JM de Guzman shares story of recovery through music

MANILA, Philippines — JM de Guzman has turned to music to share his journey of recovery.

His EP Convalescence, under Star Music, features five tracks he wrote while “locked up in a therapeutical facility,” and how he found healing through them.

The actor and recording artist has recently been taking to social media to open up more about his troubled past and how he overcame it.

Last Aug. 25, JM shared on Instagram a certificate of when he completed his rehabilitation program at the Self Enhancement For Life Foundation, Inc., back in 2018. He accompanied it with a lengthy post that revisited a dark episode in his life years prior, when he had a drug relapse: “I remember six years ago, I was sleeping in a hotel room, five or six huge guys woke me up. They had access (to) my room, pinned my head, elbows, knees and chest while I watched the other guy inject something on my right shoulder. I felt weak in an instant.”

He recalled seeing his mom and aunt breaking down outside the hotel as he was being carried out on a stretcher. “I see in my peripheral (vision) my aunt, mom crying like someone died. I cried, too, and shouted don’t let them take me. Fell asleep for three days inside the aero med van. Woke up alone in a small room with steel bars. Stayed there for a month. Then transferred me to rehab and stayed there for two years.”

The 32-year-old said that the incident “haunts me every day, in my sleep or while wide awake.”

“For years, I suffered. I was imprisoned by pain and hate. Patched it up with a drug that made me lose everything I love,” JM further wrote.

Fortunately, he has since found God and is “grateful to Him for everything.”

‘For me, everything is music. Even with acting, I’m treating it most of the time like music. When I’m saying my lines, expressing my emotions, parang may certain melody akong sinusundan para maging continuous and spontaneous yung emotions. Music, for me, drives me to do something, like if I want to do exercise or work out. Or if you wanna change your mood, music is there. Sobrang essential ng music. Life without music is a mistake.’

“I’m not alone anymore,” he stressed.

In his newly-released EP, available in various music platforms, JM continues to share his stories via the songs Indigo’s Sky, By My Side, Cupid, Asa and the title track Convalescence, all of which he also composed roughly six years ago.

“Ito yung story ng process ng recovery ko. Recovering from a serious illness. Ito po yung mga sinulat ko nun when I was undergoing therapy,” he told The STAR in an exclusive interview.

JM, whose musical influences include Jeff Buckley, John Mayer, Tupac Shakur, Bone Thugs-N-Harmony, Eraserheads, Rivermaya, Queso, Greyhoundz, Francis M., Urbandub, Franco, previously released two albums under Star Music, but were mostly covers. This is the first time all his compositions are showcased in one EP.

Initially, the Kapamilya star had no plans of releasing these songs because they are too personal. But he’s now grateful to ABS-CBN’s music label for helping him “share my journey.”

The STAR had the opportunity to talk to JM about the EP, track by track, and here are the stories behind each song.

Indigo’s Sky: “May dating ni-re-research ako about Indigo children, type of people na may Indigo aura and that their purpose in the world is to create balance through art. They’re usually depressed, they usually feel out of place, they’re prone to addiction, pero mas nandun sila sa creative side ng brain if treated well sila. And para yun sa mga Indigos na lost na mahanap nila ang purpose nila sa mundo. That the sky’s the limit, they just have to see their worth and purpose.”

By My Side: “It’s basically hinaing ko kay Lord, why risk everything for sa alam kong calling ko, na binigay niya sa akin, how I felt and how I went through it.”

Cupid: “Na-heartbroken kasi ako nun eh. And so the song is what I learned from love. Never hold grudges over love, over the person you loved, kasi pinasok mo ‘yan, gusto mo magmahal.”

Asa: “It’s a song for the ideal woman, na walang pakialam pumanget siya. Na mag-focus siya sa soul niya. Yung ganda, she isn’t worried if it goes away. Gustong mas maka-vibe pa sa personality. Isa ako sa mga ganun.”

When asked about the overall message he wants to send through his EP, according to JM, “I don’t have that much expectations from this EP. I didn’t expect to release them. It’s a form of helping myself during yung pinaka-lowest ko, nung sinulat ko yung mga yun. To express myself, to heal. I don’t expect them to be a hit, or maintindihan ‘to, yung mga subliminal (messages) na pinasok ko sa mga kanta. Kung ano ang maintindihan nila sa songs, it’s up to them.”

Music is clearly one source of therapy and healing for the actor. “Para sa akin, everything is music. Kahit sa pag-arte, I’m treating it most of the time like music. When I’m saying my lines, expressing my emotions, parang may certain melody akong sinusundan para maging continuous and spontaneous yung emotions. Music, for me, drives me to do something, like if I want to do exercise or work out. Or if you wanna change your mood, music is there. Sobrang essential ng music. Life without music is a mistake.”

Besides music, JM is utilizing social media as a platform to raise awareness on issues important to him like mental health. And he has a gift for words, which he most likely inherited from his newspapermen family members such as his father, paternal lolo and mother.

“Siguro yung mga nangyayari sa akin, itong mga panic attacks ko, sabi ko nga, it feels worse than dying. Siguro sa perspective na nakita ko na parang, you can go anytime, bukas, mamaya, so ano pa ang mawawala sa akin, kung maging honest lang ako, sa sarili ko at sa craft ko, sa buhay ko. Siguro just to remind me to live your life like it’s your last and to do everything na parang you’ve got nothing to lose.”

He said of his soul-baring posts: “Nakakahiya kaya yun, mga pinagsasabi ko dun, it’s not something na ikaka-pogi mo di ba? Or ikaka-cool mo. But I feel I have to share it, and somehow, madaming nakaka-relate. Madami palang voiceless, experiencing the same thing, but they cannot be vocal about it because they’re afraid to be judged, they’re afraid of the stigma na meron tayo, na we cannot deny. I just felt that I had to do it. Since andito ako sa estado ng buhay ko na lumalabas sa TV, some people follow me, may followers ako na marami, bakit di ko nalang gamitin yun sa ganda. Yun nalang ang pambalik ko sa lahat ng blessings na natanggap ko despite of everything.”

No regrets for JM. “Mas dini-delete ko pa yung mga pa-cute ko sa Instagram, na mga after one hour, ano ba ‘to? Yun ang mga regrets ko,” he mused.

If he’s seen as a mental health advocate nowadays, for JM, “I don’t see it as a role or work, nangyari lang bigla. Process pa rin siya sa akin eh. Every day is a struggle pa rin. May araw na pangit, may araw na maganda, may araw na mahirap, survival mode.”

One thing’s for sure, he’s holding on to his faith more than ever before.

“Kung wala ang spiritual life, wala na ako. Things are unexplainable. Di mo nahawakan pero nararamdaman mo, sobrang sakit, sobrang hirap, yun (faith) lang ang magiging solution ko. Kung di kaya ng utak mo ilayo yung sarili mo sa pinagdadaanan na yun at emotional state di na rin kaya, dun ako mas naging malalim sa spiritual (aspect). (It’s) something deep inside you, that when you access it, whenever I meditate or whenever I pray, may na fi-feel ako na instant, sudden comfort, parang ang Holy Spirit, strength, relief, so yun yung pinayayaman ko talaga ngayon (That’s what I’m trying to increase right now).”

The Init sa Magdamag star’s energies are so focused on strengthening this relationship between God and himself that even a romantic relationship is out of the equation at this time.

He shared, “Feeling ko di pa, di ko pa kaya. Feeling ko di pa tamang oras. I’m strengthening my relationship with God and sa sarili ko, bago ako pumasok sa isa pang relasyon. I’m waiting for the perfect time, but not this time.”