FEATURE STORY: “Mama” and “Papa”: When gays raise children

CEBU, Philippines - They are called gays, lesbians, bisexuals or transgenders. But in their homes, they are simply called "mama" or "papa."

Vanessa "Vanz" Anghag is a 29-year-old lesbian and a "dad" to a three-year-old boy. "Bran" (not his real name) is a biological son of Vanz's girlfriend, Jessica (not her real name), 21.

Vanz said she met Jessica about two years ago when Bran was still an infant. At that time, the boy's father had long left her. Vanz admitted it was not in her plans to have a kid, but since Bran was already there and she felt Jessica was the "right girl" for her, she decided to open her doors for the both of them.   

The family lives in a rented apartment in Mandaue City. While Vanz works as an ATM help-desk analyst of a US-based company, Jessica plays the role of a housewife: she takes Bran, a kindergarten pupil, to and from school, and does the household chores after her son's school time. When before Vanz would spend her money on vices—she admitted to drinking heavily and being an impulsive buyer—she now spends a huge chunk of her earnings on her family. "When you're almost 30 you will realize you have to get a life. So, I did," she shared. During her rest days, she said she would take the family to watch a movie and eat at Bran's favorite fast-food restaurant.

The kid is using his biological father's name, but Vanz said that when she has the money, she would legally adopt Bran. Vanz, however, said that she still has to meet Jessica's mother, who has no clue that her daughter is in a same-sex relationship, in Bantayan before proceeding with her plans. She said she is already friends with Jessica's siblings, and they seem have no problems with the set-up, which means her only worry is her girlfriend's mother. Jessica, for her part, has agreed that Vanz adopts her child for her child's future, even if it means surrendering her rights as his parent.

 "I told her nga ma-override iyang name as a mother kay ako na ma'y mahimong inahan sa bata. But okay ra man niya para lang sa future sa bata," Vanz said. But it would have been easier if the country has legalized same-sex marriage, she said, so Jessica would also enjoy the benefits of being her wife.

 "I'm really hoping nga maabot ang time ma-approve ang bill for same-sex marriage. Bahala'g wala na na'ng Church wedding, importante ang legality sa among partnership kay wala ta kahibaw sa panahon," she said.

George Ocaba, 52, is a homosexual and a father of a 10-year-old boy. The boy is the son of his late boyfriend who died when the child was still one year old. The child calls George "Papa." The mother reportedly left the child in the care of the father while still six months old. George said even before his boyfriend died, he has been there for the kid. It was when the child turned five when he decided to "adopt" him, also upon the request of the child's grandparents.

The child is now in grade five. George said a long time ago he dreamed of having his own family with kids in it, but his being gay had overpowered that dream. He may be a single parent, but George, who works as a beautician, said he enjoys being a father. After the boy's father, George said he has not had a serious relationship, as his focus is now raising his son like his own. He, however, admitted on missing the company of a boyfriend, but he said it could wait, maybe when the boy gets older.

"Malipay na man lang pud ko ani. Fling-fling lang kung naa. Magselos man gud ang bata kung makakita nga naa koy laki," he said.

Understanding gay

and lesbian relationships

The term gay is a generic description for men and women who are attracted to someone of the same sex. But today, to give distinction, Niel Steve Kintanar of the University of San Carlos' Psychology Department said "gays" are men who like other men, while "lesbians" are women who are attracted to women. Kintanar is a clinical-counseling psychologist, who is conducting a study on gay and lesbian relationships, specifically if these are the same or different from heterosexual relationships. So far, his study has found that same-sex relationships are "very similar" with opposite-sex partnerships.

Kintanar said the survey covered 290 individuals, 50 percent of whom were gay and lesbians and the other 50 were heterosexuals. Frossm the answers of the respondents, Kintanar found that there are same-sex relationships which are already counting years, the longest is 12 years. He said his findings support the results of a research in the US, which concludes that in terms of stability, "there are gays and lesbians who are capable of staying in a long-term relationship." One of the factors, Kintanar said, is that gays and lesbians have "positive problem-solving skills." He said it could be because they have the same genders, and that a woman knows what her lesbian partner thinks about a certain issue. Also, Kintanar said, in a same-sex relationship, "everything is equal" like the girl washes the laundry today, and the other girl does that same chore the following day, the same also goes with an all-male couple. The situation is different with the opposite sex, wherein the man is expected to do the hard labor while the woman cleans the house, takes care of the baby, et cetera, and if these are not followed, it becomes an issue.

"The gays and lesbians, they also fall in love, ma-brokenhearted pud. Pareho ra pud ang intensity sa opposite sex. They also want to be in a committed relationship that is stable and long-term,"

On same-sex marriage

There have been many proposals in the past to approve the same-sex marriage in the country, but they died before debates could even heat up. Like most lesbians, if not all, who are in a committed relationship, Vanz said she hopes it would come sooner.

But for Kintanar, as long as the Philippines is still a Catholic country and the Church still has influence on state matters, the approval of same-sex marriage proposals are unlikely. Even the liberal US, where some states have allowed same-sex unions, there are still other areas that have not fully embraced this setup, he said.

 "The American Psychological Association is pushing for the legalization of same-sex marriage. Homosexuals should have the same rights and protection with the heterosexual couples. Marriage has happiness benefits. US psychologists said to grant them the same benefits is binding the couple together," Kintanar explained. He said that if the gay or lesbian couple is legally tied, it could give them the "stability of the mind," apart from ensuring that both parties can enjoy other tangible benefits. But without this law, it is possible that when one of the partners is gone, all that he or she owns will go to her biological family, and the partner, even if they had been together for years, will be left not only alone but also with nothing. He said it already happened in the US when a girlfriend was not invited to the funeral of her live-in partner for 10 years because the woman's family disapproved of their relationship. It could also happen to other gay couples, he said.

But having a will executed could solve this issue for the time being, he said. He explained that's what most gay partners do these days, to ensure that their loved ones will not be left out with nothing from them when they are gone. "They can't marry but they can protect their relationship," he said.

The legal side

Judge Manuel Patalinghug of Regional Trial Court Branch 22 told The Freeman that a couple can adopt a child providing that the provisions in the Domestic Adoption Law were being complied. In adoption, he said the best interest of the child shall be the paramount consideration in all matters. However, he said under the rule, the adopter must at least 16 years older than the adoptee, unless the adopter was the biological parent of the adoptee or was the spouse of the adoptee's parent.

Patalinghug shared that in the Philippines, no gay couple has applied for adoption yet. He did not, however, specifically mention if they are allowed to adopt.  "To be safe, provisions in Domestic Adoption must be complied," he said. He said most of the petitions for adoption in his branch were granted. He, however, admitted that sometimes some were denied for lack of requirements, but were eventually granted once requirements were complied.

Statistics show that from 2007 to June 30, 2013, a total of 409 cases of adoption were filed before Patalinghug's court. It showed that most of the petitions were those from regular couples.

As parents

Jed, a gay media personality, is a single parent. He was made to become a father of a sickly child who was born from a homeless mother. He initially had no plans of having his own children, but Jed said if he did not sign the newborn child's papers, she might have died. The child is now four years old. Jed said he may be single still but the child "puts direction in my life. She inspires me to do better and teaches me to be responsible."

It is also the same for Vanz and George. But their story is different from Jed's since the biological parents of their children may turn up any time and take the kids from them. They said they are prepared for that. But while this fear is still a fear, George said he wants to enjoy every moment with his son, and hopes that they would still be father and child for a long time. For Vanz, loving Bran is a "great feeling" for her, getting a hug from him each time she comes home from work is a bonus.

Gay couples can pass as adoptive parents even with flying colors, said Kintanar. "Two lesbian mothers are better than one mother. A loving gay couple is better than a non-loving, rejecting opposite sex couple. As long as the parents - gays, lesbians or not - are always there for the child, the kid will turn out okay," he said. — with Mylen P. Manto/QSB (FREEMAN)