A time for mending broken relationships

Christmas is the season of reunions and get-togethers, of cheers and merrymaking. In the deeper sense, it is a time of goodwill and affection. The occasion is a celebration of our shared humanity and common hope. As such, Christmas is a time for mending broken relationships, for resolving conflicts.

Psychologists at Stanford University have devised a four-step procedure for conflict resolution, personal or otherwise. The technique has been tried and proven effective by many professional negotiators and human-resource experts. Likewise, it has been very helpful in resolving many personal misunderstandings.

The procedure has the acronym DESC, for Describe, Express, Specify and Consequences. It is simple and easy to follow. It begins with writing a script prior to the actual conflict-resolution encounter.

Writing a script is an important start.  Writing is a good way of mentally crystallizing the situation in your mind. It is also cathartic, as it provides preliminary release of stressful emotions. As one writes, he rehearses in his mind. Such rehearsal can prevent thoughtless, spontaneous outburst that he will later regret. As often the result, he is better able to handle the eventual personal encounter.

Describe. State the behavior that you find bothersome about the other party in the conflict. As much as possible, don’t muddle it with your biased opinion or interpretation of the behavior in question. Say, “You cut me off several times as I was explaining the matter to our friends,” instead of, “Why did you have to embarrass me before our friends?”

Express. Simply relate how you feel about the behavior in question. Avoid passing judgment or attaching a meaning to it. That will only make the other person defensive and, therefore, become mentally pre-occupied with his defense, rather than keep an open mind for listening. Say, “I was embarrassed,” instead of, “You made me look bad.”

Specify. As soon as you have described the behavior in question and expressed how you feel about it, explicitly ask for a behavior change. Be clear with what you want. Don’t leave it to the other person to guess what course of action you want him to take. Say, “I want you to stop doing that,” instead of, “Couldn’t you have talked to me in private?”

Consequences. Set some sort of reward-and-punishment guidelines for both you and the other person to observe. For example, you may say, “If you ask me in private, I promise to explain matters to you and listen to your opinion,” or, “If you do that to me again, I might be tempted to get back at you and embarrass you in return.” As much as possible, however, try to emphasize positive consequences and soften negative ones.

As soon as you have completed your script, go over it several times and make improvements. Every time, try to clarify the situation some more and define your needs better. Check out if your words have the right balance of softness and directness. See if you have expressed exactly what you want, if you are assertive enough without being high-handed. Another advantage of a written script is that it is easier to review than relying mainly on one’s memory.

While Filipinos are generally non-confrontational, a well planned, well scripted and well rehearsed confrontation to resolve a coldness in a relationship would make the endeavor less daunting. Christmas get-togethers in the Philippines are characterized by merry conversations and hearty laughter. It dampens the warmth of the occasion when some members of the family or circle of friends are not seeing eye-to-eye.