What you wouldn’t know if not for Totoo TV

Since Totoo TV first aired October last year – with former Vice President Teofisto Guingona enunciating "My Preciousssss… Philippines!" face kissing the screen, bringing to memory that computer-generated schizophrenic from Lord of the Rings – this ABC 5 public affairs novelty has recorded interesting, funny even litigious trivia on the country’s news personalities, while drawing staple viewers at it. Scouring three seasons of original episodes, we now list 16 most unforgettable revelations you wouldn’t have known if not for the show. Ready? Here goes…

Former Vice President Teofisto Guingona taught us something new on molecular biology: osmosis. "I prefer younger women because of osmosis – you tend to share in their vigor and vitality." Asked whether "osmosis" applies to the mestiza wife, Guingona beams, "Oh yes. I would usually describe my wife this way: imported materials, but locally assembled."

Would you believe that 70-year-old Archbishop Oscar Cruz is an NGSB (No Girlfriend Since Birth)? "Hindi naman ako bakla! (I’m not gay)" he points out. As proof, Archbishop shares that he was once courted by a Miss, a Mrs. and a widow. "I would receive seven letters a day. The other girl even had her traje de boda made. Turns out, may sayad pala (she was demented)."

Running priest Fr. Robert Reyes made a shocking confession: "When I was in high school, I was able to see an x-rated film." Reserving penance for later, Fr. Reyes appends, "Then, with girls, I don’t know whether to run to or away from them!" Ten Hail Marys and two Our Fathers would do the trick, Father.

Britney Spears pales opposite MTRCB chair Consoliza Laguardia’s all-pink get-up and "Judy Ann Santos" throw pillow to boot. But fashion aside, this pink Momma is a terror at work. Along with stringers Ariel and Mav, the lady chairperson sneaked in Via Veloso’s Perlas, in a movie house along Aurora Blvd. In the middle of a compromising scene, Laguardia stormed to the ticket booth demanding to be shown a permit. Lucky for the unwitting ticket vendor, the permit exists and Laguardia calmed down. Whew!

Even though Superman is his favorite superhero, DOJ Secretary Raul Gonzales would rather be "Wonder Woman," given the chance. Why? "Maganda eh," he readily replies. Hmm, gender crisis? Anyway, the strict public official who loves pandesal but avers coffee, was once an agile basketball "forward" while his wife, a former Zambales representative was "guard." "Kaya ako magaling lumusot," he quips.

Move over, Ryan Cayabyab, because if retired Gen. Fortunato Abat hadn’t entered the military, you would have faced fierce competition! Aside from conducting orchestras, this ex-guerrilla and current Tai Chi master also teaches tactics on courting women. His best advice: visit at sunset and bring a toothbrush. You see, he courted a maiden fair from the mountains once, and since it was getting late, the mother had no choice but to invite him in for the rest of the night. That’s when the toothbrush came in.

Maybe it was his prawns marinated the "Abalos Way" (bare hands and all), or the fact that he is the only caddie who became president of the club he worked for, or simply the bottomless bravado that won Comelec Chair Benjamin Abalos his wife… in one day! Imelda Papin will be shocked to learn that the one-day love affair is now 46 years of happy marriage. They even giggle and blush like seventeeners while reminiscing their whirlwind romance.

"Oh when the saints go marching in…" goes the deep husky voice of Louis Armstrong sound-alike Sen. Aquilino "Nene" Pimentel. And like saints marching in, this unico hijo did march into the seminary wanting to be priest. But then, he met a maiden who intends to be a nun, so they went marching down the aisle instead.

Even though Sen. Rodolfo Biazon now affords a weekly golf routine and lives in posh Ayala Alabang, he clings on to an old Nokia 3595 held intact by a rubber band wound twice around its body. But lo, this dilapidated unit keeps top-secret information from anonymous military men ready to dispose C4s at the senator’s beck and call. Another old treasure in the senator’s wallet is wife Monserrat Bunoan’s photo which he first saw at a comrade’s locker in PMA years back. Inscribed at the back are the words: "I’ll never cease loving you. Til the end of time, I love you."

Rosanna Roces once called him "Big Brother," and though hard-hitting journalist Mon Tulfo attributes the comment to his broad stubby fingers, brothers Raffy and Erwin agree that Mon embodies the role well. "He is my idol," Raffy says. "If he had been a priest, we all have been priests. He is a journalist, and so we all are journalists," Erwin adds. The conversation shifted to women, and Mon shares that Erwin once gave flowers to a game show host. Waving his hands, Mon mimics in a high-pitched voice, "Erwin, Erwin gave me flowers!"

Former DSWD secretary Dinky Soliman whiles her time away dancing ballroom, painting flowers and stringing beads together into bracelets and necklaces. She clarifies though that the trinkets are not for sale. She hands it over to friends as gifts. Dinky also clears that she is neither a Noranian or a Vilmanian. Actually, it was Sharon Cuneta and Kiko Pangilinan she got to rub elbows with while taking a masters degree in Public Administration at Harvard University, no less.

Aside from being an effective MMDA Chairman, Bayani Fernando has another gift: clairvoyance. Thirty something years ago, he had a car accident and while lying 50-50 in the hospital bed, he saw his body depart from his soul. Astral traveling, he was led to a river where a group of pilgrims were marching in procession. Thirty years later, the vision came true. The statue of Mary was brought to Marikina and people marched along River Banks. Since then, Bayani believed he was meant for great things.

Totoo TV airs Mondays, 10 p.m. on ABC 5.