Acceptance is the key to recovery from addiction

CEBU, Philippines - We are so caught up in the crisis and chaos of trying to hide the wreckage of our doings, due to drug and alcohol abuse, that we are too busy to worry about accepting anything. We are continually off balance, struggling to accept the changes and problems coming into our lives because of anything but chemical dependency. We are scared and paranoid because we don’t know what to expect, nor do we know when to expect it. This is the mind of an actively using drug addict and/or alcoholic, and the height of our active addiction. Overtime we promise that we will never drink or use drugs ever again. At that time and point, we really mean it. The problem is that when we start to think we can one day control our drugging and drinking. All that earnest promise goes out the window. Then once we do have that first drink or hit, all hell breaks loose. For the only thing left in our minds will be where, when, and how, do we get the next fix. This is the sickness of Chemical Dependency (Drug Addiction and/or Alcoholism). Through all my many attempts at trying to deal with my addiction. It was only when I learned to understand and practice acceptance that things started to work, and get better, for me.

Acceptance does not mean adaptation. It does not mean resignation to the sorry and miserable way things have become. It doesn’t mean accepting or tolerating any sort of abuse. It means, for the present moment, we acknowledge and accept our circumstances, including ourselves and the people in our lives, as we and they are. For it was only in that state that I found the peace and the ability to evaluate circumstances, then make appropriate changes, and deal with my problem. When I was abusing drugs and alcohol, I could not make the decisions necessary to stop the drug and alcohol abuse, until I acknowledged that I was abusing drugs and alcohol. I had to learn to stop pretending that that my drug addiction did not exist. I had to stop pretending that the addiction will magically end, or stop making excuses for its existence. It was in a state of acceptance that I was able to receive the power to change the things I could. I could not quit drinking and drugging until I accepted my powerlessness over drugs and alcohol and my addiction. I learned that Acceptance was the ultimate paradox: I could not change who I was until I accepted myself the way I was. “A Drug Addict!”

By accepting that I am who I am, that I feel what I feel, that I did what I did – By accepting all that whether I liked it or not – then I started to accept myself. I learned to accept my shortcomings, my self doubts, and my poor self esteem. So long as I cannot accept the fact of what I am at any given moment of my existence, so long as I cannot permit myself to be fully aware of the nature of my choices and actions cannot admit the truth into my consciousness, I cannot change.

In Recovery I learned to make us of, and apply the Six-Step grieving process as my method of acceptance.

1. Denial. I had to learn to get out of this state of shock, numbness, panic and general refusal to

accept or acknowledge reality. I had to learn to stop saying:

“ No, this can’t be!”

“ It’s no big deal!”

“ I don’t care!”

I also had to stop laughing when I am sad, or crying when I was happy. In other words I had to stop refusing to accept reality. I had to stop minimizing or denying the importance of the loss. I had to stop denying any feeling about the losses. I had to stop detaching from myself, and my emotional responses that were flat, nonexistent, or inappropriate. I had to stop believing the lies I would tell myself. I learned that denial is a conscious or unconscious defense that I used to avoid, reduce, or prevent anxiety when I was threatened. I used it to shut out my awareness of things that would be too disturbing to know. The biggest help I had in dealing with this was by being what we say in the 12-step fellowship as being rigorously honest with myself.

2. Anger. When I quit denying my reality, I started to blame myself, God, and everyone around me

for what I had lost. Anger started to take over. I had to learn to deal with anger in a healthier manner. In recovery I learned that it was ok to be angry. But it was not ok to lash out at others because I was angry. I learned to deal with my anger by doing meditation, prayer, listening to music, or go watch a movie. Talking about that anger with someone I trust was also very helpful.

3. Bargaining. After I learned to deal with anger in a healthy manner and calmed down. I attempted to strike a bargain with life, myself, other persons, and even God. I realized that I had to learn to stop negotiating in an attempt to prevent the loss, or acceptance of reality. I had to stop telling myself: “ If I do such and such, or he/she did this or that, then I won’t have to suffer the loss.

4. Depression. When I saw that my bargaining did not work, and I had finally become exhausted

from my struggle to ward off reality, and I decided to acknowledge that reality, I became sad, and sometime terribly depressed. At this stage I learned to humbly surrender. No more fighting, or struggling.

5. Acceptance. When I learned to accept my reality I started to feel peace.   I realized that I was free

to go on with my life; free to make whatever decisions I needed to make. I believe that I had benefited from my acceptance, even if I do not fully understand how or why. In spite of my fears, feelings, struggles, and confusion, I started to understand that everything will be OK. I learned to accept what is. I stopped running, ducking, controlling, and hiding. Then I realized that it was only at this point that I could go forward.

6. Resolution. Once I was able to fully accept my situation as it truly was, then I was ready to make a decision to do what I had to do to make the right changes/adjustments in my life. In other words after acceptance, I can get on with my life. For example, when I was able to fully accept my powerlessness over drugs and alcohol, it was so much easier for me to make the decision that I needed a program of recovery and that I would be willing to do what was necessary for me to achieve recovery. There will always be rough spots in my recovery that just come up. But as long as I completely accept my powerlessness over drugs, alcohol, other people, places, things and events in mind, and that with Faith and Trust in A Power Greater Than myself, and then turning my will over to that Power. My life will definitely be better and I will be able to deal with the rough spots as they come, and they will eventually go away. As long as I do not pick up that First Drink or First Drug.

Today, I give myself permission to go through this process when faced with a loss, or change in my life (even minor ones). I’ve learned to be gentle with myself. It was a draining and exhausting process. It deleted my energy and threw me off balance. I learned to talk about it to people who made me feel safe and provided me with comfort, support, and understanding that I needed. I learned to talk it out; talk it through. I found this in those others who are also in Recovery from Addiction through means of the 12-step oriented treatment centers. Another thing that helped me was prayer and meditation. My life may not be perfect, but I am glad that I am learning the art of acceptance.

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