What fatherhood means to a fatherless girl

Whenever it’s Father’s Day I am often left with sentimental thoughts as I try to evaluate my own life and wonder how different of a person I would have turned out if I actually had a dad. You see, I was all of 11 months when my Swiss father, Eric Tongi, passed away off the coast of Algeria in the Mediterranean Sea. My Pops apparently was an avid skin diver, a diver who instead of using scuba equipment free dives without a tank of oxygen. To make the long story short, he went spear diving without a buddy or a tank and shot a barracuda that brought him so deep under the water that he didn’t have enough air to get back up to the surface. It took the Swiss embassy in Algeria three days to find his body which left me — his only child with absolutely no memories of what makes my other half, except for a handful of pictures and a recorded tape session of him as I was goo goo gagging in the background, which I eventually misplaced and lost in my younger years. When people ask about my dad and I tell them this story, they, for the most part, always offer their condolences to which I am left perplexed because I don’t feel the loss over something I never really got to experience. This then leads me to question what would be the lesser evil — to have never had a chance to meet one’s father or actually have a father that one has gotten to know who is alive and kicking yet neglectful and unreliable?

That’s me when I was three years old in Switzerland at my father’s grave

My mother you see never remarried and remains his widow till today. She never fully recovered after my father passed away, I think. Growing up with a single mom, she always said how she filled the shoes of not only being my mother but a father at the same time. And what’s really kind of creepy is that my mother’s father also passed away when she was only two due to pneumonia in 1940. My Inay much like my Mama remained a widow till her death at the age of 88. A curse I hope ends with my own family as I cannot bear to think of my children growing up without knowing their father.

 My mother’s saying though makes me wonder what dads share with their daughters that mothers never do? In a world where there are stereotypical roles carved out that have classified certain duties as a mother’s or father’s job, it is quite refreshing to see fathers today that are bending the gender roles and looking after their children in not-so-traditional ways. Sure, there will always be the dad who never changes dirty diapers or gives the baby the bottle. But I imagine if I had a dad, it would be a nice thought that we would have movie dates, go shopping, go to Father-daughter dances or take adventures in the forest together. All the things that my daughter gets to do now.

My only tangible concept of what a father is or should be now only comes from my own husband, Tim as I watch him with curious delight at how he interacts with my children. My fondest memory of us in America that I vividly remember was when I first went to college some years back. I had to be in classes at night so Tim would be left with Sakura, then only two years old, and our newborn Kenobi. He would feed both of them by scooping the spoon into the air with matching airplane sounds. He also would bathe them, whilst singing yellow ducky songs as they both merrily splashed in the tub. By the time I got home from my academic commitments, Tim would have them both in their jammies reading bedtime stories. Sakura with her hair blow dried and neatly brushed with a bow strategically placed on her right temple while Kenobi’s hair fixed in a Astro Boy Faux Mohawk kind of way. I get giddy just thinking about it! It’s such a sheer delight to recall this as I share it with all of you through this article. And to know that my partner in this parenting business is equally as committed to rearing our children makes my not having a father less of a burden.

My husband Tim Walters and our kids Sakura and Kenobi during the Philippine Independence Day for Fil-Am artists in San Pedro, California

 So biological or not, what defines a father to me is someone who takes the time to build that solid relationship one can depend on throughout their lives — not just for necessities or advice but for character building and unconditional love. I have had a few people in my life who have filled that father void and given me paternal advice along the course of my life. I am so grateful to people such as Pancho Escaler, Al Quinn and Peque Gallaga, all artists I deeply respect and consider fathers.

I may never have gotten to know my dad but the fact that I get to witness it every day through the eyes of my young children makes me so thankful to the man who has fathered my two children. So to my Mr. Walters, thank you for being an amazing father to Sakura and Kenobi. And most especially to all the dads everywhere, biological or not, who continue to give so much of themselves despite everything else that’s going on in their lives. Thank you! Happy Father’s Day!