicle to everybody else in the bar – that whatever he planned to say to her would only carry as much meaning as an electoral campaign promise. According to The Anatomy of Love, small talk is called "grooming" talk by Desmond Morris, a zoologist who incidentally wrote the book The Naked Woman (a real book but with woefully few centerfold pictures). Morris says that grooming talk is characterized by idle and often meaningless conversation, similar to what goes on in most radio talk shows, Friendster blogs and congressional hearings. This type of talk is distinctive because voices often become higher, softer and more singsongy – tones used when parents talk to children or when men try to explain to their girlfriends why they smell like cheap perfume after playing an all-night poker game with the boys.

The Social Issues Research Center, the headquarters for dateless men worldwide, say that women’s first impressions are based 55 percent on your appearance, 38 percent on your style of speaking and only seven percent on what you actually say. So if you approached her wearing white socks with black shoes, your cell phone on your belt, and with a pair of pleated pants – then it doesn’t even matter if you tell her that your right testicle is just as small as the left one – your chance at securing the woman’s cellphone number will be as dismal as computerized elections for the May polls.

There’s not much we can do for you and your pleated pants, but there is still that 38 percent of your speaking style that we can work with. And a lesson we have learned from many a politician and habitual liars (can you tell the difference?) is: what you say matters less than how you say it ("I’m sorry"). The human voice is like a second signature: the moment you speak, you reveal many things about yourself – your barangay, your probinsya, your educational attainment and how often you watch showbiz talk shows. In fact, your inflection and intonation can attract or repel potential mates in mere moments. I have known men whose pogi points dropped faster than GMA’s approval ratings when they failed to enunciate properly. Their P’s and F’s had to be pixed immediately or else they would all be pucked up.

Once you finally engage in idle, meaningless conversation, remember that the intonation of even a single word can communicate an immense variety of emotions and meaning. For example, a high-pitched, gentle and mellifluous "hello" is often a sign of sexual interest (think of a thirtysomething progressively hairless Eddie Garcia). Women are usually turned off by this type of voice, especially if these woman have a pulse. Meanwhile, a clipped, low, and matter-of-fact "hello" is often a sign of sexual impotence (think of your most boring college professor. Then think of somebody more boring than him. This type of voice makes women wonder if the man has a pulse.

So unless you had her at "hello," here are other tips to make sure you don’t dip below 38 percent:

• If you are a graduate of the Mike Enriquez school of declamation – speaking in a monotone, with little variation in pitch, pace or tone of voice – there is a tendency that people may tune out on you even if what you have to say is terribly interesting (but that’s just an example, Mr. Enriquez. I’m a big fan of Imbestigador).

• If you are a graduate of the Kuya Germs school of declamation – speaking too quietly or too slowly – you will seem submissive or even depressed. Okay, Kuya Germs doesn’t speak that way. But I just get depressed when I watch Master Showman. (But I loved That’s Entertainment, Kuya Germs. Even tried out for Thursday edition.)

For your vocal quality, the aim is to moderate your volume and tone, with enough variation in pitch and pace to hold your companion’s interest. And in this arena, Kuya Boy, again you rule. Pa-guest naman paminsan-minsan.

But remember, it is not all about the women listening to your voice, as much as you want it to be. You also need to listen carefully to the intonation that she returns to you. Depending on the tone, volume, speed and pitch of a woman’s voice, even a simple phrase like "Good evening" can convey anything from "Wow, you look like Piolo Pascual" to "Wow, you look Piolo Pascual if he were the Anti-Christ."

Now, if you want to know if the woman is responding positively to your declamation lessons, here are the clues:

• If the woman laughs more than the situation calls for, she is probably flirting with you. (i.e., You: "Hello." Woman: "Ahahahahahahaha!")

• If the woman gives you a deep-toned, low pitched, slow, drawn-out "Good evening" with a slight rising intonation in the end, this usually means "You have four seconds to let me know why I should give you my cell number before I humiliate you in front of all your friends," or that she is moderately interested.

• If the woman gives you a short, high-pitched and clipped "Good evening," she wants you to introduce her to your friend who dresses like Kuya Germs and sounds like Boy Abunda.

And lastly, if your target runs away from you screaming – after you offer her your best Eddie Garcia impression – you don’t need any more vocal lessons. You don’t even need to show her the results of your prostate exam. You need to be arrested.

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For comments, suggestions or if you have the voice of Piolo Pascual and the body of Mike Enriquez, please e-mail ledesma.rj@gmail.com or visit www.rjledesma.com.