CEBU, Philippines - It was a relationship that lasted for only a month, the shortest in the history of my lovelife. Yet it was the longest as far as the moving on process was concerned—more or less three months. The thing was that I initiated the break-up but I was in so much pain.
Yes I fell in love again with a man; and for the first time, with someone older than me. He is 40, I am 32. That was why I gave it my all, thinking that was the ideal relationship I have been waiting for. Yes, “I gave it my best but my best was not good enough.”
How come it failed again when I was very faithful all the way? Maybe faithfulness is not in every same sex relationship’s vocabulary. I was talking to gay friends—one of them straight acting, the other feminine—last week about their respective relationships. The straight acting told me he has two boyfriends – one is about two years now, the other is almost a year. When I told him such arrangement is a no-no for me, he replied with a smile: one on one relationship is no longer the fad nowadays. Really?
Oh well, I belong to the old school of same sex relationships. I am maybe among the last batch of pa-girl (feeling girl) types because I value faithfulness so much. I love to be courted (with flowers and chocolates if it’s not too much to ask), to go out and hold hands with my man, watch a movie, hear Mass together and dine out as we talk about anything under the sun or stars. Oh yeah I love the sweet-nothings, the corny or cheesy stuff.
So when this guy messaged me on Facebook, exchanged mobile digits with me and started checking on me every now and then because he just simply missed me, I was swept off my feet and was so thrilled. Plus he never mentioned about sex, no dirty talk at all. For the first time in my 32 years, I felt it was real love, the realization of what I have been imagining all these years. And for the first time a bisexual guy paid attention to a screaming gay like me. Forgive me, because I have always believed, since college days, that gays and bisexuals can’t be in a relationship because the latter cannot tolerate the loudness of the former. Bisexuals I believe are most of the time straight-acting, they don’t want to be associated with loud and screaming gays so as not to put their sexuality in question.
I admit I used to log on to bisexual chat rooms. Oh yeah, I am very much familiar with the asl,(age,sex, location), what’s up and lots of those pick-up lines to start a conversation. And I used to visit that resto-bar in Mango where gays, bisexuals, and transgender converge every weekend and have fun on the dance floor. In the chat room, every time I revealed I am gay and not straight-acting, it was end of conversation right away. On the dance floor in that resto bar I never had fun because I always ended up having no partner because I was obviously gay.
So when I told this bisexual guy I’m gay, loud and proud to be one and he said it was not a problem because it’s the heart that matters, I concluded I’ve finally found THE one. A week of exchanging text messages made us very much attached with each other. Exactly two weeks since we said hello, we finally met. He treated me to a dinner buffet at a restaurant in an international hotel. The pa-girl in me was so thrilled. Never in my whole life had a guy brought me to a restaurant or hotel for dinner! It was always in a fastfood chain or barbecue stall. And he was very affectionate; he would reach for my hand every now and then as we talked, never mind if other customers gave us intriguing glances. It was fantasy no more. It truly happened. There were no flowers and chocolates yes, but that dinner was more than enough.
That very night we became official. The date was October 18, 2010.
The relationship evolved. We talked endlessly on the phone every night. He would sing to me and made me listen to songs with lyrics meaningful to us. Among them “God Gave Me You,” ‘I Wanna Grow Old With You,” ‘Huwag Ka Lang Mawawala” and even “Kunin Mo Na Ang Lahat Sa Akin.”
Yes it was beautiful. It was a relationship that made my heart smile all the time. It was inspiring and energizing. But of course it was not perfect. I was always jealous because I was insecure. I found it difficult to believe it has eventually become real. And my hardcore journalism background was not helping because he felt I was always interrogating him in those moments I was jealous. Worse, he felt our relationship was all for Facebook.
It was falling apart and it was tearing my heart so bad. We were on a cooling off stage for two weeks, but it was just a label because the level of our relationship became even deeper. We still talked on the phone up to the wee hours, we still sang to each other. But my instinct was very strong. I knew in my heart he was flirting with somebody, dating two or three others. There were names that surfaced, one of them I know. He assured me there was nothing to be jealous about, that they were all friendly dates and he was just being nice. But my mind refused to believe his words. My five years in the police and military beat have taught me so much about when I am being lied to. So when I could no longer tolerate it, I broke up with him. It was November 11, 2010 at about one in the afternoon through text. He just replied thank you and let the relationship go, explaining later that he was devastated and did not know how to react as it was the first time ever that somebody broke up with him. According to him, in his previous relationships (four of which were serious that lasted for years), he was always the one calling it quits. I’ve wounded his ego bigtime!
Even after the break-up we still talked on the phone. He was still the same caring and thoughtful guy. Then on the evening of December 5, 2010 which was my 32nd birthday, he finally admitted he was already in a relationship with somebody I know, supposedly to get back at me. He insisted they became an item only after I broke up with him. But my journalistic instinct told me otherwise. I believe in karma. So out of respect for their relationship I stopped communicating with him anymore right after his revelation. Until two weeks after, our paths unexpectedly crossed at the very same place where we first met. We shook hands. He did not let go of my hand right away because he wanted to introduce me to his bestfriend. I resisted because it was such a very awkward moment. I hurried on because I had an event to attend to. When I got to the venue, one of our songs played, so I messaged him about it and about how I was surprised to see him. Our communication was reinstated but it was not the same as before. We still talked over the phone until he left on Christmas day. By the way, he is a Cebuano doctor based abroad.
There goes the story of my short-lived love affair. I suffered separation anxiety for almost three months, maybe because I was so attached to him emotionally. Falling raind made me emotional. I even refused to listen to songs of love. I was scared just of the thought of being in a relationship again.
But time heals and prayers help a lot. My radio program over dyRC six times a week, two hours daily, has become my comfort zone, a great part of my healing. For on air I can laugh out loud, sing my pains away (even if I have a voice not even my mother loves), and it assured me that I am loved by many. My listeners will not disagree if I declare that I am fully healed just last week because I gave them that distinct laughter on air once again—boisterous, genuine, jolly and no inhibitions. And for the first time since October, it was only last week during my program that I stood up again and danced to the music I played for our online viewers to see. Indeed emotional healing is a process and the cure depends on us.
I’m fine now and lucky, as well. That relationship made me realize fantasy can come true. Most of all, the experience taught me valuable lessons that will surely make my next relationship a better one. (FREEMAN)