Teaching Kids About Responsibility

CEBU, Philippines — Any parent who visits another home that has little children

is sure to notice some mess here and there that the kids make. Little children have a generally carefree nature and don’t seem keen on keeping things in proper order. They are still inexperienced and don’t yet grasp the value of orderliness.

It’s funny how it surprises one to visit a friend’s home and see the kids doing house chores without being told. Maybe an eight-year-old sweeps the floor of crumbs after snack time. Perhaps a one-year-old puts her feeding bottle in the sink when she finishes the milk.

Actually, there’s no reason to be amazed at the sight of young children doing chores at their own prompting. They are not wonder children. They have been properly trained.

The home is where the kids shall have their fundamental training in “responsibility.” As author Alonna Friedman, at www.care.com, quotes Karen Ruskin, Psy.D., “Ingraining responsibility in children is… teaching them life skills.” Any good parents would want their kids to have the skills to help them in life on their own.

Ruskin writes that “responsibility isn’t just completing a task.” She quotes Alex Barzvi, Ph.D. saying, “It’s also about an attitude, the idea of taking action and being proud of doing it, not just always having mom and dad do it for you.” It’s really possible to raise helpful, good kids who know how to do basic chores, according to Ruskin; and she shares ideas gathered from experts for parents to incorporate responsibility into a child’s life:

Start them young. You can’t suddenly spring responsibility on a teenager and expect that he will know how to follow through. Imagine your high school daughter calling you at work with the complaint: “Mom I’m hungry. When are you coming home?” You say: Make a sandwich! She replies: “I’ll just wait for you.” Handing out responsibility to kids needs to start early. Think: toddler.

Let them help you. Don’t grumble and mope when it’s time to do housework. Smile and invite your son to help (even if he makes the job take longer). It’s team work, precious time with your child and a lesson that will one day send him off into the world with the ability to sort lights and darks!

Show kids the way. Play to the kids’ skill levels. First, demonstrate how to complete small tasks. If your son wants a snack, show him where the fruits are and how to wash one off. Does your daughter always throw her dirty clothes on the floor? Place a hamper in her room and show her where the day-old jeans belong.

Model responsibility. And talk about it. Banish a tableful of dirty breakfast dishes with the line: “Now we put our plate in the sink,” as the meal ends. Use the same inclusive “we” phrases over and over to show how you can easily solve problems. Ask other family members to follow suit. You’ll be surprised how quickly these actions become a habit for kids.

Praise them. Kids love to help. They want to help. To them, chores don’t feel like work. Keep up positive vibes by offering specific praises for actions. “You hanged your coat on the hook and I’m proud of you!” Or, “Thank you for emptying the garbage in your room!”

Manage your expectations. When you ask a five-year-old to make her bed, it may still be lopsided. Don’t criticize. Recognize a job well done. The next time you make your own bed, show her how you do it.

Avoid rewards. At least at first. There’s a time and place for rewards and allowances, but being responsible isn’t it. Don’t assume a reward system has to be in place for your child to learn responsibility. While a reward chart can be effective for some kids, others respond just as well to praise, spending time with you and feeling the boost in their self-confidence.

Provide structure and routine. Kids thrive on order. Instead of offering rewards to get them to meet responsibilities, set up a morning routine with a positive end result. Your son must brush his teeth, eat breakfast and get dressed before watching TV. (Notice TV is not being offered as a reward – it’s just the result of finishing the routine.) And he should be able to complete the routine in any order that works for him.

Teach consequences. Learning to take care of his things also helps a child develop a sense of responsibility for his actions. To get your son to clean up after an art project, inform him that he won’t be able to play with his crayons and scissors until the next day if he leaves a messy table. Then you need to follow through and take away his supplies if he shirks his responsibility. The more you enforce the rules, the more likely he is to clean up without being asked – or at least without whining about it too much.

Teaching kids about responsibility requires a lot of patience, of course. It can take years and lots of practice. But to any good parents, it’s all worth the time and effort raising a responsible child who then grows into a responsible adult.