Aubrey au naturel

First, let the cat out of the bag.

Did you know that the original sex counsellor behind the widely/wildly famous Xerex column in Abante was a he and not a she (unlike Xaviera Hollander who’s the international specialist along, ehem, sexual lines)?

He was none other than Jim Libiran, now one of The Correspondents (ABS-CBN’s Monday night show) and one of the very few Filipino journalists who ventured into Baghdad only a few days before that Iraqi city was rained with bombs by the Coalition Forces.

Xerex is now a trilogy movie, produced by Regal Films and directed by Mel Chionglo, with Aubrey Miles (launched in Prosti) as the woman confronted with sex problems. Xerex to the rescue!

In the episode Kama, with Jake Roxas as partner, Aubrey plays a cloistered teenaged girl who’s having sex on the sly with the campus heartthrob (Jake), doing it in the most unexpected places (during a masquerade ball, at the car’s backseat, etc.).

In O, with newcomer Kalani Ferreria, Aubrey junks the man she’s about to marry after a one-night stand with a hunky lifeguard who is as good in bed as he is on the beach he’s guarding.

In Butas, with Jon Hall, Aubrey plays an elevator girl who fantasizes about a dashing corporate executive (Jon) releasing her repressed desires by peeping into the nocturnal activities of the couple next door.

Now, if I were Xerex (with apologies to Jim Libiran), how do you think I would solve the problems of red-blooded (male) fans fantasizing over Aubrey?

I’ll try.

• Letter No. 1, from "Sleepless in Subic":

Dear Xerex,

I’m 16 and still a virgin. But in my mind, I’m not. Blame it on Aubrey with whom, without her knowing it, I’ve done all styles of kinky sex. I keep thinking about her everywhere I go, even when I’m in the church. Now, I can’t sleep. I want Aubrey to be by my side. What shall I do?

(Dear Sleepless in Subic,

I advise you to have an exact rubberized replica of Aubrey made-to-order. You can hug her and kiss her and do everything you want with her - without her knowing it - and I’m sure by the time you are through with her, you’ll be dead tired and ready to drift into dreamland - fully satisfied.)

• Letter No. 2, from "Stalker of the Night":

Dear Xerex,

I am so in love with Aubrey that I’ve been following her anywhere she goes. You can just imagine what dirty thoughts I have everytime I watch her on MTB even if she’s fully-clothed.

Just call me "Stalker of the Night" dahil ako’y nagtatago sa dilim.

P.S. I’m a lesbian, lalaking-lalaki sa puso at diwa.

(Dear "Stalker of the Night",

Sorry to inform you that, according to Aubrey, she’s an absolute woman, babaing-babae, and she can "do it" only with a man. Since you prefer to be in the dark, it’s better for you to remain where you are and steer clear of Aubrey. It’s okay to "stalk" her but don’t harm her.)

• Letter No. 3, from "D.O.M. (Darling Old Man)":

Dear Xerex,

I am rich but old, worth millions. I’m into my 90s and one of my ardent wishes before I leave this world is to spend one night, just one night, with Aubrey. She can name her price. I have only limited time left and I’m becoming desperate. Help me, quick, bago ako matigok!

(Dear "D.O.M.",

As far as I know, hindi type ni Aubrey ang mga D.O.M. no matter how much of a "darling" you are. What to do with your millions? For one, you can put up an Aubrey Miles Foundation or finance an Aubrey Miles Lookalike Contest.)

Meanwhile, let Xerex ask Aubrey the titillating questions that she and a million others out there must be wanting to ask her but never had the chance to.

Who do you consult (run to) when you have a problem?

"My manager (Dondon Monteverde). I never bother my Mom because as it is, she has more than enough problems of her own. I spare her from my problems. I tell her about my problems only after they are solved."

If you have to consult Xerex about a problem, what would it be?

"How I can have time to do, you know, that. You see, I’ve been so busy these days – shooting the movie Xerex, co-hosting MTB everyday and making personal appearances, etc. – that I hardly have time for myself. ‘Dear Xerex, can you please tell me how to satisfy myself?’ I would ask Xerex that."

How do you cope with tsismis?

"I just ignore them. As long as I know the truth and the people I love aren’t bothered, I let the tsismis go and die a natural death."

So far, what’s the worst tsismis spread and/or written about you?

"Well, about the DOM na nagbigay daw sa akin ng kotse. I’m driving a Starex which I’m paying on installment basis."

What about your having a love child daw?

"Do I look like a mother?"

And the triple-X video?

"I saw the video and I burned it already. The girl in it looked like a Japanese or Korean. Some people said that the girl looked like me; others said she looked like Kris Aquino (Who only laughed at it. – RFL). It was my sister in Japan who sent me the copy."

How come you don’t resort to (cheap) gimmickry (such as running around naked, posing for a pictorial covered only with eggs or staging phony anti-war protest)?

"I am not that hungry for publicity. Hindi ako KSP (as in Kulang sa Pansin). With me, kusang dumarating ang tsismis, ang controversies. I want people to talk about my films and not about mga ka-cheap-an. Maybe my ‘gimmick’ is my work. You know, tanggap ako nang tanggap ng work, as long as maganda, and I don’t mind people talking about me and my work."

On what occasion do you tell a lie?

"When I tell my mom about my suitors. With her kasi, walang pumapasa so I have to tell a (white) lie to make her look at a guy another way."

Do you have any favorite fantasy?

"Make love underwater."

With whom?

"Secret!"

Do you sleep in the nude?

"I don’t. Hindi ako comfortable. Besides, what if fire breaks out in the middle of the night? Ayokong tumakbo nang hubad, ’no! I don’t want to distract the firemen."

So what’s your favorite sleeping wear?

"Lingerie."

With underwear, of course?

"Not necessarily."

Which part of your body do you think needs some improvement?

"My hips. Medyo maliit."

And which part of your body naman is your favorite?

"My face. Buong mukha ko. My face mirrors what I feel. If I’m sad, I look it; if I’m happy, I also look it. My face is so honest that it can’t and it doesn’t hide my feelings."

What do you like most about yourself?

"My having a happy disposition. I look at the bright side of life. Optimistic ako, e. You know, a glass of water is never half-empty to me, it’s always half-full. In my case, what you see is not all that you can get. If you look closely, if you get to know me better, you will discover a lot more about me."

And what do you dislike about yourself?

"My being manhid (numb). I guess that goes with the territory. I subconsciously turn manhid/numb so I won’t get hurt by the tsismis. Manhid din ako pagdating sa mga guys na bolero."

When you like a guy, do you take the initiative?

"I’m neither liberated nor conservative but I’m open-minded. Yes, I can do a little flirting when I like a guy."

Like how?

"Through eye contact. Or patapik-tapik."

Would you go as far as seducing a guy, especially if he happens to be, uh, dense?

"If necessary, why not?"

How would you do it?

"I would know pagdating ng panahon."

What’s the first thing that you notice in a guy?

"The shoulder. It has to be firm and muscular."

What do you find sexy in a guy (aside from a "firm and muscular" shoulder)?

"Height. He has to be taller than me. I stand 5’6" so he has to be at least 5’8". Short guys need not apply."

What about short guys with "tall" wallets? You know…

"…sorry, but I’m not a material girl."

Who among your Xerex leading men do you find sexy?

"Jon Hall. He’s the model type. We’ve done several pictorials as Bench models and I guess I’ve seen everything and every part of him."

As in everything and every part!?!

"Everything and every part."

So I presume that if you were stranded on an island, you’d pick Jon Hall as your companion…

"…naturally! He’s the exact man. Punung-puno ang katawan; every inch a man. Macho!"

And what would you do on the island?

"What do you think a man and a woman would do if they were stranded on an island? Play Monopoly?"

Well, I guess they’d just play. Period.

"Yeah. As in game ka na ba?"

What turns you off naman in a guy?

"Bad breath. That’s why before doing a love scene, I expect, though I never directly ask, my kissing partner to brush his teeth and gargle mouth freshener."

Have you ever kissed a guy (onscreen) who didn’t, you know, freshen up before giving you lip service?

"Once."

In what movie was that?

"Secret!"

Any "clue"?

"Yes – he’ll never be an endorser for either Colgate or Close-Up."

For mouthwash siguro.

"’Yon pa siguro!"

Anything else that turns you off?

"’Yung walang sense of humor."

How would you react if you discover that your boyfriend is gay?

"I’ll retain him as a friend na lang. Maghihiraman kami ng make-up kit at mag-aayusan kami ng hair."

What if he’s straight but has a gay lover?

"I’ll ask him to choose – siya o ako?"

What if he chooses his gay lover?

"Ay, napakasakit naman po. Kuya Eddie!"

Have you received any indecent proposal so far?

"Before, marami. But now, not so many."

To the tune of…how much?

"I never got around to asking. Sayang!"

What kind of a man would make you give up your career?

"Someone who’s financially stable and can support a family; someone who loves me more than I love him."

That’s all?

"Someone with a firm and muscular shoulder!"