Joey Marquez: The First Time, The Last Time

Does size really matter?

If you happen to be Joey Marquez, it does. Like his fellow comedians Vic Sotto, Ogie Alcasid and Dolphy (the "ex" of Joey’s ex-wife Alma Moreno), the third-termer Mayor of Parañaque City is noted for a gift other than tickling the public funnybone. Ask about it and Joey clams up. He’ll neither confirm nor deny it.

But he’ll willingly reveal the size(s) of his other parts, to wit:

• Shoes – 11.5

• Briefs – Between large and medium

• Pants – 33 (that’s his waistline, too)

• Height – 6’2"

• Weight – 198 lbs.

• Blood Pressure – 110/80

With his vital statistics posted, let’s proceed to size up Joey on other matters without veering into "personal territory" which was over-exploited at the height of that earth-shaking scandal that turned 2003 into an annus horribilis for Joey and You-know-who.

No, Conversations didn’t ask Joey the usual "is it true" questions that never fail to titillate the public much more effectively than perhaps some of Joey’s funny antics, such as:

• Is it true that "they" have kissed and made up?

• Is it true that "they" are poised to send new shock waves with an impending "announcement"?

• Is it true that "they" have been having dinner/dates in public (the better to condition people to an inevitable eventuality)?

No such sensitive questions, please!

Instead, Conversations asked Joey (now running for Congressman in Parañaque City where ex-wife Alma is aspiring for the seat Joey is about to vacate) about "the first" and "the last" in his 40-plus years and he revealed things hitherto unknown to the public, like the first time he fell really in love (you can never guess who the girl was) and the last thing he does before he turns in every night.

Joey came to Annabel’s Restaurant (Tomas Morato Avenue, Quezon City) for this Conversation with a spring in his steps, a big smile on his face and a certain twinkle in his eyes that spells C-O-N-G-R-E-S-S.

So all together now, let’s "size up" Joey Marquez some more.

• He Felt Triumphant

"The first time was when I got my first job as a janitor at Clark Air Base. I was 12 then. I told myself, ‘Now, I can buy what I need – with my own money.’ I was earning P7 a day. Malaki na ’yon noon. What was the first thing I bought when I got my first salary? Basketball socks worth P15.

"The last time was when I won my third term as Mayor (of Parañaque City) in 2001."

• He Told a Lie

"The first time was when I was nine-years old. I dropped a bottle of perfume into the toilet bowl kaya nabara. When my mom asked me who did it, I said I didn’t know.

"The last time? The other day. I couldn’t attend a meeting so I lied na may sakit ako."

• He Felt Really In Love

"The first time was when I was 16. I lost my I.D. and so did the girl. Napulot ko ’yung I.D. niya at napulot niya naman ’yung I.D. ko. It happened on Legarda Street. I still remember her name – Erlinda Liquiano. I showed her I.D. to my cousin who turned out to be her classmate. That’s how we got to know each other. We met to return our I.D.’s to each other and we fell in love. When she left for the States, I cried in the middle of the street. That was a year after we met.

"The last time? You know when. Siya pa rin."

• He Kissed a Girl

"The first time was when I was 10. Smack lang. It felt eeky. Pustahan among my barkada. You know, dare-dare."

"The last time was...I can’t remember. But I know who she was."

• He Had Sex

"The first time was when I was 15 – with my teacher. Where? I won’t tell. She asked me to go home with her to help her check daw the test papers. And then she seduced me. You know how boys are at that age – hot! The next day, I felt embarrassed when I went to class. Pero siya, parang okay lang.

"The last time... I don’t remember. But I know who she was."

• He Felt Depressed

"The first time was when my mother died. It was the saddest day of my life–Nov. 12, 1991. I’m the youngest child (among five, coming after Bess, Via, Damba and Babes). I’m a Mama’s Boy. It took me more than a year to get over it. Almost every night, umiiyak ako.

"The last time? You know when."

• He Cried Really Hard

"The first time was, ‘yon na nga, when my mother died. I cried myself dry. Not just cry. Talagang ngawa! I felt dehydrated. You know the expression wala na akong mailuha? I experienced that.

I cried and cried until I shed no more tears.

"The last time? You know when."

• He Prayed Really Hard

"The first time was when I was about to try out for basketball. I was 16 then. For the RP Youth. I prayed hard to my favorite saint, the Sto. Niño. I passed. Out of the more than 140 aspirants, only 12 of us were taken in. The team competed in the World Basketball Youth Games. We finished No. 16 in a field of more than 60 (from the same number of countries).

"The last time? You know when."

• He Felt His Mortality

"The first time was...I don’t remember any close brush with death – except, well, you know when. That was the first and last time I felt like I was dying."

• He Said ‘I Love You’

"The first time I said it was to Erlinda, ’yung may-ari ng nawawalang I.D. We were on a date. Ang date namin noon ’yung paghatid-hatid ko sa kanya from school. We would take the jeepney and we would hold hands. Ganoon ang date namin noon.

"The last time? You know when."

• He Fell Flat on His Face While Making People Laugh

"The first time was... No, I never fell flat on my face. When I crack a joke, they all laugh. All the time. The knack for comedy is built-in with me. I’m an optimistic person. I don’t let problems bother me too much. I believe that there’s a solution to every problem. As the song Smile (by Charlie Chaplin) says, ‘Smile though your heart is aching; smile even though it’s breaking...’

"The last time? I don’t remember. I always hit the funnybone on target. Walang mintis. My favorite comedian? Robin Williams. His facial expression is deadpan even when he’s doing comedy."

• The First Movie He Ever Saw

"El Condor, a Spanish movie. I saw it back in Pampanga. I’ll never forget that movie because it had a nude scene. I was 11 then. It had a double feature but I don’t remember now what it was. I only remember El Condor.

"The last movie I saw was Matrix, on DVD. The first Matrix."

• The First/Last Car He Ever Owned

"The first was a second-hand Toyota Corolla, model 1979, which I bought for P27,000 from my Ate Via. I used it until it became dilapidated. I never sell cars. I use it hangga’t lumang-luma na.

"The last(est) is a pick-up, Silverado, which I myself drive. Brown."

• The First/Last Book He Ever Read

"I’m not much of a bookworm. But I remember the first book I enjoyed reading was Sydney Sheldon’s The Other Side of Midnight. I like romantic novels. I’m by nature romantic.

"The last book I’ve read? The Constitution of the Republic of the Philippines."

• The Thing He Notices in a Girl

"The first thing is her toes. They must be clean. Fetish ko ’yan, e. The first thing that comes to my mind? ‘Who is she?’

"The last thing? Walang last. Unless I can see her underarms and they are dark. I won’t look at them."

• The First/Last Part of His Body He Soaps in the Bathroom

"The first is, of course, the most important part. Para bumula ang sabon. Either my hair up there or my hair... How long do I take a bath? It depends. If I’m in a hurry, five minutes. If I’m not, more than an hour. I read, I sing, I take my time. I take a bath at least twice a day – before I leave the house and befoire I go to bed."

• The First/Last Name on His List of Friends

"The first is Lito Abad, my administrator. He’s also my confidante, the one guy who I know will protect me and at the same time tell me what’s wrong with me.

"The last? Si Dougs (Quijano). He’s always the last to know. Sometimes, I keep things from him, you know."

• First/Last Gift He Has Given Anybody

"The first was a bracelet worth P50 – kay Erlinda.

"The last? Secret!"

• First/Last Priority

"My first priority is my children – all 10 of them. By how many women? Secret!

"The last? Myself. I can solve other people’s problems but oftentimes I can’t solve my own problems. The problem with me is that I can’t say no... I don’t know how to say no."

• First Thing He Does When He Wakes Up in the Morning/Last Thing He Does Before Going to Bed

"I pray and thank God for making me wake up to a brand-new day. Then, I go to the bathroom and read the papers while I’m there.

"Before going to sleep, the last thing I do is pray. I thank God for giving me a wonderful day and hope that I wake up to another bright new day tomorrow."

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