Age of rebellion

My kids are still young. My eldest, Antonia, is turning seven in February and my youngest, Nio. is turning two on Jan 31. Time flies indeed. Before I know it, they’ll be in their teens. Gosh, I dread the thought because that only means, I’m old! Seriously now, the teen phase is something that, I must admit, scares me.

What if, as a Mom, I don’t live up to the challenge of raising teens? What if, despite doing my best, setting a good example, planting the right seeds in their formative years, they still end up being rebels without a cause? What to do? Can teens be tamed?

Herald Cruz, a parenting advocate and a resource partner in my parenTin segment on TV5’s Kumare Klub (airing daily which I co-host with Amy Perez and Chiqui Roa-Puno), made me believe that rebels do have reasons why they rebel.

“Little children, headache; big children, heartache.”  —Italian Proverb?

Are your teens causing you problems and heartaches?

Observe. Do they show the signs below:

1. Moodiness

2. Less attention to parents

3. Occasional rudeness

4. Realization that parents are not perfect

5. Tendency to return to childish behaviors during stress

Do they shout back at you when you try to discipline them?

This could be attributed to:

1. Movement from one stage to another — from childhood, tweenhood to puberty.

Let me add, the hormones. Understand the hormonal changes that your teens are going through. It is not easy. Even they will find it difficult to understand why they act the way they do sometimes. Why they cannot control their emotions, their anger, their passion, their libido and their excitement.

2. Possibility of stress — stress in school, peer pressure, insecurity and self-pity.

3. Miscommunication — do you engage in conversation with your teen long enough for you to know them?

Spend time with your teens. Bond with them. What are their favorite activities or hangouts? Try to join them.

But after doing your part and they still end up chaneling James Dean or Lindsay Lohan, and you feel like giving up on them, take a deep breath.

Don’t despair. There is hope for your rebellious ones.

What to do ?

Herald reminds us to:

1. Give unconditional love to your teens. No ifs no buts. Never give up.

2. As a parent, understand the stage they are going through. After all, you were once a teen. You went through what they are going through now. You are in the best position to understand and accept them.

3. Stop. Talk. Listen. Really listen and communicate with your teen what is acceptable and unacceptable in the family.

May I add this: Pray. Once you’ve done your part, pray and lift up everything to God.

“Adolescence is a period of rapid changes.  Between the ages of 12 and 17, for example, a parent ages as much as 20 years.”  —Author Unknown

And if you are the teen who happens to be the problem to your parents and you happen to be reading this column at this moment, what should you do to resolve the conflict between you and your parents? Or at least, what should you do to reach out and not widen the gap between you and your parents?

According to Herald,

1. Even though there is miscommunication, don’t question your parents’ love.

My take: Yes, your parents love you. Period. You may not feel this because they are just way too strict and may be the incarnation of Hitler but believe it or not, They love you.

2. Respect.

Even if you disagree with them 98 percent of the time, respect your parents. Judiciously argue with them. You have the right to be heard. Strike a friendly compromise with your parents. But don’t lose the respect and show respect all the time.

“There is nothing wrong with today’s teenager that 20 years won’t cure.” —Author Unknown

I was once a rebellious, stubborn teenager. I didn’t see eye to eye with my mom and dad in many issues. But when I matured, and most especially when I became a mother myself, I understood and appreciated their form of discipline. They were also going through a rough patch in their marriage, leading to their separation at that time, and that contributed to my being my own kind of rebel na panganay, the eldest among three children. But there were valuable lessons learned. And I grew up being independent-minded, a fighter and survivor.

Such was the after-effect of my rebellious teenhood.

I would say, ”rebeldeng nasa lugar.“ 

“Adolescents are not monsters.  They are just people trying to learn how to make it among the adults in the world, who are probably not so sure themselves.” —Virginia Satir, The New Peoplemaking, 1988

About Herald

Herald Cruz finished his undergraduate degree of Pastoral Studies from Bethel Bible College, and his M.A. in Christian studies from the Alliance Graduate Seminary and has a Graduate Diploma in Family Counseling from the Center for Family Ministries (CEFAM) at the Ateneo de Manila University. He is a professional counselor at CEFAM and has been a guest counselor for various TV programs.

Herald and his wife, Melissa Cruz head the Parenting Cluster of the Center for Family Ministries of the Ateneo de Manila University and do public speaking engagements for various sectors both here and abroad.

They are the resource people for my ParenTin segment of Kumare Klub and co-hosts of Usapang Pamilya (Family Talk), produced by the Asia Pacific Media Ministries. They are also regular speakers for Ateneo’s Pre-Cana Seminar for Premarital Preparation. They have been married for 18 years and have four beautiful children.