Ruffa & Lorin: A mother’s lullaby

‘Now I know how it feels to be a mom. I regret the times when I made my parents feel bad. It’s only now that I know the meaning of selfless love. Everything that I do now is for my child.’

If a picture paints a thousand words then I leave it up to you to see how much of four-month-old Lorin Gabriella Gutierrez Bektas, born on Aug. 3, 2003 at the Cedars-Sinai Medical Center in Los Angeles, is her dad, Yilmaz, and how much is her mom, Ruffa. Take a good look at the pictures on this page and decide for yourself.

Mama Ruffa insisted that Lorin is "very Gutierrez" but Papa Yilmaz will claim the opposite, of course.

Motherhood has changed Ruffa’s life radically as it does every woman who goes through that rite of passage.

"Before," said Ruffa, "I think only of myself. Now, Lorin is my first priority."

In Istanbul where the Bektases are settling down, Ruffa and Yilmaz alternate in changing Lorin’s diapers and giving her a bath, with a Turkish yaya assisting them.

Mother and daughter (whose name, Lorin, means lullaby in Kurdish while Gabriella is derived from Gabriela Silang) came home two weeks ago for the Christmas holidays. On Dec. 21, Lorin will be baptized (the event is called a "dedication"), with the following as godparents: Sen. Tito C. Sotto, Ilocos Norte Gov. Ferdinand R. Marcos, Jr., Congressman Julio A. Ledesma IV, Vice Mayor Ernesto Mercado, Jimmy R. Duavit, Jinggoy Estrada, Richard Gomez, Antonio Tuviera, William Gatchalian, Gary Valenciano, Christopher de Leon, Eric Quizon, Tonton Gutierrez, Albert Martinez, Ricky Lo, Alfie Lorenzo, Cecilio Pedro, Rafael Ortañez, Engr. Mario Badillo, Dr. Jose F. Oreta, Jr., Joel del Prado and Bong Prada Lim; and Lipa City Mayor Vilma Santos Recto, Honorable Nikki Coseteng, Quezon City Councilor Aiko Melendez, Rose Marie J. Arenas, Charo Santos Concio, Lorna Tolentino Fernandez, Lucy Torres Gomez, Charlene Gonzalez Muhlach, Marichu Maceda, Carmina Villarroel, Donita Rose Cavett Villarama, Tessa Prieto Valdes, Laarni Enriquez, Mariquita Yeung, Ethel Ramos, Aster Amoyo, Cher Calvin, Nadia Montenegro, Madel Bitanga, Geena Llamanzares, Barbara Dimatulac and Yolanda Quiambao.

Since her arrival, Mama Ruffa has been preoccupied with pictorials and TV interviews, but she sees to it that she’s home before 9 in the evening to be with Lorin. A (Filipina) yaya helps Ruffa look after Lorin whom Ruffa breastfed for two months; she’s now on formula.

On the afternoon Conversations dropped by the Gutierrezes’ home in White Plains, Quezon City, Ruffa just came from a taping for Morning Girls. From ABS-CBN, she had to fetch Lorin and the yaya from Ruffa’s condo in Greenhills.

You’re back in shape. Fast. How did you do it?

"I gained 50 pounds when I was pregnant. I even went up to 180. I did it by regular workout at our gym. We have a gym at home. I’ve lost more than 40 pounds and I’m losing some more. I went on a diet. I avoided fatty foods and sweets. Actually, I got a little bit of my diet program from Charlene (Gonzalez) who gained 90 pounds when she was pregnant with her twins. I asked Charlene, ‘How did you get back in shape so fast?’ She told me, ‘Eat steamed food; avoid salty foods and sweets.’ It works."

You’re here for the holidays. How long are you staying?

"I arrived on Nov. 17 and I’m leaving on Dec. 26, the day after Christmas. Yilmaz and I, together with Lorin, are spending New Year in our casino-hotel in Cyprus. Yilmaz’s family will also be there."

Will Yilmaz come for Lorin’s baptism?

"Well, he’s supposed to follow a week before Christmas. Hopefully, his business is doing well so he can have a week off. He’s fetching us. I want him to experience Christmas in the Philippines because I believe that no other country celebrates Christmas the way we do. May noche buena, may carolling, Christmas lanterns all over. Masaya. And we have a long Christmas celebration. Very unique. I want Yilmaz to experience that and we’ll head back to Turkey right after."

It’s your first long trip out of Turkey with Lorin – aside, of course, from the abortive one. How was your trip?

"This is actually our second long trip. The first was when we flew from L.A. to Istanbul. At that time, Lorin was only three-weeks old; she was so good on the plane, asleep throughout the trip. She was like a little mouse; you couldn’t hear her. When I took that abortive trip from Istanbul to Dubai... we never reached Manila because we decided to go back to Istanbul...naku, the passengers beside us left, moved to other seats, because Lorin was in a bad mood and she was screaming and screaming. Maybe Yilmaz and my mother-in-law (Nurhan Bektas) were thinking of Lorin; siguro miss na miss nila si Lorin so Lorin was crying and crying; nag-alisan tuloy ‘yung mga katabi namin. I guess she was so stressed."

This time around, Annabelle (Rama, Ruffa’s mom) fetched you all the way from Istanbul...

"...Thank heavens for my Mom. Our trip was much easier because of her."

Did you have to take precautions – you know, did you have to cover Lorin’s ears with plugs during the flight? She’s so tender and some people say that the pressurized air inside the plane can be harmful to a baby.

"During the take-off and landing, we just made sure that we fed her so that her ears wouldn’t hurt. Or we let her suck on the pacifier. It’s a ‘must’ para hindi maapektuhan ang kanyang eardrums. And we brought a lot of extra clothes. When we landed in Manila, Lorin was just wearing a T-shirt. During the flight kasi, she vomitted a lot after drinking milk because of the turbulence."

What made you take that abortive trip (last month)?

"Well, I wanted to come home to celebrate my Mom’s birthday (Oct. 30) with her."

Did Yilmaz let you?

"Actually, he did not. He said that, you know, Lorin was still a little baby and she was too delicate to fly so far. He wanted me to wait another month. I went against his wishes and I left. Lumayas ako. When we got only as far as Dubai, I realized that I made a mistake, that I was to blame because I didn’t listen to him."

You mean you made a French leave!?!

"Yeah, I did! It was Yilmaz’s mom and his other relatives who brought me to the airport. But I learned my lesson. Lesson no. 1: Submit to your husband and always listen to what he has to say because sometimes he can be right."

As a Muslim (she’s known by the name Yasmeen), what practices do you observe as a wife?

"Basically, Yilmaz knows more about Islam than I do, so when we have our late-night talks, we’re in the room and watching DVDs or watching Discovery Channel or National Geographic, we always talk about anything under the sun and it includes religion. So he always tells me stories about what’s written in the Koran and I share with him stories about what’s written in The Bible. We exchange views and stories. Basically, it’s a matter of respecting one’s religion. For some people, Islam is the right way; for others, Christianity is the right way. For some people, it could be Buddhism. Kanya-kanya ‘yon. But I believe that what’s important is what’s in your heart. You know, follow your faith and practise it. What matters is, you know, as long as you’re a good person..."

...mutual respect.

"Exactly. Mutual respect. We had a Christian wedding in the Philippines."

What are your activities while you’re here?

"I’ve been doing TV guestings. I’ve been very visible. I’ve been doing a lot of photo shoots. I’m also launching my website. But I have set a limit on my activities, like I can’t work after 9 p.m. because I have to be home to be with Lorin. There’s like a transition now when it comes to my career and my personal appearances. As long as it will benefit me in some way and it’s a good project and it’s for a worthwhile cause, okay, I’ll do it and Yilmaz will let me do it."

Motherhood has changed your lifestyle radically.

"Yeah. I sleep early and I wake up early. I shun the night life; I don’t drink and I never did smoke. Instead of going out and being with friends, I’d rather that my friends come to the house and visit me, so they can spend time with me and at the same time I’m not far from Lorin."

Do you still breastfeed Lorin?

"Not anymore because my milk wasn’t enough. I breastfed Lorin for only two months. She’s so matakaw! Every 30 minutes she’s hungry. Slowly, gradually, I switched to formula."

When you were pregnant, you read a lot of books about mothering and taking care of your baby...

"...everything! I’m so glad that I was able to take classes about parenting and infant care at the Cedars-Sinai. It’s a good thing I took up yoga. It helped. I didn’t have a difficult time. Three hours lang ako nag-labor. The day after I gave birth, I checked out of the hospital and I began working out."

Did the books help?

"Oh, yes, they did! They’re all very helpful. And I continue to read books. Of course, my Mom is there to give tips and (pieces of) advice but it helps a lot to keep yourself posted on the latest trends in the medical world."

Your mom brought you and your five brothers up very well and I doubt if she read a single book on child care. What pointers do you get from your mom?

"Well, iba ang style ni Mommy sa pagpapalaki ng baby... that was in the ’70s and ’80s... at iba naman ngayon. I told her, ‘Ma, iba na ngayon. You can’t let the baby sleep on her stomach, ’yung nakadapa, it can cause infant-death syndrome because ’yung baby hindi makahinga.’ Now, when the baby is asleep, dapat naka-tagilid. There are so many techniques now that were not applied before. But I’m thankful that my Mom is around to help and guide me because, you know, mothers always know best."

How are you and Yilmaz bringing up Lorin, more of the Turkish way or the Filipino way, or a combination of both?

"The good thing is that Lorin is getting the best of both worlds. She has the European culture – you know, Turkish – and she has a mix of the Asian cultures. We’ll teach her about her roots. When she grows older, we’ll bring her to Cebu so she’ll know where her Lola came from. She can learn how to speak Spanish from my Dad, Kurdish from Yilmaz, English from me and Bisaya from my Mom. I think it’s good for her; I think she’ll turn out to be an intelligent girl because of all these mixtures."

Oh, by the way, what happened to the $1-million check given to Lorin by her paternal Lola as soon as she was born?

"How I wish! You know, there was some misunderstanding and miscommunication about that gift. I think it was blown out of proportion. Lorin did receive a gift but it wasn’t really worth $1 million but only one million lira, roughly $1,000. Parang token lang."

How is life in Istanbul?

"Great! I’ve been coming and going when Yilmaz and I were just dating but now I consider Istanbul my second home; it’s our base. I like it! Istanbul is a beautiful city; it’s very cosmopolitan, very historical. I’ve made new friends and I’m learning about their culture."

What about your plans?

"Well, I can always come back if there’s a worthy project. But movies, they take time to finish so I doubt if I can have time for movies."

Are you putting up any business?

"Maybe next year. In the meantime, I want to devote my time to taking care of Lorin. In January, Yilmaz and I will start travelling because, if you remember, we were not even able to enjoy our honeymoon."

With Lorin?

"Well, we need time for ourselves, too, so Lorin will have to stay with her Lola (Annabelle) for a while. Yilmaz and I will go to the Maldives."

How many more kids do you want to have? How soon do you want the next one?

"Two more. Hopefully, a boy and another girl. Yilmaz wants five more pero ayoko na. Mahirap magbuntis, ‘no. It’s not that easy. Maybe after two years, Yilmaz and I can have the next one. Gusto ko, sunud-sunod para tapos na. And then, we’ll concentrate on just bringing up our kids and not making more kids."

Will you be as strict as your mom?

"I don’t think I have to be strict because her Dad is gonna be there. Even now, Yilmaz and I are already discussing about what Lorin can watch on TV and things like that. She’s going to a Catholic school, maybe in Switzerland, because we want Lorin to grow up to be a fine lady – and humble."

Would you like Lorin to be a beauty queen like you?

"Definitely not! Yilmaz and I want Lorin to do what we were not able to do – that is, finish her studies. We want her to be a successful businesswoman and a good leader."

What’s the best lesson that you’ve learned so far about motherhood?

"Now, I know how it feels to be a mom. I regret all the times that I made my family, especially my parents, feel bad. Ngayon ko lang naramdaman ang meaning ng true love... that I’m willing to die for another person... that I have to give more to another person and not be selfish and not focus only on myself. Everything that I do now is only for Lorin."

By the way, do you and Yilmaz still have, you know, LQ’s (Lovers’ Quarrels)?

"Every now and then. Hindi mawawala ’yon. But this much I can say, when we got married I chose to be with Yilmaz and to spend the rest of my life with him. So whenever trials come our way, like the trials that I went through when I was pregnant... those are all under the bridge now. I can say that divorce is never an option. I will be with Yilmaz for as long as we live."

Amen!

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