Mama’s Dearest

At the doctor’s office I met a woman who was accompanying her teenage daughter for checkup. The 14-year-old was having difficulty sleeping at night. The doctor was momentarily occupied attending to an elderly patient, so the few of us who were waiting for our turns had time for some little chitchat.

The bubbly woman, apparently in her late thirties, dominated the friendly conversation. She did most of the talking, the rest of us would only nod or smile in reaction. Within a short few minutes, we knew that the woman had once worked as a beautician in Riyadh; and that she had been separated from her drug-addict husband for three years already; and that she would soon open her own small beauty shop in their barangay, as soon as a relative in Davao would lend her the money.

In the meantime she was all devoted looking after her teenager, her only child. The girl was talented, a good singer and quite an actress, the mother bragged. It ran in their blood, according to Mama; she herself was always Miss Talent in community beauty pageants in her days.       

She rattled right on to tell everyone present that her girl would take up Mass Communications in college, which was a far two years away yet. The mother’s eyes sparkled as she imagined her little star doing newscasts or hosting her own talk show on TV. But that would be so only if movie agents wouldn’t get to the girl first.

The lively talk was good entertainment. At one point I sort of forgot what it was that I came to see the doctor about. Listening to such a person, you’d find it difficult to think about your own troubles.

On second thought, I wondered what it was like for the daughter to have a parent like that. It seemed like Mama had her girl’s whole life all planned out, down to every detail. All the daughter had to do was follow.

It must be so comforting to have someone you trust always looking out for you, taking full reign of everything about you. It looked like the girl was taking it well. After all, she was young and inexperienced, and clearly needed good handling.

Then I tried to imagine being in the girl’s place myself. I probably couldn’t stand it. It would drive me crazy to have someone else live my own life for me and I just simply watch on the sides.

But, as a young person, my case was different. I didn’t have doting parents. My folks did not go out of their way to groom me for any particular future. Well, at least they never insisted that I become anybody.

Growing up, I had to pursue my dreams all by myself. It was hard, very hard. But, looking back now, it proved good for me.

One precious thing that my parents provided me with, albeit unintentionally for sure, was a certain mindset — that I should not expect others to do for me what I was not willing to do for myself. From there I went on to develop other philosophies in life, like, for instance, that whatever I wanted to become of myself and wherever my pursuits along that line would take me, I should always keep my ego in check. I came to appreciate the virtues of self-reliance and modesty.

There is perhaps nothing in the world that can derail fine dreams and earnest efforts as can a misplaced sense of self-importance. And no better guarantee of getting what you want than by actively going for it yourself.

If only all parents act out of educated, responsible affection for their children, the world will be teeming with well-balanced, happy people. Yet there are parents that push their kids to extremes believing that they need to do it in order to fully realize the kids’ potentials. In truth, however, they may just be selfishly seeking gratification of their own unrealized dreams through their children.  

I wonder how many parents – including that enthusiastic mother at the doctor’s office – entirely understand the way things ought to be between them and their children. Overemphasizing to the children the value of being obedient to parents may make the young ones into weak adults. On the other hand, a child raised to be totally independent may grow up detached and cold even towards his own family.

It bothers me that some parents insist on a glittering future for their children. Why the dogged preference for a highly visible job? Why the mania to make one’s child a star?

The quick reply may be that it’s all to the child’s advantage. One who is popular is obviously better regarded by others than one who is unknown. A celebrity is always treated with extra consideration, almost with pious deference.

But fame and public attention have a dark side, too. They can be intoxicating and can make a person lose her touch with reality. And a fading celebrity can have her overall sense of self-worth go down with her popularity.

I will never encourage my own children to develop a craving for praise. Neither will I go out of my way to get them accustomed to comforts and ease. They may only relish praises and frills if these are well deserved and come as natural by-products of their earnest good deeds.

It is my belief that every parent shall raise his child as a fellow human, his co-equal in rights and privileges for self-growth and self-fulfillment. A child deserves the full freedom and all opportunities for discovering her own place under the sun.

Children are not parental possessions, not some equipment owned and to be operated by their parents. The parent may guide and counsel, but, ultimately, the child herself shall be allowed the right to say what she believes is good for her. (E-MAIL: [email protected])