Defining sexy
September 27, 2006 | 12:00am
When I was in high school in Davao City, my batch had an inter-class activity with an all-boys class. They were not from the Ateneo, which was where the boys we only ever knew went to school, but from Holy Cross, a school we were never previously in contact with for reasons unknown to us. On the designated date, I met Tomas Monteverde, a tall boy – almost six feet, or so I imagined – with a shock of mousy-brown curly hair. He had huge, sad, soulful eyes and a wide, warm smile. This contradiction in his face was an image immediately branded on my mind. He was a class officer and a basketball varsity player. He was mostly quiet – he only spoke when spoken to – but he had a distinct air of subdued authority about him as he went about his business of organizing the day’s activities. And he did so with an economy of words and movements. I was in shock and in awe of this boy. I behaved like a crazed fan all day – as I was to be constantly reminded by friends much later. "Unknowingly," I said in my own defense, which no one believed. They claimed I did everything possible to make a fool of myself including cartwheels, pirouettes and headstands just to grab this boy’s attention. But the Shakespearean tragedy was that he didn’t like me. He didn’t even look at me, much less give me the time of day. He liked Nida Serapio, a classmate of mine who was similarly quiet. She was tall as well and had curly hair, but black, not brown, and she always sat at the back of the class. They went on to become lawyers, to get married and raise a family, and to live happily ever after.
When I think of sexy, I think of Tomas Monteverde. My six children know this, my husband knows this and now the whole world knows it, too!
What makes a man sexy? Is it washboard abs and bulging biceps? Is it unlimited disposable income? Is it movie-star good looks? Is it his being ensconced in a position of power? Or is it the good old cliché of fame and fortune?
Men do expend considerable effort trying to look sexy. Unfortunately, it is when the attempt is contrived, when the pains taken to adopt a sexy persona are at their greatest, that it is least effective. Men who try to be sexy just aren’t; precisely because they try. Sexy is not one specific thing. It is many things at once: it is confidence, fitness, intelligence, humility, consideration, empathy; it is having a healthy ego, a firm sense of self and lots of good humor. One can work at it by reading up, working out, being true to oneself and, most of all, by committing to a cause other than self-advancement. It is something that happens after all of these qualities come together and emulsify into a homogeneous personality. But once it is chased after, it is lost and beyond grasp.
There are many ways in which men try to be sexy. I remember decades ago, this man named Ben had his eyes set on a female friend of mine. He obviously spent a lot of time in the gym and wore clothing to show off the countless hours of killer workouts. He wore T-shirts that screamed for help, button-front shirts that threatened to rip apart with one sneeze and jeans one size too small that hugged his thighs that were like gargantuan embutidos. He always created opportunities to showcase this devotion to his physique and to flex his muscles as proof of all his efforts. Once we were standing around at a bar, and he asked the waiter where the restroom was. Ben then raised his forearm and pointed in the general direction of the restroom with a super-flexed and shaking bicep and asked, "You mean that way?" My friend missed the display at that precise moment because she was taking a sip of her drink so Ben did it again for good measure. "Uh, waiter, umm… you mean that way, right?" (With bicep earthshakingly flexed). I never saw Ben again after that.
This next one has happened to every woman I know. If it hasn’t happened to you yet, be patient and it should within the next few months; if not, you have my e-mail address. This is what I call the "suck and throw." This move comes from men who are hearty eaters and drinkers and who don’t spend a whole lot of time in the gym. First, they find a spot next to you, and then they suck their beer belly in, as much as humanly possible, then throw you a clever pick-up line before they turn blue in the face and collapse because of lack of oxygen in the bloodstream. Because they don’t go to the gym, these men have time to read and research what lines work on specific types of women, so that with enough practice and a little bit of luck, they actually do get favorable results.
There is what I call the "full financial disclosure," wherein a man will enumerate his financial assets – in the manner that a rare, conscientious public servant would to the committee on good government. He concludes this litany of riches with a humble declaration (ladies, beware! This is the coup de grâce): "My only liability is that I don’t have a girlfriend to share them with." If wealth is the bounty you seek, this is your man.
I was on a blind date once, again, this was decades ago, and we were in a car along Ayala Avenue. My date, out the blue, blurted "Look at that building, that’s my building, it belongs to my family. You wanna go inside and see it?" "No, thanks," I said. "What I’d really like to see is you climbing it from the outside." That was my first and only blind date ever.
There is also the "power showdown," in which the man gives you a rundown of his curriculum vitae, with the sole purpose of impressing you out of your pants with his BAs, MBAs and PhDs; his seats on various company boards plus all his achievements including his Boy Scout medal for best campfire builder when he was in third grade. If power is your aphrodisiac, this man will hit your Achilles’ heel.
There is the car aficionado who will spin you around, literally and every way else, in his pièce de résistance of a sports car – fierce and flashy which probably costs more than your life. If speed is your poison, you are a goner after one ride!
There is, however, no greater turn-off than a beautiful man who looks like he spent the entire day grooming himself, has paid obsessive attention to his choice of clothes and whose moves make him seem like he studied them at length in front of a mirror. Ladies, this is the man your mother has repeatedly warned you about. Be smart!
In a survey done by Cargo magazine, 866 women were asked what makes a man sexy. Fifty percent said that the sexiest clothing a man can wear is blue jeans with a form-fitting T-shirt. It makes sense because the most unforgiving article of clothing on both men and women is a white, fitted T-shirt. If one can get away with it, he can get away with most anything. The ubiquitous jeans are a no-brainer. Invest in a good fit and you’re set. Steer clear of those hip-hop, crotch-down-to-the-floor-jeans and those acid-wash relics of the ’80s. Nineteen percent of the women preferred their man in a stylish shirt and dress pants, while seventeen percent said a shirt and tie worked best for them.
Seventy-seven percent of the women surveyed said that most men wear too much cologne. Men shouldn’t bathe in it; they should just spray enough for a subtle aroma. There’s nothing like the lingering scent of a fresh-smelling man to make a woman do a double take.
What should men never wear? The women surveyed said no chest-baring shirts. No pleats in your pants. No comb-overs. No sandals. No socks that are too short. No pants that are too big.
A woman’s perception of male sexiness is highly subjective and is dependent on a dizzying variety of factors including race, color, creed and environment, etc. In the end, it boils down to personal taste. A coherent, rational, universal answer to the question "what makes a man sexy" might be an illusion after all.
But I will speak for myself and attempt to paint a picture of a man that I consider sexy. He doesn’t smile much, he doesn’t say more than he has to, he can sweep a woman off her feet with a look. He is low-key and never calls attention to himself. There is an air of mystery, maybe even danger, about him and most importantly, he must have a burning commitment to a specific cause.
Do you ever wonder why men in uniform are so darn fetching? That’s because they stand for something greater than themselves. They brandish a sense of duty and discipline and often along with a love of country that is rare in private citizens nowadays. The same goes for athletes and doctors. They, too, carry a magic all their own. Athletes are known to commit their entire lives to pushing themselves beyond imaginable limits in pursuit of the perfect game. Doctors dedicate themselves to saving lives. One can’t get more committed than that.
How can the average Joe hold his own in light of this? He can start by embracing something other than himself, other than his physique and looking sexy, other than snagging the girl. He should find and nurture a passion for something. It can be anything as mundane as a hobby or as revolutionary as activism. If he is focused on bigger things, he automatically elevates himself to the league of sexy gentlemen.
Brad Pitt was never sexier than when he was photographed with a baby bottle tucked into his back pocket; or Tony Blair when he condemned terrorism; or Roger Federer when he threw himself across the court to return a shot. All theses images will beat that one of a man self-consciously sashaying down the expanse of a room, flexing his muscles and google-eyeing his object of desire, any day, hands down.
What’s a guy to do, then? Start by getting a decent haircut. Clip your finger and toe nails, invest in a good pair of jeans and a smart suit. Find crisp white shirts and T-shirts that fit you immaculately, invest in a good watch and a smart-looking pair of shoes, find a sport you like and get a good sweat every now and then, read up, surf the Net and commit yourself to a higher cause, something other than looking good. If, after all these, you still think that nobody finds you sexy, get back to me and I’m sure I can convince one of my five daughters to reconsider your case and agree with me that because you did everything I said you should, you are, in truth and in fact, indeed sexy and you shall have our vote! Guaranteed!
E-mail the author at clfortyfied@yahoo.com
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