Tough love parenting

CEBU, Philippines – Children, given their natural inexperience, need the stern hands of loving adults to guide them. A recent research cited in www.london-oratory.org suggests that authoritative or tough-love parenting works to help kids develop the characteristics to succeed. But the matter has always been every loving parent's dilemma.

Parents often hesitate to be firm and discipline their children for fear that doing so might bruise the kids' budding sense of self or that the kids might take it against them (the parents). But research findings point out that children with parents that use tough-love parenting approach are best prepared to do well in life. A mix of discipline and warmth from parents tend to develop important character traits in children, such as self-regulation and empathy.

A study, involving 9,000 homes in the United Kingdom, found that while family structure and parent income levels had their impact on children's development; it was parenting style that had the greatest influence on the kids' behavior.

The records of the kids' academic performance are revealing. One-fourth of kids with authoritative parents lands in the top 20 percent at school. The kids with permissive parents only come next with 18 percent. Products of highly authoritarian parenting are at 15 percent, and 11 percent of the top group are kids of rather detached parents.

Parenting style is not necessarily a fixed thing. It changes over time according to the children's ages, their needs, and the parents' state of wellbeing. Besides, parents just instinctively know when to be strict with their children and when to adopt a more permissive stance.

Certainly parental mood and personal condition contribute to how parents respond to their kids. But most parents tend to do mainly along one particular style.

Experts recommend that if parents want their kids to develop the characteristics to succeed, then they should do authoritative or tough-love parenting.

Here are tough-love parenting strategies parents can apply:

1. Set limits and boundaries, and make them expand accordingly as kids get older and become more capable. Boundaries make kids feel secure and teach them how to behave well.

2. Use a negotiable style with children according to their age and stage of development. But also remember that not everything is up for negotiation. There are times when the word "no" needs to be said if only to promote the best interest of the kids.

3. Use consequences and other tools to teach kids to behave well and develop a sense of personal responsibility. Resist the temptation to let kids off the hook when they do the wrong thing. To be firm, but fair, is the key here.

4. Put family rituals, such as shared mealtimes, in place to make sure you interact regularly with your kids.

5. Praise kids for improvement, effort and contributions other than their ability at school, in sport, at home and other areas of their lives. Focus your positive comments on their participation rather than the results of what they do so kids learn that trying and persistence are important.

6. Recognize cooperative behaviors with positive attention such as praise, physical touch and rewards, and minimize negative behaviors through a range of measures such as ignoring and using consequences.

7. Teach kids the skills needed for independence from an early age so they learn to look after themselves. Avoid regularly doing things for kids that they can do for themselves.

8. Adopt an open communication style in the family where kids learn that there's nothing so bad that they can't talk about it.

9. Encourage a sense of empathy in children by recognizing their emotions and giving them permission and assistance to talk about their feelings.

10. Encourage generosity and kindness in your kids. They do this by sharing toys and other items, helping others and doing chores that benefit the family. The reassuring sense of restriction and sense of community that authoritative parenting promotes are the real strength of the style.

At a time when a parent's voice can be drowned out by the noise of modern life, it's good to remember that it's effective parenting not the media, the celebrities or their peers that have the greatest impact on future outcomes for kids.

(Source: http://www.london-oratory.org)

Smart Tips for Working Parents:

Dealing with Clingy Kids

.               Kids are naturally clingy at certain stages and there will always be days when leaving the house peacefully is impossible. Try to make your daily departure smooth and predictable. A regular routine is particularly comforting to a toddler or preschooler.

.               If a sitter comes to your house, you might arrange to have your child call the sitter before he or she leaves home and have the sitter tell your child what special activities they they'll be doing in the morning. Or, have the child make a special drawing for the sitter or wrap a cookie in a small bag as a present for him or her.

.               Ask your child, "What would you like to do right after I leave for work?" If possible, make that the first activity of the day.

.               Involve your youngster in your departure. He or she can help you find your coat in the closet, count the number of steps to the front door or push you out the door.

.               Leave a note for the sitter to read aloud. Mention what you're going to do when you return so your child can look forward to a good time.

.               Offer a big hug and a kiss on the cheek. Say, "Here's a very special kiss for you to hold on to. Touch that kiss whenever you think of me. Now you give me a big kiss so that I can touch it and think of you." Note: If you're going to be late, make sure you call home so your child won't panic.

.               Have a colleague take a snapshot of you at work and let your child keep it with him at home or take it to the day-care center and refer to it whenever he needs a little reassurance.

.               If problems continue, ask how you might improve things: "You seem to be very sad lately when I drop you off at school. What would help you feel better?" Allowing children to help make decisions often improves the situation tremendously.

.               Finally, make sure to really take time out for your child when you are home. Set aside specific times just for your child as you would with a client or business associate. Start having "breakfast meetings" each morning so you can talk about the day's events. When your child comes home from school, sit down to really go over her papers and discuss what went on that day. While you are preparing dinner, let your child help or practice spelling and make up word games using magnetic letters on the refrigerator.

- From Hints, Tips & Smart Advice By FamilyCircle