Early Start: Raising Good Children First Of Two Parts

CEBU, Philippines - All parents want their children to be good, moral human beings. A person's moral intelligence is defined as the personal, social, cognitive, emotional, and moral skills that make up solid character and guide moral behaviors. It is the capacity to understand right from wrong. It means having strong ethical convictions and to acting on them so that one behaves in the right and honorable way.

Like cognitive intelligence, moral intelligence must be cultivated and developed beginning when the child is an infant. While teachers and schools can help support this development, the main responsibility for developing and shaping a child's moral intelligence lies with the child's family and, more specifically, his or her parents.

What, then, can you do to raise your children into good people who have the values and character that will help them lead good lives?

In this and next week's columns we will look at some of the elements that make up a child's moral character and some ideas what you, as a parent, can do to cultivate them.

EMPATHY refers to the ability to identify with and feel other people's concerns.

For very young children, begin with helping them become aware of their own feelings. Teach your child to identify both positive and negative emotions. Name them. Validate them by using words like "It's OK" and "I understand". For example, at a children's party you can say, "You are happy to be around your friends!" Or, for a very young child that is trying unsuccessfully to use scissors for the first time, say, "I can see that you are frustrated because you are having a hard time cutting. It's OK. Keep trying."

Starting around three or four, begin to foster a sensitivity to other's feelings. If you see another child crying say, "Oh, look, Juan is crying, let's go see what's wrong," or "Look at how Lily is enjoying your toy. Thank you for sharing."

Older children will begin to really understand another person's point of view. You can enhance this by bringing your children to different places and exposing them to different people. Talk about what you see and ask your children to imagine what others might be feeling. 

CONSCIENCE is knowing the right and decent way to act and acting in that way.

Begin by helping your children understand what is right and wrong and why. Read stories and fables that teach virtues and values. Talk about them.

Seize teachable moments, like when children are faced with making a choice. Talk to them about right and wrong and help them make the right decision. As children mature, they will be able to make these decisions on their own (self-policing), but it is always good to recognize that your child has made the right choice.

Parents' actions and behavior are crucial. Be consistent about practicing what you preach. Children are extremely perceptive and they can sense when the adults that surround them are acting in a way that goes against their conscience. If a child senses that you are doing this, it sends the signal that it's OK for him/her to do it too.

SELF-CONTROL means regulating your thoughts and actions so that you stop and consider your choices and act the way you know and feel is right.

Again, modeling the proper behavior is essential here. Oftentimes we go through this process (Should I? Shouldn't I? I really want to but . . .) quietly in our heads. It is good to think out loud once in a while and give your children access to your thought and decision-making process.

Everyone is tempted to do things they shouldn't do. Talk to your children about temptations and teach them how to think and consider consequences before acting. Teach them strategies for controlling their actions (count to 10, deep breathing, or simply, walk away).

When children are older and make a mistake or do something "wrong" (which will inevitably happen), have an honest conversation about why they did what they did and what they could do next time. Role play certain difficult situations your children might encounter so they know how to handle them well (for example, how to tell a peer that they don't want to do something that they know is wrong). (To be continued next Monday)

Source: Building Moral Intelligence by Dr. Michele Borba (Jossey-Bass Publishers, 2001)

The FREEMAN and the Ramon Aboitiz Foundation Inc. is running weekly features on Early Childhood Care and Development to emphasize the importance of Early Childhood Care and Development (ECCD) and to increase public support for ECCD.