Yes, Virginia, Santa Claus is (merrily?) missing!

Yes, Virginia Baliktanaw, I mean the pot-bellied guy who says "Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho!" as he slips into the chimney (what chimney!?!) in the dead of night, lugging a bagful of goodies, and, having checked who’s naughty and who’s nice, proceeds to fill your stockings with whatever are on your list so that when you wake up in the morning you jump with eternal joy as the strains of Michael Jackson’s Give Love on Christmas Day, followed by Jose Mari Chan and his daughter Lisa’s Christmas in Our Hearts, herald the start of a blessed Christmas Day.

Sorry, Virginia Baliktanaw, but Santa Claus is missing. Like you and me, he is feeling – oh-so-terribly! – the economic pinch, so he’s hiding (in the mountains between Pakistan and Afghanistan?) because, like yours and mine, his bag is empty like a deflated balloon. Imagine what the poor guy will do if the kids, whether his inaanak or not, come rushing for their pamasko?

But with or without Santa, Funfare is, as usual and as is its wont year in and year out, giving away not cash (no cash!) nor gifts (no money to buy!) but the usual Christmas wishes, to wit:

• For Jolina Magdangal – A formal marriage offer from Bebong Muñoz.

• For Kris Aquino and James Yap – A fixed (read: "immovable") wedding date. (Ditto for Dolphy and Zsa Zsa Padilla.)

• For Kristine Hermosa and Diether Ocampo – A real wedding (with the blanks on the application forms filled up accurately and properly).

• For the Barretto sisters, Gretchen, Claudine and Marjorie, and their mom Inday – A peace pipe smoked together. (They can then pass on the pipe, used or unused, to Ara Mina and her sister Christine Reyes; Dr. Vicki Belo, Lolit Solis and Rosanna Roces; Rosanna Roces and the Revillas; and Rosanna Roces and Lorna Tolentino.)

• For Madame Auring, Angelica Jones and Mystica – A silencer.

• For Nora Aunor – A drug test that says "Negative."

• For Korina Sanchez and Sen. Mar Roxas – Wedding bells?

• For Lani Mercado – Bong Revilla all her own.

• For Regine Velasquez – An answer to (her?) prayer, "Dear Lord up above me, send someone to love me!" (Ditto for Pops Fernandez, Dina Bonnevie, Rica Peralejo, Ai-Ai delas Alas and other members of Samahang LPP as in Lonely Pa Po.)

• For Janno Gibbs and Bing Loyzaga – A compromise. (Kayo rin, malamig ang mga gabi ng Disyembre!)

• For Ethel Booba and Alex Crisano – Ano ba talaga, mare at pare? Off or on?

• For Rudy Fernandez and Lorna Tolentino – Cherry Blossoms direct from Japan (via Narita Airport).

• For April Boy Regino – An apology from Guam Airport’s customs officials. Hafa adai!

• For Richard Gomez and Lucy Torres – A kapatid for their daughter Juliana.

• For Sharon Cuneta – A post-natal comeback movie (and/or TV show).

• For Piolo Pascual and Paolo Bediones – Girl(s) of their dreams.

• For Judy Ann Santos and Ryan Agoncillo – May their romance last and last and last...

• For Jericho Rosales – A sharper sword that can propel his Panday teleserye up the ratings... and rumored girlfriend Heart Evangelista to high heavens.

• For Charo Santos-Concio – More heart-warming and heart-breaking episodes on her long-running drama show Maalaala Mo Kaya.

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