The demons of shyness

CEBU, Philippines - Stutter is the word that best describes me as a kid, and I was such a loser. When I was in my secondary years at school, I was very shy. I never felt at ease, whether it be on an oral recitation or a classroom reporting. My utter shyness would always focus on me, instead of the question or my classmates in the classroom.

Once, I was asked by our professor to join in an extemporaneous speaking contest, believing that I could well articulate whatever point I would like to nail for questions to be thrown at me by the panel. At the back of my mind was, “just let me write!” When it was my turn, my pulse raced, I got a lump in my throat, my mouth dried up and I felt like a village idiot. I could not think of what to say so I said nothing apart from making barely audible grunting noises. When I noticed the pity in the eyes of the audience, I leaped off from the stage and got out of there.

According to Wikipedia, in humans, shyness (also called diffidence) is a social psychology term used to describe the feeling of apprehension, lack of comfort, or awkwardness experienced when a person is in proximity to, approaching, or being approached by other people, especially in new situations or with unfamiliar people. Shyness may come from genetic traits, the environment in which a person is raised and personal experiences. There are many degrees of shyness. Stronger forms are usually referred to as social anxiety or social phobia. Shyness may merely be a personality trait or can occur at certain stages of development in children.

I hated being shy and was so determined of taking it out of my system.

I have scanned these tips and ideas reduced into writing on how to beat shyness, to wit:

1.Think about the way you feel and behave around familiar people you are comfortable and spontaneous around. It’s that feeling transferred to new people and situations that equates to your emerging social confidence.

2. One of the most effective ways to beat shyness is by striking a conversation with someone new everyday. The next time you go get your cup of coffee or grocery, try adding a “Hi, how’s your day?” to the person assisting you. When you start speaking, you help decrease the uncomfortable period between you and that person. Do this routine to one new person a day. Slowly, you will enjoy your little conversation success and find yourself really comfortable talking to strangers.

3.Focus your attention away from yourself. Sure, you can think a little bit about how you are coming across, but if all your focus is on your own words and feelings then you might as well be by yourself. Notice what other people are wearing and make a mental note, listen to their conversation, imagine where they might live, make a point of remembering names. Not only does this give you more to talk about, it also “dilutes” social anxiety leaving you feeling calmer.

4.Ask people questions. Many people like to talk about themselves and will find you interesting if you find them interesting. Ask open questions that require more than a yes/no response such as “What do you like about this place?” rather than: “Do you like this place?” Once they’ve answered use “add-on” questions connected to the first such as: “Tell me more”. This is a great way to keep the conversation going.

5. Stop trusting your imagination so much. Have you ever had an imaginary picture in your mind of a holiday destination only to arrive and find the reality is different from the way you had imagined? That’s how reliable imagination is. Stop imagining what others think. Besides, what a person thinks about you has a lot more to do with who they are than who you are.

6. Stop using “all or nothing” thinking. The “completely this/completely that” style of thought occurs when you are emotional. People who are depressed, angry or anxious see reality in terms of differing extremes, simplistic all or nothing terms. An angry person is right and you are wrong; the depressed person feels like a failure while others are a success. In reality, life is composed of infinite gray areas. So stop fearing that you might say the wrong thing! Or that people will hate you. Once you start to relax more socially you’ll notice much less black or white thinking because anxiety actually causes you to think in all or nothing terms.

7.Take your time. You don’t have to blurt things out. Ask questions and if questions are asked of you can take time to consider your response (within reason). Don’t just blurt out what you think might be the right answer. A slow answer is a relaxed answer.

I have tried these, and found myself more comfortable, and learned to respond social events with excitement and pleasure, instead of fear and pressure. Shyness really is a combination of social anxiety and social conditioning. To overcome this, we need to learn to relax socially. This enables us to direct our attention away from ourselves and gives us the space to practice certain conversational skills. Let us “emancipate ourselves from mental slavery.”