Rain

Into each life, some rain must fall. Of that I am certain. But I have often wondered how it seemed as though I have generally led a charmed life. I have had my fair share of sadness and distressing situations but I have never felt that they completely overwhelmed me. However, in the past two months, the rain seemed to fall much harder than usual. Or come to think of it, the situation should be upgraded to a typhoon signal number 5. When it rains, it really does pour sometimes. Uncontrollable situations such as sickness and hospitalization of family members, unusually successive stressful events at work and the overwhelming feeling that nothing is going as planned, decided by some unknown force to converge at this particular moment. And it doesn't seem to be letting up any time soon.

So instead of being the person that people ask to pray for them, I find myself pleading for prayers on behalf of loved ones and for myself. And in the midst of the difficult situation, I feel enveloped in the love of a very patient God. The right people come at the right time; the right decisions are made at the right moment; even the seemingly disastrous events give the least possible consequences. And I am slowly learning what it means to be completely dependent on God.

None of the situations surrounding me are in my control. I find myself constantly at the mercy of someone else's decisions, actions and good will. And for someone who can be quite a control freak (such as, ahem, myself), I am surprised at the way I have managed so far. Which is not to say I haven't shed tears, or felt frustrated, or cried out for help in prayer, but by God's grace, I find my inner strength resolved. Despite the anxiety and the worry of the what-could-be, there is a peace in knowing that I have also been spared from the what-could-have-been-but-didn't-happen. I have not lost my ability to laugh, to take situations lightly, to serve others, to be grateful for the service of others, to find God in all things, to trust God in all things and to hope that God will make all things right.

And yet, too, I know how even this state of peace, this gratitude despite the difficulty, are in themselves gifts. My efforts alone would not have made a difference, would not have achieved anything if God had not chosen to give these to me. I know now why it seems as if, praying with palms open and in supplication seems like the natural way to pray. I see many people posting prayers online about claiming graces and blessings. And while I see that that form of prayer, too, has its merits, at this stage in my life I cannot seem to claim anything. But I can, instead, (like one of my favorite saints, St. Ignatius, taught), BEG. So that's what I will do.

I will beg my Father for peace. I will beg my Father for gratitude. For wisdom. For strength. For healing. For His perfect will to be done at the perfect time, despite my imperfect prayers and imperfect faith.

And maybe one day, I can look back at this "downpour" and realize that I was actually shielded from the worst of it.