Regrets

I have a politician friend who could have become mayor in his northern Cebu town a few elections ago. At that time, there was a landslide victory for his political party and he certainly would have won. But he did not run then; he thought he was still too young - at 26 years old - to be mayor.

Then local political climate in their town changed, and his chances of ever being elected mayor have since completely faded out. Now in his late 40s, my friend still continues to harp on his regret for not having taken advantage of the sure opportunity for victory. By the looks of it, his self-disappointment may linger on to his old age. 

And there's also this woman, my former client in a bungled film-production venture, who never fails to bring up the dead project in her conversations with friends. She laments the fact that she will no longer achieve her dream of becoming a movie star. Especially that she is now approaching her 50s, she feels it is just already too late.

Years back, this woman rounded up her moneyed friends to put in money to start a small movie company. She herself supplied the biggest share of the capital. She wanted so much to be in the movies.

The new group called me in to do their first film. I briefed them on a lot of things, particularly the quality of artistic talent to bring to the screen. I stressed the issue of talent because it seemed to me that some of them - that woman, most of all - thought that money was all that was required. That couldn't be more wrong.

Obviously, a big name would be necessary to draw people to watch our movie. Since we couldn't afford a major star, we just had to emphasize talent. Our star-to-be wanted to do the lead role, and she was yet a nobody in the field. But, I thought, perhaps we could make up for her lack in public image by harnessing her acting skills.

She swore to me she would cooperate, that she would do anything to learn and excel in the art of acting. That was good to hear. Indeed, an actor assigned to a lead role should commit herself or himself to whatever it takes to enhance her skills.

But then it turned out that all she would ever do was promise to do anything. Once the production process started, she was immediately giving me headaches. She would not undergo a workshop or attend rehearsals; she was always busy with other things.

The movie project never took off. I quitted after just two shooting days. I thought I had better use my time and effort in other, more sensible undertakings.

"I should have cooperated more," the woman now tells her friends. "If I had, I would have been an established movie actress today." Or, she better regret more the fact that she was such a spoiled brat with no clear direction in life. Anyone would have been damned to join her in her trip to nowhere.

Sadly, this would-be movie star and my politician friend have unwittingly allowed themselves to be stuck in a certain mental tunnel. They are clinging to possibilities that have long ceased to be. And those past opportunities that continue to exist in their minds and are now like a gallstone, causing their lives constant irritation.

There is, the wise would tell us, a useful way of dealing with regrets. Many of those with extraordinary accomplishments are people who have learned to free themselves from the shackles of regret and, instead, use their past mistakes to do better. They have learned, as Eleanor Roosevelt once said, never to "clutter up their minds with might-have-beens."

Indeed, an awareness of our mistakes can help us to accordingly adjust our ways and our patterns of living. There's no use in eternally regretting wasted times and past chances, which can no longer be reclaimed. But our realization of what we did wrong can give us wisdom and enable us to improve ourselves and, thus, our lives.

Some people get debilitated by their past mistakes. But others handle their regrets quite well, learning to live with it. Or, they even become better persons after feeling great remorse over some previous reckless, thoughtless behavior.

Regret is a common experience. Nearly everyone would admit being sorry for something - big or small - in his past or present. It is easy to overlook many little things that can give comfort and joy to others, as easy to commit seemingly innocuous actions that can hurt.

We need to learn to turn our back on our regrets, for good. To learn from our mistakes, then put the whole thing behind us and then move on. The things we failed to do that could no longer be done will now never be done.

Poets tend to make it look romantic for a lover to be eternally sighing for rejected love. But to brood over what cannot be changed is as tiresome as it is fruitless. To be eternally sorry for what is irreversible is sheer nonsense.

Regrets only add up to our emotional baggage, which we all carry around day to day. They make life something to be endured for us. We soon get exhausted and begin to see the world as an ugly, hateful place. We become bitter.

There's no point carrying an empty bag. More so if its emptiness weighs us down. Thinking about the mistakes and blunders we have made only serves us if it helps us draw a better path to follow.

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