Co-Dependency or Co-Addiction What's It All About

CEBU, Philippines - We always hear about the word co-dependent, most specially in the drug addiction recovery field. At first, I learned that drug dependency was a disease. As a drug dependent my whole days life would revolve around finding ways and means to get drugs to once and once the using starts I find ways and means to get more drugs, and then more again and so on. Therefore, the dependence on drugs, I had developed an obsessive and compulsive relationship with drugs. Then because of the pains, stress, and relationship problems within the family due to the behavior of the drug dependent (lying, stealing, cheating), the family members begin to develop and obsessive and compulsive behavior in dealing with and wanting to control the drug dependent. As this goes on for years, these dysfunctional behaviors become the natural behavior of the family. This cannot be changed overnight. I took years to develop since the dysfunction and co-dependent behaviors had already started even before the drug dependency came about. Here are a few explanations of co-dependency so that you can get a clearer understanding.

Codependency is a dysfunctional emotional and behavioral defense system. When a society is emotionally dishonest, the people of that society are set up to be emotionally dysfunctional. The fact that dysfunction exists in our romantic, family, and human relationships, is a symptom of the dysfunction that exists in our relationship with life, with being human. It is a symptom of the dysfunction which exists in our relationships with ourselves as human beings. In a codependent society everyone has to have someone to look down on in order to feel good about themselves. And, conversely, there is always someone we can compare ourselves to that can cause us to not feel good enough.

At its core, co-dependency is a dysfunctional relationship with self. We were raised in shame-based societies that taught us that there is something wrong with being human. The messages we got often included that there is something wrong: with making mistakes; with not being perfect; with being sexual; with being emotional; with being too fat or too thin or too tall or too short or too whatever. As children we were taught to determine our worth in comparison with others. If we were smarter than, prettier than, better grades than, faster than, etc. - then we were validated and got the message that we had worth. In a codependent society everyone has to have someone to look down on in order to feel good about themselves. And, conversely, there is always someone we can compare ourselves to that can cause us to not feel good enough.

More accurately co-dependency may be called an outer or external dependence.   The condition of codependence is about giving power over our self esteem to outside sources/agencies or external manifestations. We were taught to look outside of ourselves to people, places, and things - to money, property and prestige, to determine if we have worth. That causes us to put false gods before us. We make money or achievement or popularity or material possessions or the “right” marriage the Higher Power that determines if we have worth. 

We take our self-definition and self-worth from external manifestations of our own being so that looks or talent or intelligence becomes the Higher Power that we look to in determining if we have worth.

All outside and external conditions are temporary and could change in a moment. If we make a temporary condition our Higher Power we are setting ourselves up to be a victim - and, in blind devotion to that Higher Power we are pursuing, we often victimize other people on our way to proving we have worth.

I believe that we are all each ONE, UNIQUE INDIVIDUAL. That we all have equal worth as Spiritual Beings, as sons and daughters of the God-Force / Goddess Energy / Great Spirit - not because of any external manifestation or outside condition. We each have our own assets and liabilities as a person. We are human beings striving for progress and not perfection, and we can make mistakes in this journey we call life. We have the right to be able to be happy and comfortable with ourselves, as we are, not as others want us to be. To be able to achieve this we need to learn to deal with our own individual co-dependency and learn to be ourselves as we are and take responsibility for ourselves.

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