Tessie and her alter-egos

Tessie Tomas is celebrating her 28th year in showbiz, fulfilled in every way. She’s happily married to British marine biologist Roger Pullin and continues to prove her tri-media thespic talent (stage, TV and film).

She sums it all up in two paragraphs:

“I never thought that Amanda Pineda (in Champoy) would give birth to almost a hundred other characters in my years in stand-up comedy and that I would ever have the guts to do Meldita. Who would ever think that my role as Barbara Tengco in Abangan ang Susunod na Kabanata would lead to an offer by Charo Santos for me to be the host of Teysi ng Tahanan?

“At kahit si Madam Rosa hindi nahulaan na maglilipat-bahay ako from ABS-CBN to GMA para sa Bahay Mo Ba ‘To and Kim Samsoon. At para bang nagbago ang ihip ng hangin, at nandito at Kapamilya na naman ako sa George & Cecil and, soon, Tonyong Bayawak. At maniniwala ba kayong nakaka-walong indie films na ako, including Rome & Juliet, 100, Sanglaan at iba pa?”

To help Tessie celebrate, Funfare is calling the roll of 35 of her alter-egos, complete with their famous quotes:

1. AMANDA PINEDA: And here is the latest weather report from PAG-ASA-A! Philippine Phantasmagoric Planetological Accumulation of Geometric, Geophysical & Geographic Alliances of Asteroids, Acute Hemorrhoids, According to the Satellite Solar System of Steven Spielberg, As Applied in the Atmospheres of Asia, Australia, Antarctica, America & Alpha Centauri-a! PAG-ASA-A!

2. AMELIA EARACHE (Flight Stewardess): This is your friendly stewardess, sweetheart of the starry skies, muse of the cumulus clouds, reigning queen of the constellation. For drinks, you have a choice of coffee, tea or miswa.

3. CARMELING LAWISWIS: Nasa’n na ba mga anak ko? Peter, Isabel, Britney, Jeremy, Spotty, Elvis, Lassie, Juday — kakain na! Ako pala si Carmeling Lawiswis, mother of eight, wife to one man, si Ipe. My beloved Ipe — short for Ipelepsy!

4. CHARITO PLANAX: Ako ay magiging Maxima Labandera...dito sa ating pook. Ipinapangako ko, hihilurin ko ang lahat ng dumi ng Q.C. pati libag ng mga kalaban ko!

5. CORY ANINO: To my beloved Filipino people, thank you for your support to the February revolution which became the solution to the abject confusion brought about by the former dictator’s hallucination!

6. DIDING (Meldita’s Maid): Si Sir, alas nuwebe pa lang ng gabi tulog na! Si Ma’am, alas nuwebe na ng umaga, gising pa!

7. DONNA CARAG: Ano Inday? Ayaw ng mga bata ng Angus Steak? Pwes, alisin ang buto ng steak at ipakain sa aking French poodle!

8. DONYA PEPAY: Andy, where are you? Sabi mo magbihis ako pupunta tayo sa Paoay, yun pala iniwan n’yo ako pumunta na kayo sa Hawaii!

9. DRA. KINSE (Medical Executioner): I am Dra. Kinse majoring in surgery, minoring in embroidery. Our topic for today is about appendectomy... as in vasectomy, hysterectomy, laboratoryo, lavatory and catastrophe, kung kumabyos ang operasyon!

10. FRENCH TUTOR (Amanda Francesca Jacqueline Bluette Suzette Marionette Cansusuet Papaet Pinakbet Castanet Pineda): Potage means soup. Poisson means fish in French. But in Tagalog, “poison” means “lason”!

11. GLORIA MACATAGAL ARAYCO: Full force na ang pakikipaglaban ko sa mga hostage takers. Ginawa ko silang color coding! Pwede silang mang-hostage ng M-W-F pero may ceasefire na pag T-TH-S!

12. GRETA BARRETA: Pakilabas ang mga Balenciaga, Prada, Zanotti, Louboutin, Miu-Miu at Miaw-Miaw. And also my Emilio Pucci, Gucci and Pichi-pichi.

13. ILIANG DIMAGIBA: Iskwater man, magaling na rin ireng aming munting condo. Condomaan man ang bulldozer, madaling tiklupin ang bahay. Condo-mating ang kulektor ng tubig, madaling magtago. Condo-mayo ang bagyo, madaling magka-shower ang bubungan. Condo! Bow!

14. KENGKENG (Little Ms. Philippines Contestant): Ato po ay galing ta baryo ng Tanta Itidro. Meron po tayong katabihan: Ang di magmahal ta tariling wika, daig pa ang malantang itda!

15. KIANA RIBS: Namili ako ng iskrin neym — sapatos byuti sana like Ada Adidas, Esperanza Espadril o Nikki Nike! Mas ok na ang Kiana Ribs — as in spareribs!

16. KRIS ANINO: I’d like to make bati-bati mga friends ko sila King-king, Kaka, Kring-kring and Kringle. And also hello to the 4th, 5th, and 6th musketeers but not to the 1st, 2nd and 3rd because we’re galit-galit at the moment!

17. LEA SALONGGANISA: Look at me now – from London Post to Washington Post. Excluding the Meralco Post.

18. LORELEI TATLONG KABIBE: 100% sirena ako. Ang tatay ko, isa sya’ng lumba-lumba na pinsang buo ni Jesebel, na grandmother ko sa side ni Orca the killer whale na pamangkin naman ni Lolo Jaws, at ni Jaws 2 at Jaws 3-D!

19. LOREN LAVADA: To see and to be seen, to eyewitness events as they were, as they are now, as they soon will be. Events that will change the microcosm of society. Good evening, earthlings!

20. LOVELITESS (Spoof of Loveliness): Si Sharon at si Maricel bakit wala pa? Sunduin sa bahay. Hoy, yung ibang guest nalalanta na bigyan ng softdrinks. Vicky, yung singsing na binenta mo sa akin, yung perlas nangingitim! Ah, black pearl ba ‘yun?

21. MADAM USA: Ako si Madam Usa — hindi duha, hindi tulo, kundi Usa. May sisikat na babaeng bold star na peke ang ilong, peke ang balakang, peke ang boobs! Ay sorry po! Lalaki pala ang boldstar na ito!

22. MELDITA: Ano pang gusto n’yo para ibalik n’yo lang ako sa Pilipinas? Sige, ang terno ko ibebenta ko kay Eloy’s. Ang Swiss Account ko ililipat ko sa Germany. Ang mga perlas ko, ibebenta ko sa talaba! Payagan nyo lang akong makabalik!

23. MEL DYANGGO: Magbabalik ako with more news dito sa “25 Oras”! Balita bukas, the next day pamunas

24. MIKE ENRIQUE IGLESIAS: Para saan ang ampalaya capsules? Para sa akin kasi media ako...mediabetis!

25. MIMAY TIMTIMAN: Dear Ernesto, miss na miss na miss na kita. Lagi kong hinahaplos ang iyong larawan, inaamoy ang iyong medyas at niyayakap ang iyong sandong iniwan!

26. MIRIAM DETEKTOR SAANMANMAGTAGO: I am your Senator with a degree in Harvard, Yale, UCLA, UPDQC — that’s UP Diliman Quezon City. I have a college named after me, Miriam College. I even have a dictionary named after me — Miriam and Webster!

27. MRS. PULLIN (with British Accent): They are so fond of tea kaya sila pee ng pee. There’s Camomile tea, Earl Gray tea pero kung meron silang tsaa ng Earl, tayo naman may tsaa ng Baron. Pito-pito by Ernie Baron!

28. NORA LAZA: Since ang tawag dito, Caesar’s Salad, dapat ang gamitin, scissors! Scissor here, scissor there, scissor everywhere! Hayan, nabubuo na ang Scissor’s Salad natin!

29. NPA AMAZONA BARBIE: Grabe ang buhay dito sa bundok! Ang aking Samsonite, pinalitan ng tampipi. Ang aking Lacoste shirt, naging sando. Pati St. Michael’s panty, pinalitan ng supot ng asukal!”

30. ROSANNA BOSES (As Ligaya): Hindi ako paksiw, Polding, bopis ako. Daig ang nagsasalpukang lasa ng tinadtad na baga, lapay, atay, sibuyas, bawang, luya at sili. Maalat-alat na maanghang-anghang, pero makamandag sa sino mang mataas ang uric acid.

31. SPANISH TUTOR: Buenas noches damas y damos! Me llamo Amandita, Carmencita, Anabelita, Paulita, Empanadita, Pineda y Entremetida.

32. TESSIE ORBETA (Dancing Queen): Magaling talaga akong dancer. Bata pa ako nag-aral na ako ng ballet. Sinabak agad ako sa Swan Lake. Pero hindi ako ang swan... ako ang lake!

33. TINA MONSOON CALMA: Until now, the government has not fully removed the peelings on the Sabah Issue. Some want to drop Sabah like a hot banana. The issue is sagging. When it comes to Sabah, Congress is in a banana split.

34. TRIXIE (It Girl of Makati): Aba, I’m so close to the Ayalas of Makati, the Aranetas of the Coliseum, the Marcoses of the Highway, the Malibays of Pasay, and the Sangandaans of Caloocan!

35. AS THE TALKING VICTORIA COURT LOGO: Pag ang lalaki at babae unang nagkita, ‘yan ay Court of First Instance. Pag na-attract na sa isa’t-isa ‘yan ay dahil may Court of Appeal. Pag bumigay ang Dambana, tuloy na sa akin — si Victoria Court!

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