Mga halu-halong hula-hula, Year 2006

It’s again the time of year when manghuhula of all shapes and sizes, of varying degrees of credibility or lack of it, seem to descend on the scene from out of nowhere armed with endless lists of what-might-be’s, some of them polluting television projecting an air of false authority.

At the risk of sounding like a broken record, I’m again reminding you (as I always do as each year ends) that telling the fortune of the stars is as easy as counting the stars in heaven (be careful, though, that you don’t suffer from stiff neck).

As I’ve been saying, you don’t have to wear a turban and shuffle cards or caress a crystal ball to find out what the stars (in heaven) have in store for the stars (here on earth). All you have to do is religiously monitor movie columns (like this one), read movie mags and tabs, and watch showbiz-oriented talk shows (Showbiz Stripped, Startalk, The Buzz, S-Files and ETK) without fail and, voila, manghuhula ka na! That easy.

And then, if you have the cheek to prey on the gullibility of showbiz denizens, you can make, well, a fortune. I’m serious. Haven’t you ever wondered why the tribe of manghuhula spreads like wild mushroom in showbiz? It helps if you have a beauty parlor where you can transact your (monkey?) business.

Without much ado, here again is Funfare’s annual Mga halu-halong hula-hula for 2006, based upon my stack of old movie mags and tabs and from my recollection of episodes from Showbiz Stripped, Startalk, The Buzz, S-Files and ETK. Brace yourselves!

The Blind Items

• Two of the four weddings supposedly scheduled in 2006 will not be pushed through for reasons that the couples involved will surely and expectedly explain on national television.

• A showbiz-oriented talk show will fade out.

• A young actress will get pregnant out of wedlock. She’ll come out crying on national television but the "culprit" (an equally young actor) will be unmoved and refuse to marry her (and/or acknowledge paternity).

• More singers will follow in the footsteps of Rachelle Ann Go, Aryanna, Rizza Navales and Jed Madela and bring honor to the country by winning in song festivals abroad.

• More indie/digital films will, like Masahista and Ang Pagdadalaga ni Maximo Oliveros, win awards in international film festivals.

• More sexy videos of showbiz stars will be spread via the Internet and cellphones. Ethel Booba and Alex Crisano, di kayo nag-iisa!

• Some stars will switch channels – you know, jump ober da bakod from a major network to its rival.

• A couple will definitely migrate to the States, come what may, for the sake of their children whom they want to bring up in an ideal environment where there are hardly any car-jackers, cellphone-snatchers and, sob, corrupt government officials.

• Two (or even three) couples (not married, only going steady) will break up like porcelain jars despite their public pronouncement of undying, endless love.

• A happily-married actor will be romantically linked to a young actress, for a while putting his family on the line. But he’ll survive the minor issue with himself and his family intact.

• A showbiz girl might split from her foreigner husband and resume her rudely-interrupted career.

• A US-based actor will make a shocking (read: headline-making) revelation.

• A popular TV personality will quit her job and announce her intention to run in next year’s elections – if, and that’s the Big If, there would be elections.

• A popular TV personality will have problems with her philandering husband.

The Wide-Awake Items

• ABS-CBN’s Sunday noontime show ASAP Mania will undergo a major revamp. Heads will roll and buckets of tears will be shed (by the victims).

• Madame Auring will hold on to her title as "Clown For All Seasons" and she will continue to entertain us with her illusions of celebrity.

• Mahal and Mura will disappear from the showbiz radar.

• Ai-Ai delas Alas will send feelers for a return to GMA which she left a few years ago for ABS-CBN but GMA will simply turn a deaf ear.

• Like the Mexican telenovelas and the chinovelas before them, the Koreanovelas will wane in popularity, to be replaced by, don’t look now, Indianovelas.

• Pops Fernandez will remain loveless. Her supposed "thing" with Jomari Yllana is just that – a "thing," a passing fancy.

• Young actors whose star will shine even brighter in Year 2006 – and beyond: Richard Gutierrez, Angel Locsin, John Lloyd Cruz, Bea Alonzo, Dennis Trillo, Mark Herras, Sarah Geronimo, Rachelle Ann Go, Christian Bautista, Mark Bautista and Rainier Castillo.

• The next (celebrity) edition of Pinoy Big Brother will be a bigger hit than the first one but it will be hounded by controversies (mostly sexual) that will force the MTRCB to slap it with repeated suspension.

• Gary Valenciano should slow down a bit, what with his blood sugar rising alarmingly high (hyperglycemia) or alarmingly low (hypoglycemia). In 2005, his wife Angeli Pangilinan announced twice that Gary was "near death" while having shows abroad. Scary, isn’t it?

• Martin Nievera will get more offers for shows abroad, Las Vegas included, but he’ll never turn his back on dear Philippines.

• Kris Aquino will get more offers for commercials and product endorsements, with her blithely asking the whole archipelago (and places reached by TFC), "Game ka na ba?"

• Assunta de Rossi and Jules Ledesma will realize (make true) their plan to – finally, finally! – have a baby. Made in Europe!

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