'Sari-sari stories'

Being an “ampon” (adopted child) has been a running joke between my two youngest sons, Jio and Jako. He, he, he ... now you know one of the pastimes of my boys.

Jako’s crazy computation is that he looks different from his siblings. Ang puti-puti nya compared to Jocas and Jio. On the other hand, Jio’s ground and claim is more dramatic — that he’s got no “creative talent” as far as drawing is concerned unlike his brother and sister. And as a good and loving mother, Eileen is always quick to the rescue of our youngest — she assures him that he is really her own son. And according to her, nagmana nga raw si Jio sa kanya — that she herself, like Jio, is also lacking of creative talents. Ngek!

Last Sunday, while having lunch, Eileen told me of a new funny routine between our two sons concerning this ampon issue. Here’s the whole story according to Eileen’s recollection:

The two boys rode together one day and as soon as they left the house, Jako, who was seated in front, prepared to listen to a disc. Simultaneously, Jio put on his head phones and started to listen to his iPhone. After a few beats, they realized and were surprised to know that they were listening to the same piece of music — Highway To Hell.

JIO: “Pareho pala pinakikinggan natin eh.”

JAKO: “That’s weird! ... (then suddenly turning jubilant) Sinasabi ko na nga           ba’t magkapatid tayo eh! Yesss, hindi ako ampon! Yeheyyy, hindi ako ampon!”

JIO: (Coldly) ‘Wag kang masyadong masaya Kuya Jako ... hindi ganon ‘yon ... baka pareho lang ang pinagkunan sa ating ampunan.”

Ngek! 

* * *

BREAKING TRADITION NEWS: Before “BREAKING NEWS,” we used FLASH BULLETIN in television. This is how we used it the first time in our early ’70s TV-13 gag show called “Okay Lang” —

NEWSCASTER: “Narito ang isang Flash Bulletin! Isang babae ang gumamit ng Bulletin at pagkatapos ay nag-FLUSH!

Ngek! That was an original. And that was also our first taste of toilet humor. My apologies. And that’s the real story why now most news programs use FLASH REPORT.

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BLUSH REPORT: In the last election coverage for television, why do you think “hologrammed” guests and personalities seem to melt away whenever they exit the picture?

Natural at s’yempre naman — natutunaw kasi sila sa kahihiyan!

HOLOGRAM HANGOVER —Yes, the controversial “special effects” is here to stay. In the return of your favorite Bulagaan portion of Eat, Bulaga! starting on Saturday (June 5), Professor Tito Sotto’s assistant Jimmy Santos will be seen via hologram! Ngek!

* * *

FLASH VEGAS REPORT: O, mga kababayan, lalo na d’yan sa mga nakatira sa West Coast, tuloy na tuloy na tayo sa Sabado, June 5 at the Penn and Teller Theater at the Rio All-Suite Hotel & Casino in Las Vegas for “Eat, Bulaga Live in Las Vegas.” We’ll see you there!

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FLASH CARD REPORT (or VIVA LAS PCOS!): Similarities of a PCOS machine and a toilet —

(1) Both need paper.

(2) Both need covers and privacy.

(3) One has a flash (card) and the other, flush!

(4) After each “successful” trip, you deserve a big “CONGRATULATIONS!”

And finally, sometimes a toilet is used as a FETUS machine. Ngek!

* * *

BEAR-RAKING NEWS: Someone suggests that if whistleblower Koala Boy or Koala Bear is found not telling the truth, he should be put behind bars ... at the Manila Zoo! Ngek!

* * *

RECORD – BREAKING NEWS: Congratulations to Puregold’s Pam, Vincent and Susan Co and to all the people behind this year’s very successful Tindahan Ni Aling Puring Convention from May 26 to 29 at the World Trade Center. Nagkita-kita, nagsiksikan at nag-enjoy ang lahat ng mga KA-PURING. It was indeed a super shopping spree for sari-sari store owners. Purihin si Aling Puring!

* * *

Ano ba ‘yang nangyayari sa Kongreso

At binaha ng mga nadaya kuno

Na ngayon lang umangal at diumano

Sa PCOS machine sila’y namekaniko.

At meron pa silang mga kinukwento

Na lumapit sa kanilang mga tao

At nag-alok kung gusto nilang manalo

Sa malaking halaga’y isisiguro.

Bakit ngayon lang nag-ingay mga ito

At nasan ang pruweba ng salaysay n’yo?

‘Di kaya kayo’y nand’yan lang sa Kongreso

Para makita Smartmatic na mestiso?

Bato-bato at tamaan sana kayo

Mga baklang ito ang iingay ninyo,

Bakit nga ba fixers ‘di pina-aresto

Siguro kasi ito ri’y mga gwapo.

Sabi nga ng Chairman ang iba lang dito

Gusto lamang ma-TV at magdiskurso,

Pag meron na lang ebidensyang totoo,

Doon na lang pumagaspas, ang bruhang ‘to!